UPJOKE

On The Toilet Jokes

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I was sitting on the toilet, exhausted, and late for work.

I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”

What does a non-binary person do on the toilet?

They/She/It

What do you call a king on the toilet?

A royal flush

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I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 PM and the clock struck midnight....

I thought to myself, "Same shit, different day"

I had a major breakthrough while on the toilet at work today.

Really wish they'd buy thicker TP.

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What happened to the angry fly on the toilet seat?

He got pissed off.

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on the toilet browsing reddit

I always do shit like this

What does a binary person do on the toilet?

A number 1 or a number 10

There's a detective who figures out crime by sitting on the toilet.

He solves cases by process of elimination.

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet.

His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.

The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every ten seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his r...

What's the best thing about playing Wordle on the toilet?

You can eliminate vowels and your bowels at the same time.

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One day, a woman is sitting on the toilet when she gets her butt stuck in the toilet seat.

No matter how hard she tries, she can't get unstuck, so she calls her husband for help.

The husband tries to pull the wife out of the toilet, but she still won't budge.

Finally, the husband gets his screw driver and unscrews the seat from the toilet. Now the woman can stand up, but the...

I never understood why people are surprised to hear Elvis died on the toilet.

Historically it's rare for a King to leave the throne alive.

I came up with this on the toilet.

My cat is fat, and I want it to lose weight.

My plan is that I'll let it use my running machine, but three weeks later, my cat is still fat.

I guess it didn't work out.

I’m stuck on the toilet.

Call the Squat Team.

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The power suddenly went out and got dark while I was on the toilet

I couldn't see shit.

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[OC] I came up with it on the toilet

My personal trainer told me eat healthy like he does. I eat healthy, but not like him. He eats super clean and that is hard for me. I asked him what would be the benefit for me? He said he eats so clean he doesn’t even have to poop anymore.

I think he’s full of crap.

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Wife asked me, "Why do you browse Reddit on the toilet?"

For shits and giggles

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I only post on Reddit when I'm on the Toilet.

That way, I'm only shitposting.

Sitting on the toilet..

this morning I was reminded of my first divorce.

At first I thought it was going to be a clean break, but then it got messy and involved lots of paperwork

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I am sitting on the toilet with the squirts.

Yes. This is a shitpost.

This weirdo in the bathroom tried talking to me while I was on the toilet.

Just because the stall door is open doesn’t mean I’m here to chat. Jeez, have some boundaries dude.

What did a constipated Moses demand while on the toilet?

"Let my fecal go!"

Queen Elizabeth only plays poker on the toilet.

That's because she's guaranteed a royal flush.

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If someone is on the toilet, just pee on them.

You will surely piss them off.

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I was straining on the toilet this morning.

"Where's the fucking sieve?" asked my wife.

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I learned to tie rope on the toilet

I shit you knot

A woman goes to the Doctor about her constipation 'It's making me really uncomfortable' she says 'I just sit on the toilet for 6 hours ... and nothing happens'

'6 hours!?' The Doctor asks 'Are you taking anything?'

'Usually just a book' replies the woman

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking.

It was so disgusting I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich.

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Two flies were sitting on the toilet.

One got pissed off.

Women complain about men sitting on the toilet too long.

What kind of king doesn't sit on his throne?



P.s. sorry if this is unoriginal. It sounds too good to not be taken.

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The Australian figured out the button on the toilet did, it was not going to be a g'day

In fact, it was the start of a bidet

Did you hear about the US Marine in Vietnam who was left behind while stuck on the toilet?

He was duty bound.

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I heard a man died on the toilet after eating 2 dumbbells

Thats some heavy shit (sorry)

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It’s shitty to be dealt cards when sitting on the toilet

Fortunately, I had a straight flush.

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Why did Sean Connery sit on the toilet?

There was nowhere else to shit.

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I Wrote This On The Toilet

Toss and turn I clench my cheeks,
I'm half awake and half asleep,
My stomach growls and up I sit,
To take my nightly sloppy shit

And as I stumble in the dark,
I concentrate lest I should fart,
For if I do disaster strikes,
I'll shit my pants in this cold night

A...

I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That’s..

Yeah, we just found him dea...

Why can’t you hear a psychopath on the toilet?

Because his P is silent.

