UPJOKE

Only Time Jokes

The only time a politician tells the truth...

When he calls another politician a liar

When is the only time its okay to punch a little person?

If they tell you "your hair smells nice".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember the first and only time I saw my dads penis, I said dad…

Don’t text me shit like that.

A neighbor overhears a husband and wife arguing. The wife yells “the only time you’re useful is when you’re on your back or hands and knees!”

The neighbor gasps, and then hears the husband say “I do more than fix the car and kitchen sink.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"The only time I relax is when I'm processing all the horrible shit everybody pressures me into dealing with," I told my therapist.

"AITA?"

When’s the only time you can get away with fingering a minor with multiple witnesses?

When you’re playing guitar

The only time my girl friend will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER"...

...is when they are lowering my casket into the ground!

The only time I ever refer to myself in the third person…

is during a threesome

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only time I've been mechanically inclined

Is when I press the recline button on my couch

The only time my wife will yell deeper - deeper

Is when they will be lowering my coffin

The only time kids are shot in school in Canada is..

Picture day

What is the only time you see BMWs using their turn signals?

The driving examiner is sitting on the front passenger seat.

The only time get swiped right is..

...when someone wants to see the post before mine once again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My two friends are dating and are toxic for each other. The only time i see them is together because of their trust issues...

Or when I'm fucking his girlfriend.

The only time the word "incorrectly" isn’t spelled incorrectly...

...is when it’s spelled incorrectly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When is the only time a guy can multi-task?

When he's watching porn, masturbating, and keeping an eye on the door at the same time...

The only time I'll ever have a smoking-hot body

...is when I'm cremated

When is the only time you're smiling and winking at your mother in law?

When you're looking at her through a rifle scope.

When is the only time you're not American?

When European.

When is the only time a woman says something smart?

When her sentence starts with "A wise man once said"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Olympic wrestling is the only time there is a "Clean and Jerk"...

in every other case, it's the other way round.

when is the only time you want a white point guard?

When your sister comes home and says
"Im dating a point guard"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddi...

4th of July,

The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.

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