UPJOKE

Number Two Jokes

How do trees go number two in the forest?

They drop a log!

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A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai,

Number One Samurai, "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Sam...

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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

My teacher told me to take out my number two pencil.

Lady, I don't have a favorite pencil, let alone a runner up.

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Poop jokes aren't my favorite kind of jokes.

But they are a solid number two.

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Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.”

...

Why was Buzzfeed's editor found dead in the bathroom?

Because number two shocked him.

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pl...

There are a couple of reasons you shouldn't drink out of a toilet bowl

Number one and number two

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A man dies, and is sent to hell.

He meets up with the Devil and the Devil says “you know what, I’m feeling generous today. I’ll let you pick out your punishment. There are three doors here, and you must choose one. Since I’m feeling extra nice, I’ll let you see them first.”

The man goes up to door number one and sees a naked...

What does Disney have in common with a guy in an outhouse in Chicago?

They’re both making frozen number two.

My wife said she would divorce me if I kept quoting Star Trek.

So I said, "Number Two, make it so!"

Have you seen the sequel to Constipation?

Nah, number two hasn't come out yet.

I asked the optometrist if I could use the bathroom.

“Number one, or number two?”

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A man is driving down the street one night and sees a nun hitchhiking on the side of the road.

Wanting to do a good deed, he pulls over and offers to pick her up.

Thankful, the nun gladly accepts his ride and tells him where she is heading. This happens to be on the way for him anyway, so even better!

The conversation on the way is a bit stiff at first — you know, not really kno...

3 Ducks Walk into a Bar ...

“Say, what’s your name?” the bartender asked the first duck.

“Huey,” was the reply.

“How’s your day been Huey?”

“Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.

What else could a duck want?” said Huey

“Oh. That’s nice,” said the bartende...

YSK - The number one reason house plants die is OVER watering.

The number two reason is under watering.

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Three old men met for breakfast

As they ate the subject of health came up. One man said "I don't know what's going on with my system now but I'm up at least a dozen times a night to pee! Even if I stop drinking HOURS before I try to sleep!"

The number two man said "Well, beats the opposite. I swear, some days I'm stuck sit...

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Did you hear about the runner who pooped his pants during a race?

He didn't win, but he did finish number two.

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The Five Secrets To Happiness…

The Five Secrets to Happiness

Number one: Find a woman who can make you laugh.

Number two: Find a woman who can cook.

Number three: Find a woman who actually listens to you.

Number four: Find a woman who’s good in bed.

And number five, the most important secret:...

I just bought #1 baby diapers

However my newborn doesn't seem to care, and she also went number two on them.

Three cheers for mediocrity!

We’re number two!

How do you make number one disappear?

You flush.

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(NSFW) The Tattoo

A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, "where the hell have you been?"

"I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred-dollar bill on my penis."

"What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred-dollar bill ...

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Mom wants her son to go to school.

A mother was making breakfast for her son and when he didn’t come down for breakfast she went up to his room and said “come on, your breakfast is ready and you’re going to be late for school.

From behind his closed bedroom door the son replies “ I don’t want to go to school.”

Mom repl...

Heard on the FAA radio frequency after Trump is dropped off in Florida:

“Air Force one just took a number two, over”

An unemployed man saw an ad in the newspaper asking for a Disneyland cop. He immediately goes to apply for the job.

"If you want to work at Disneyland," says the job agent, "you must show your knowledge of Disney by answering these questions. Question number one: what kind of animal is Mickey?"

"A dog?" guesses the guy.

"I'm sorry," says the agent, "but the correct answer is, a mouse. Question numbe...

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Best place to spend a life in hell...

So, a man dies and goes to Hell. When he arrives he is greeted and shown around by a member of Hell’s HR department. He is told that he had three options as to where he will spent eternity.

The HR demon opens up door number one and the room is filled with people standing on their heads on a w...

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Chinese torture

A man is driving through the country at night when his car breaks down. He walks to the nearest farm, a big 3 story farmhouse, and when he knocks on the door and old chinese man answers. "I'm sorry to bother you sir, but my car broke down about a mile down the road. Would it be alright with you if s...

Some people say that leafy greens are the best thing for colon health

But I think fiber makes a solid number two.

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