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I've been taking care of my elderly grandfather and he asked me to come tie his shoes while he was on the toilet

I said, "you can't be serious"

He said, "I shit, you knot"

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Getting an AMBER Alert while on the toilet is like winning the lottery...

Since those things are designed to randomly scare the shit out of you.

What do you call the outcome of someone reading a book on the toilet?

Reader's Digest.

My girlfriend left stains on the toilet bowl.

I thought she'd be easier to flush than that.

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I wish I hadn't started browsing Reddit on the toilet

It makes it take so much longer to get shit done.

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Did you hear the one about the guy on the toilet with all the buttons??

He looked at the array of buttons in bewilderment as he finished his business. He sees one labeled “WW”and decides to test it out. He pushes the button and warm water gently shoots out and washes his rear. Delighted, he moves onto one labeled “WA”. He pushes it and warm air flows from the toilet and...

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What's the difference between hanging with friends and jacking it on the toilet?

One means you're taking a load off and shooting the shit, the other is taking a shit and shooting a load off.

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I browse TikTok daily but only on the toilet...

Because I don’t want the shit on my phone to get lonely

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My butt fell asleep while I was browsing Disney+ on the toilet.

I ended up watching sleeping booty.

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Guys, do you want to know the secret to never pissing on the toilet seat?

Urine luck.

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I was on the toilet for the strike of midnight last night.

Same shit, different year I guess.

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I watch all my horror movies on the toilet.

They scare the shit out of me.

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Some guy sits on the toilet to shit

Some guy sits on the toilet to shit as the turd is about to come out, his left butt cheek says to the right one "if we stick togheter we can stop this shit!"

How did Captain Hook die on the Toilet?

He wiped with the wrong Hand.

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Yesterday I did my comedy routine on the toilet

It was a real shitshow

What do they call Redditting on the toilet?

Snoo on the loo

I've got a book in my bathroom that I write my feelings and personal thoughts into while on the toilet.

I call it my diarrhea!

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My wife banged on the toilet door....

"Hurry up!" she shouted, "I need a shit!!"
"Fuck off!" I replied, "I'm trying to have a wank in here!!"
"So that's more important than my diahorrhea?!" she screamed.
I shouted through the door "I'm just about to come for fuck's sake, just wait a few moments will you??"

What an impati...

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Whenever you’re sitting on the toilet all alone in silence, do you ever think something is crawling up the pipes into the toilet bowl and then is going to suddenly slither up into your butthole?

Well, you will now. You’re welcome!

I’ve spent so much time on the toilet recently

I’ve earned squatter’s rights.

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Whenever I'm on the toilet, I like to make puns...

They're pretty crap, but it's some funny shit.

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet.

Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy ...

Just thought of this in the shower! (and added to it while on the toilet)

Paul hasn’t seen his cousins in a long time. After receiving a random facebook invite to his youngest cousin’s 8th birthday part he takes some time off and catches a flight.

The party was all fun and games in the yard but it was warm out so he went inside to cool off with some good ole air c...

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Technology is getting more and more invasive in our lives. Today my smart watch sent me a notification tell me to stand, while I was on the toilet.

And I just thought: “I don’t need to stand for this shit!”

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Whenever I'm sitting on the toilet and it's taking a while, I always tell myself

Hurry up, I got other shit to get done

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My favorite book to read on the toilet is "The Shining."

It scares the shit outta me.

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Six year old boy stuck on the toilet...

... with diarrhea. He starts yelling for his mom to please bring him some Viagra. Mom asks her son why he thinks he needs Viagra.

The boy says:

- Well thats what you give dad when his shit don't get hard."

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I would love to sit on the toilet whilst you tie my shoe laces...

I shit you knot!

I like thinking about how to solve mysteries while I'm sitting on the toilet

I'm de-deucing

What Breaking Benjamin song should you only listen to on the toilet?

Diarrhea Jane

After spending so much time using his phone on the toilet...

Erwin forgot whether or not he had actually relieved himself yet. Loosely gripping the paper, he wipes in search of evidence. The results come back negative. He thinks to himself, "perhaps it was just cleaner than the others". If he looks down now, will he find the log floating in the porcelain lake...

When you hear somebody shout your name after you have just left pee on the toilet seat,

You know urine trouble

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