UPJOKE

Out There Jokes

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face...

Apple really is the most futuristic company out there

They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!

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There’s a surprising amount of Zootopia porn out there

I went down a deep rabbit hole last night

I just found out there's a clinical diagnosis for when you can't sleep and so you spend the whole night eating.

It's called insomnomnomnomnia.

If there's anyone out there who has no family and is planning to stay home alone this Thanksgiving, please let me know.

I need to borrow some chairs.

To everyone out there suffering from Paranoia

Just remember you're not alone

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How are you all holding up? It's crazy out there!

I've killed at least fifteen zombies so far!

- Why the fuck are they all carrying candy?!

Often i see people my age out there climbing mountains and ziplining..

and here I am feeling good about myself, because I managed to get my leg through my underwear without loosing my balance.

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For all of you croupiers out there...

Q: What's the difference between a roulette dealer and a stagecoach driver?

A: The stagecoach driver looks at the same six assholes all day.



A joke I made for my fellow Nick's out there :

Don't ask me for 5 cents anytime soon...

because I'm Nicholas.

I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there.....

It'll have its prose and cons.

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I had just popped into a shop and when I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.

I said what the fuck are you doing?

He said the car is illegally parked.

I told him he's a pig.

So then he writes another ticket for a bald tyre.

I told him he's likes fucking hitler.

So he then writes another ticket for a defective wiper blade.

I said fuck ...

Among all the machines out there, the pulley is the most egotistical.

It’s always the centre of a tension.

Happy Mother's Day to all you moms out there ...

... And to the rest of you mother f\\\*\\\*kers.

How many terrorists jokes are out there?

You'll have to c-4 yourself.

To all musicians out there...

Please B#

I have the best six pack out there

2 x Salt and Vinegar
2 x Ready Salted
2 x Cheese and Onion

To the many people out there who live in haunted houses...

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

To Christians out there....

My tinder date said to me "I used to be Christian"...

I said to her, "Don't worry darling, I don't really care for those sorts of things"...

She replied "Thank God!"
"It's so much better now that I'm Christine".

To all my techie, nerdy, geeky compatriots out there:

I got a date. Connection on port 443. Ok. Whatever path I took... it all ended in 403.

To all of you idiots out there that drive loud cars, we hate you and get off our roads.

We don’t care how many “heart attack victims” you have to “take to the hospital.”

There’s only one race out there that I discriminate against.

The NASCAR Race.

I put out a poll to see if anyone out there was interested in insect based burgers.

All I’m hearing is crickets!

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Word of advice to all the men out there: DO NOT masturbate after chopping up some chilies.

Not only does it sting but it will also get you kicked off Masterchef.

You gotta hand it to the short people out there

They can’t reach it by themselves

I asked my friend who works in google how it is out there ?

He said " can't complain "

To all you guys out there

People must not cough near you,
they must cough far away.
If you hear someone coughing, tell them to...
Far Cough

For all you insomniacs out there

Only 3 sleeps until Christmas

A Christmas warning - be safe out there.

A warning to all.

Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many beers and then went on to shots. Not a good idea! Knowing I was over the lim...

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For the musicians out there:

Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to bitch about how it's electric.

I just found out there is over 1 million battered women in the United States

and I’ve been eating them plain the whole time.

A joke for you math nerds out there

One evening, 2 Indian squaws were sitting on animal hides in front of a fire. They were arguing about which son was the strongest.

"My son weighs 200 pounds", said the first. "Yeah, well my son weighs 200 pounds", replied the second.

A huge Indian squaw rides up sitting on an animal hi...

This guy out there asking the real questions

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female hostel will be prohibited for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught...

To all the philosophy majors out there...

Can I get a Grande Mocha with whip please?

For any collectors out there, I saw an ad in the paper for a WWII French Rifle

The ad read “in good condition. Never fired. Dropped once.”

Any telekinetics out there?

Please raise my hand.

There's a new dating app out there for pirates.

It's called Shiver Me Tindrs.

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To all of my Liverpool Friends out there.

You are being offered a jab.


Not a fucking Job. Stop panicking....

What’s the cheapest meat out there?

A deers balls, because it’s under a buck.

There are too many "You can't see me" memes out there

I've Cena Nuff'

If There Are Any Scatophiles Out There . . .

. . . feel free to slide into my BM’s.

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To all the dad's out there

You bunch of motherfuckers!

There are 10 types of people out there

Those who understand binary, and those who don't

This joke is for all the engineers out there

Three university engineering students are having a heated debate over which type of engineering is the best to specialize into. Mechanical is clearly the best says the one student, its the most interesting field and theres more employment opportunities post grad!! no way says the other student elect...

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You see that dock out there?

Built it myself, hand crafted each piece, and it's the best dock in town! But do they call me "McGregor the dock-builder"? No!

You see that bridge over there? I built that, took me two months, through rain, sleet and scoarching weather, but do they call me "McGregor the bridge-builder"? No!...

A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."

So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.

The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere.

The third guy doesn't go anywhere.

6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all...

To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone.

There's someone behind you.

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I know there are a lot of versions out there, but this is my favorite

A rich old man gets audited by the IRS saying they need him to come in and fix his taxes. The old man calls his lawyer and heads to the IRS. Once there, the IRS agent said,"Well I've noticed that you don't have a job listed, and yet you still make a lot of money. What's your secret?" The old man rep...

