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Noooo Jokes

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For the last time, NO! NO! NOOOO!

So, there's this man. He's young, healthy, reasonably attractive, good job, etc.

Only problem is, he has a 25 inch penis. This might might sound great if you're a 12 year old, but it soon becomes the bane of his existence. Every time he meets a nice lady, eventually things lead to the bedroom...

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I held a door open for a lady today. You'd think she would say thank you or acknowledge in some way. But noooo....

....All she said was,

*CLOSE THE FUCKIN DOOR, I'M TRYING TO PISS.*

I was on a date at a restaurant.

At the end, she reached around in her pockets, then said, "Oh noooo! I forgot my purse!"

I said, "It's fine, don't worry...I'll pay."

"You're a gent," she replied.

Thankfully I made the money back by selling her purse.

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A King is going on an adventure in a faraway land leaving his beautiful queen.So He ask for his 3 brave knights to guard her he is away.

But in doing so,He put an improvised penis guillotine to the queens vagina.

Then after a year,The king came back,Then He ordered the first knight to strip.

KING:ITS CUT!THROW HIM TO THE LIONS!

KNIGHT 1:NOOOO!

Then he ordered the 2nd knight to strip!

KING:ITS CUT TO...

The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?" A goat shouted, "The big bad wolf is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing?" questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

The Anteater

An anteater walks into a bar! The bartender, who is extremely famous, asks if he can get him a drink. The anteater responds "noooooo." This surprises the bartender as no one has ever declined a drink before. He decides to ask the anteater if he'd like a basic drink, a rum and coke! The anteater resp...

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Bear and rabbit

Bear and rabbit are in woods eating berries. Bear ask the rabbit “ when you shit does it stick to your fur” Rabbit say sharply “noooo”.Bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

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(True story) Friend and I were talking about dick sizes and my mother over hears me say how small I am.

She says in a defensive concerned voice. Noooo.. You're big.....

Mom! How the hell would you even know that?! You haven't seen my junk since I was a baby!

Cause, when you were born the nurses came to me and said you were the biggest of all the other baby boys in the nursery.

I s...

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While Visiting Scotland I stop at a bar

While I was in Scotland I stop at the local pub and belly up next to an old drunk Scot nursing his drink.



After a few drink he says to me, "Ach, laddie, you see this bar? This bar right here?! I built this bar with mine own two hands and mine own aching back! But do they call me MacGr...

[blonde] Two girls were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."

"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"

The blonde turned around again. "Yes... no... yes... no...yes..."

In a a gents restroom, a man is sitting in a stall doing his business.

Suddenly the man in the next stall starts a conversation:

"Hello there!"

"Umm... Hello"

"How are you?"

"I'm uhh..fine... How about yourself?"

"I'm doing great. What are your doing right now?"

"Uhhhh..... Nothing much.... Just sitting here...."

"Shall ...

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A boy and a girl are arguing whose parent is better.

Boy: “My dad is strong.”

Girl: “My mom is stronger! She lifts weights.”

“Well, my dad has a penis.”

“So does my mom!”

“Noooo, your mom can’t have a penis! Moms don’t have penises.”

“Yes she does! I saw it today in her cupboard!”

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A girl is cuddling with her boyfriend watching TV and says...

\-Tell me something sweet.

\- Watermelon.

\-Nooooo, something I'd like.

\-Shoes.

\-Noooo, something sexy.

\-Your sister.

What's the Best thing about Duct Tape?

It turns Noooo! Noooo! Noooo!......to..... Mmmmm, Mmmmm, Mmmmm.

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I was on a date and my girl asked me to tell her something sweet.

I said "Candy."

She said "No, I mean, something I'd like."

"Shoes."

"Noooo, something sexy."

"Your sister."

Green,pink and yellow

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The Mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!" The Border Patrol Ag...

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The sandwich sex!

A guy went into a brothel for the first time, he was met by an old lady.

"hello, how can I help you sir?" said the old lady.

"well, I'm just bored from normal sex, I wanna try something different..."

"would you like to try the sandwich sex?"

"sandwich?? Well... Whatev...

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A college student was driving through rural Scotland on holiday

When he came across an old stone pub that must have been several hundred years old. He thought to himself that this could be an opportunity to sample some of the local ale, so he parked and headed inside.

