UPJOKE

Next Door Neighbour Jokes

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My next door neighbour is an inconsiderate asshole. He knocked on my door at 3AM last night!! 3AM!!

Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.

My next door neighbour just knocked on my door with her dinner in her hands.

With Facebook and Instagram down she wanted me to see what she was having

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My next door neighbour is bulimic.

She was making so much noise last night that I banged on the wall and shouted "For fucks sake, keep it down."

My next door neighbour….

My next door neighbour has a green triangular house , my other neighbour has a rectangular yellow house and the one across the road has a orange octangular house .

Yes that’s right I live in a quality street

My next door neighbour has been in a few films

She'll be furious if she ever finds out

My next door neighbour is really loud and obnoxious

So now I know how Canada feels.

I've been stealing garden ornaments from my next door neighbour...

Who shall remain Gnomeless

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My wife is really mad at our next door neighbour, because she is always sunbathing nude in her backyard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

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My next door neighbour knocked my door.

Wearing just a see through negligee, asked to borrow a cup of sugar

and then winked at me and asked to come in for a coffee...

I said "Fuck off Dave. I've got work tomorrow.

During lockdown my next door neighbours 4 year old started learning Spanish.

He still can’t say ‘Please’ though, which is poor for four.

My neighbour across the street said he was born in Micronesia. My next door neighbour said he was born in Indonesia. I told them I was born in Amnesia.

My father forgot to wear a condom.

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While having sex with my wife, the next door neighbour knocked on our front door.

You couldn't believe my surprise when I opened it.

When my next door neighbour started throwing chunks of chicken, lamb, beef & pork off his roof, I thought “Wow...

...a meatier shower”.

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

My next door neighbour hasn't done an honest day's work in her entire life.

She's a politician.

Me next door neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.

We got a long well.

My next door neighbour says I'm a bit of a looker.

Well, 'Peeping Tom' were the actual words she used.

My next door neighbour has just bought an Audi, a Toyota and 2 BMW's.

I think he's got car owner virus.

My next door neighbour keeps saying he's actually a big cat in a human suit.

To be honest I think he might be lion.

Wife just got out the shower...

The husband is hopping into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the door-bell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Bob looks a bit flustered from seeing her in the to...

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6 Life Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

My next door neighbour is a ice cream man, he went missing and we eventually found him in the back of his van covered in sprinkles, caramel, crushed oreos and chocolate flakes

Apparently he topped himself!

A woman is talking to her next door neighbour and she says I'm worried about my 16 year old son...

I looked in his school bag and found a gimp mask, nipple clamps and a whip. What should I do.
And the neighbour replyed I'm no expert but I wouldn't spank him.

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'...

Teacher's pet gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
“Well done, Roland," says the teacher, "can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie...

My next door neighbour came over and accused me of stealing her clothes!

She threatened to call the Police! I was so scared I nearly peed her pants! :'(

Some delivery guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."

I replied, "You've got the wrong house then, haven't you?"

A young boy at school notices his best friend has a new watch!

The boy asks his friend "How did you get a new watch? How did you get your parents to buy it for you"?

His friend says "what you need to do is sneak home at a time when you are not expected and catch your father in bed with the next door neighbour and when you do he will buy you what you want...

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I just told my next door neighbour we are moving out next week and she said “Great, that means you can stop stealing my undies off my clothes line”!

I nearly shit her pants when she said it.

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So the next door neighbours dog would not stop barking.

So one day this guy has a big win on a horse race and goes for a few drinks to celebrate, after a few too many pints decides he has had enough of this dog barking across the wall from next door every night. So he marches up to his neighbours door and offers to buy the dog for a big wad of notes. The...

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Ireland Declares War on France

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," the President of France ...

"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"

Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"

The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.

Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"

Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for on...

Following the advice of his doctor, Mr. Johnson moved to Florida.

When he arrived in his new Florida home, Mr. Johnson met his next door neighbour. His new neighbor was a man around his age, but he had a full head of hair and appeared to be very strong.

"Hello," Mr. Johnson said to his new neighbour. "Is Florida as healthy as my doctor says it is?"

"...

A teacher asks her class to come up with a sentence...

...that contains the word "contagious."

Amy stands up and says "Last week my mummy had the flu. It was contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Then Becky stands up and says "a long time ago the Bubonic Plague affected a lot of Europe and because it was very contagiou...

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A family are sitting at the dinner table when their meal is interrupted when the family dog walks into the room with a dead rabbit in its mouth...

The family all panic as they identify the rabbit belongs as their next door neighbours'. In a desperate attempt to avoid being blamed for the rabbits death, they try to cover it up. Shampoo'ing the rabbits fur to make it look less obvious it has been mauled etc. Once the rabbit looks slightly more p...

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