Horses are the most negative animals out there

They are always such naysayers

Just a bit of motivation for all of you out there

Always remember, you're never completely useless...

You can always serve as a bad example!

What's the most buffed astronomical body out there?

A steroid.

For you guitarists out there...

After going through a brutal divorce, a woman decides to get revenge. She goes to get ex's house, and proceeds to destroy each and every one of his guitars. When she gets to court, the judge asks her;

"First offender?"

She replies; "No. First a Gibson, then a Fender."

So it turns out there were these two cats

So it turns out there were these two cats, an English cat called One-Two-Three and a French cat called Un-Deux-Trois. One sunny day in Dover the two cats happened to meet and soon discovered that they had very similar names.

Being cats, they had to determine which was the better cat. They dec...

There are people out there who don't know what World of Warcraft and League of Legends are

WoW, LoL

Prisoners are some of the proudest people out there

They've got an unrivalled sense of conviction

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What's the most impatient nationality out there?

Japanese, they can't even wait for their fish to cook.

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

Any out-of-work wilderness guides out there with cringeworthy jokes? As a river guide, I always liked:

“This is the only place you can find these particular rocks in the whole world!” and “Look, you can see a planet, right now!”

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To all the hot women out there: I may be 50 years old,but I have the body of a 25 year old model with a 12 inch dick

In my freezer.

I consider myself very lucky...There are like thousands of women out there waiting to screw me

...over.

For all the animal lovers out there

A teacher is in front of the class teaching word problems. She asks little Susie,

Teacher: “If you had 5 pets and someone wanted 3 of them, how many would you have?”

Susie: “5, I’m not going to give them away.”

Teacher: “Alright, if you had 5 pets and someone forcibly took 3 of ...

One thing I've learned from working in the gym is that there is a lot more creeps out there than you'd think..

Also, a lot more people shave there pubes than you'd think!

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For all you web developers out there.

Why couldn't the div buy a drink?

It lacked id.

Why couldn't the div find a girlfriend?

It lacked class.

Why wasn't the div good at diplomacy?

Its position was absolute.

Why was the div an anarchist?

It had no borders.

Why couldn't the div pla...

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A man in his 50's visits the doctor.

"I just can't take it anymore, doc," he says, wincing. "I stand at the urinal for 20 minutes and nothing happens. Is there something I can take?"

"I'll tell you what you can take," the doctor snarls. "A cold dose of reality! Do you have *any* idea what's happening out there?! Global warming i...

There's a web page out there about my dad and I tried to find it but you know what it said?

(Web Page Not Found)

Words of encouragement for all my paranoid homies out there

*Whispering* you are not alone

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Probably the filthiest joke out there

A guy was going down on a woman when he tastes horse semen. He turns to the woman and says "Damn Grandma, so that's how you died!"

(For my Aussies out there) What do you call a burnt down Woolworths?

Coles/Coals!

I’d like to give a big shout out to all the sidewalks out there...

...for keeping me off the streets.

A message from a Canadian to all Americans out there..

I'm sorry

For everyone out there who suffers from paranoia and delusions

You’re NOT alone. There’s someone watching you.

Nurse comes in from the waiting room and says, "Dr., there's a man out there who claims to be invisible. What should I tell him?"

Dr. replies, "tell him I can't see him today".

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There's a lot of nasty jobs out there

Butt plumbers have seen some shit.

One for the Albertans out there: So this carload of guys from Calgary decide to drive to Edmonton.

The first sign they see as they hit Highway #2 north says "Maximum 100, Night 90". So they pulled over and waited til the had sun set.

Knocked 10 kms off the trip.

Anybody out there interested in having occasional platonic hangout sessions?

Asking for a friend.

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Guy goes to a therapist. He says, "Doc, I live in constant fear that I'm a grain of corn and there's a giant chicken out there who wants to eat me."

Doctor says, "That's obviously absurd."

The doctor works with the man over the course of three years to finally convince him that he's not a grain of corn that a giant chicken wants to eat.

Finally cured, the man leaves. He's back the next day. The doctor says, "Why are you back."
...

So i told my girlfriend that there was someone out there making parrot noises..

My parrot replied, "I'm not you girlfriend, pal".

To all the haters out there, I think Melania Trump's speech hit all the right keys.

Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V

One More For All The Philosophy Majors Out There

The Physics major asks: How does it work?

The Engineering major asks: How do you build it?

The Accounting major asks: How much will it cost?

The Philosophy major asks: Do you want fries with that?

A good joke for the engineers out there

Free time

I heard Eddie Vedder hates every insurance mascot out there...

Even Flo.

Stay safe out there on New Years Eve

Who am I kidding, I'm talking to Redditors.

They’re all kinds of weird fetishs out there. Some people even get off on graphing.

Thats where I draw the line.





I’ll see myself out.

Just found out there was a anew town in America for sad people who just ate fruit.

Twas a melon colony.

Churches are the biggest cons out there.

Besides Comic-Con of course.

For all you boxing fans out there

Eighty year old woman, huge boxing fan, decides to get a couple of tattoos of her favourite pugilists done.
One of Mohamed Ali on the inside of her upper right thigh, one of Mike Tyson on the inside of her upper left thigh.
Pleased as punch, she goes home to her husband, lifts up her dress, s...

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