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O'malley Jokes

An Irishman is diagnosed with incurable cancer.

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured, you'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked and sad...

Grampa O'Malley

A little boy asks Grandpa O’Malley, "Can I have five bucks to buy a guinea pig?"

"Here," says the old man as he hands the boy a $10 bill. "Go get yourself a nice Irish girl instead."

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O'Malley was really smashed this time.

I'm talking traffic cone huggin, pavement lickin kershnickered.

He was really doing good stumblin home, though. He made it all the way up the walk and almost to the top of the stairs before he fell back on the the pavement and heard the breaking of glass.

The pint of Paddy's he had ...

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When I was a younger lad I was blessed with an 8 1/2" penis

Unfortunately it belonged to father O'Malley

An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day.

He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

'It was in hono...

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Mrs Omalley needs vegetables

Mrs. O'Malley woke up on a fine Monday and decided to make a delicious stew for her dear husband of 50 years.

She grabbed carrots, potatoes, celery, radishes and a out to the barn for a rabbit. She gathered all the ingredients and was getting ready to start putting them into the pot when she ...

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Mr. O'Malley comes home from the doctor and tells his wife he needs to supply a urine sample.

Mr. O'Malley is distraught because he has no idea what a urine sample is. Mr. O'Malley asks his wife to go nextdoor and ask their neighbor for help.

Mrs. O'Malley comes back, beaten, bruised, and bloodied.

"What the bloody hell happened to you, my love!?" exclaims Mr. O'Malley.
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An Irish Priest

An Irish Priest is Transferred to Iola, Texas.

He rose from his bed one morning; It was a fine spring day in his new West Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in ...

Father O'Malley received a call from the IRS.

They asked for his assistance. He said he’d be happy to oblige.


“Thank you, Father. Do you happen to know a Ted Houlihan?”


“I do.”


“Is he a member of your congregation?”


“He is.”


“Tell me, did Mr. Houlihan really donate $10,000 to the church?”...

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brend...

A Lutheran moves into a neighborhood of Roman Catholics on the first day of Lent.

That Friday, the man grills out on his patio, filling the neighborhood with the mouthwatering aroma of seared steak. All his neighbors, being practicing Catholics, are obliged to abstain from eating meat on Fridays during Lent. Needless to say, they aren't particularly happy about it. The next Frida...

Two guys are sitting next to each other in a bar.

"You know," one says, "I love Guiness. It takes me back to Ireland, where I was raised."

"You're kidding!" says the second patron. "I was born in Ireland too!"

The men toast Ireland, laugh, and keep drinking. The bartender shakes his head.

"So where in Ireland are you from?"
...

Two men are sat in a pub, both rather drunk.

One of the men fancies striking up a conversation with the bloke next to him, so he asks him "Hey pal, are you from around here?"

The second man responds "Aye, indeed I am. In fact I was born at St Mary's, just around the corner."

The first man replies with "well I'll damned! I was bo...

One Sunday St Peter looks down from Heaven and calls out to Jesus

"Look!" he says. "Father O'Malley is golfing on Sunday!"

Jesus smiles and holds out his hands in blessing. Moments later the Father drives off the first tee and holes in one. When the Father retrieves his ball and goes to the second tee, Jesus again holds out his hands in blessing and the F...

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,0...

Two men walk into a bar..

And after a few rounds the first man turned to the second and asked, "where you from?" The second man replied, "Ireland!" Excited, the first man said, "bloody hell, thats whers I'm from, lets have a toast to Ireland!" After a few more rounds, the first man turned to second and asked, "where in Irela...

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The Leprechaun Nun

Father O'Malley was walking through the fields in Belfast when he looked down and saw a four leaf clover. He picked it and spoke outloud "This must be me lucky day!" Then a Leprechaun came out from behind a tree and stood before him. "Oh it is me lucky day! Do I get a wish now?"

The Leprechau...

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The Guinness Brewery

Mary O'Malley was waiting at home for her husband to come home from work at the Guinness brewery. While she was putting the finishing touches on dinner, she hears a knock on the door. Mary goes to the door to find her husband's friend/coworker, Seamus, on the other side.

"Oh, Seamus! Come i...

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The Italian Stallion and more

The Italian Lover

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired...

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