When he opened the door, however, the bar was empty except for one old bartender polish...

[In Court Room]

Judge: How does the defendant plead.

Lawyer: like this your honor 'makes whiny noise' \*noooo i didnt do any crimes\*

Judge: HAHAHA do it again

some knock knock jokes my daughter told me on the way home from school

"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana skin."
"Banana skin, who?"
"Yay! Someone slipped on me! You know, *because people slip on banana skins*."

"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Toilet paper."
"Toilet paper, who?"
"Noooo! Don't wipe me on your d...

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A teacher is helping her young students with their colors and shapes.

"Boys and Girls, I'm thinking of something round and red!" she says.

Julie's hand shoots up. "A cherry!!" she says, beaming.

"Noooooo," says the teacher, "It's an apple...But I'm glad you're thinking...... "

She smiles at the class. "Let's try another one!" she says. "I'm think...

A man was driving around back roads and gets lost

The man stopped at a farm to get directions. As he was talking to the farmer he noticed a pig with a wooden leg. “How did that pig lose his leg?” he asked the farmer. “Well”, said the farmer, “that’s a very special pig. One night not too long ago we had a fire start in the barn, and that pig squeale...

True Story

I was driving home with my 5 year old daughter tonight asking about her day.

"What did you learn at school today?", I asked.

"I don't remember.", she replied.

"Chicken lips?", I suggested

She immediately said, "Noooo."

I asked again. "Tuna hips?"

She let l...

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2 men are at a bar ontop of the empire state building

* Man 1 looks to Man 2 and says;
* "You see that window over there? It's magical; if you jump out of it you can fly!"
* Man 2 says, somewhat tipsy, "Noooo you can't, you have to show me for me to believe you."
* Man 1 says "Ok" and goes to the other side of the room, takes a running star...

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McGregor-the-Bar-Builder

*A WELL-KNOWN old timer speaking to a young man in a bar in Scotland*

"Laddy, Yer see this baer here? How smooth and finely carved it is
I built dis baer wid me bare hands,
But nooooo, they dun't coll me McGregor-the-bar-builder."

*the young man is uninterested*

*even l...

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Man walks into a bar on the roof of the Time Warner Center

After a few drinks he looks across at the second tower with awe, and notices a gentleman with black glasses doing the same. "Pretty cool, huh?" He says to him.

"Oh, you don't know the half of it...Did you know they specifically engineered these buildings to catch the wind and create an updraf...

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A gambler gets audited by the IRS

The man walks in to see the auditor with his lawyer and sits down. The auditor says "you claim to have made around $10 million last year through gambling and frankly, we don't believe you"
The man says "I'm a great gambler and I can prove it!"
The auditor replies "go ahead" so th...

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Do they call me Craig the fence maker?

Bill was an American tourist in Scotland when he wandered off the trail and got lost. He wandered around for hours and was starting to worry when the sun went down. In the darkness, he saw a tiny light on top of a hill. He knew it meant civilization so he started walking towards it.

After an...

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A man with many talents..

An American is backpacking through Scotland and finds a nice pub to enjoy a pint. Upon entering, the stranger finds only two men in the pub, a bartender and an older man nursing his drink. The backpacker takes a seat, orders a pint and begins to drink. After some time has passed, the only other cust...

My friend Larry says he knows everyone...

During President Obama’s inauguration, Larry told me, "You know, Obama and I are buddies." said, "Sure you are." He said, "No, really! Just turn on your TV tonight to the Inaugural Ball. You'll see me." Sure enough, I turned on the TV that night, and there was Larry, talking to President Obama w...

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The Voo Doo Dick Joke!!! (NSFW)

I think maybe alot of people have heard this, but i did a search on jokes and didn't see it, so for those who haven't, enjoy.

EDIT: K, before anyone says anything, i googled this and found that user sean7755 actually posted his own version of this first, so no offense to him, and i'll leave ...

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In honor of the papal visit, I submit the worst, longest, most tortuous pope joke I know.

It's 1969.

China and the Soviet Union are on the brink of open hostilities. The war would kill us all. And only the pope can save the day.

Well, so thinks Richard Nixon.

See, he'd been up all night watching *The Shoes of the Fisherman*, and it was such a harrowing vision that he...

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