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Newly Wed Jokes

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[NSFW] [Long]A newly wed couple movies in with each other for the first time...

A newly wed couple moves in with each other for the first time and are going through the normal aches and pains of learning to live with someone new.

For the most part, everything is going well. No big disagreements, a couple of small annoying habits, but nothing major. Though, after several ...

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A Newly wed young man gets enrolled in the army

Upon arrival at the border, he goes silent and depressed as he hasn't even gone through his honeymoon phase. He doesn't participate in any group conversations nor he has any friends there. Things get too gloomy for him.
Upon noticing this, his fellow soldiers in attempt to cheer him up ask him t...

A newly wed couple...

Husband: Hun, I have a huge problem.

Wife: Stop saying it’s yours, we are married it’s OUR problem now.

Husband: I got your best friend pregnant, we are the parents!

A Newly Wed Chinese Couple Go on Their Honeymoon

They get to the hotel late. The bride is visibly nervous and the groom is patiently and lovingly trying to reassure her.

He says "You don't need to worry about anything. Anything you want, I do for you."

Feeling a bit calmer she inquisitively looks at him and says "anything?"

"A...

A newly wed couple are in bed together

A newly wed couple are in bed together.
The wife reaches over to grab her husband.

"Oh my God, it's so big" she said.

The husband gave a pleased hum.

"Are they all this big?" She asked.

"More or less," he said.

"It's halfway down your thigh!" She exclaimed.
<...

A newly wed couple didn't know the difference between putty and Vaseline.

A week after their marriage all of their windows fell out, which was the least of their worries.

A newly wed bride asks her husband

Why didn't you tell me you are broke before we got married? He replies: I always told you that you are my EVERYTHING!

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a newly wed couple decided to spend their honeymoon on a camping trip

it was fucking intense

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A newly wed deaf couple are setting ground rules on their honeymoon.

The bride says, “If you want to have sex with me massage my breasts. If you don’t tap my belly.”

The groom says, “That’s a great idea! If you want to have sex with me tug my penis, if you don’t tug it a 100 times.”

[NSFW] After their wedding reception, the newly weds went to their hotel to check in.

"Do you have reservations?" the desk clerk asked.
"Only one" replied the man. "She says she won't do anal"

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Newly wed 70-year old

Marty is with his fellow septuagenarian friends. During a thoughtful pause between all the joking and grousing he reveals that he and his new bride are having some issues with sex. The friends had previously warned Marty that his bride-to-be only wanted him for his money and now they rallied around ...

A newly wed couple is riding through the field on a donkey-cart.

After a while the donkey trips up. The man calmly gets down and looks the donkey squarely in the eyes.

"This, is the first time," he says.

Terrified the donkey keeps trotting on and tries his best to not trip again, but eventually they get to wet grass and he can't help slipping. The m...

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A newly wed husband comes home from work

He finds the house spotless, his wife has been cleaning all day. There's a great smell of food in the air. He goes to the kitchen and finds his wife. She says "I've been working all day on this food, I hope you like it". The husband picks her up and says "you're all the food I want" and takes her...

A newly wed couple were talking their new home

A newly wed couple were taking to their new home

Husband says "How about some flowers?"

The wife slyly mentions "Or Kids to help liven the place"

The Husband smiles and replys good idea

The next day, the husband brings home orchids

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A newly wed couple are off on their honeymoon in Australia

They were out swimming in the sea when all of a sudden, a jelly fish stung the wife in the vagina. They quickly went to the hospital and the doctor said "it looks like you will be okay but due to the swelling you won't be able to have sex for at least a couple of weeks." The couple were so disappoin...

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The Newly Weds

After the ceremony, a newly wed couple celebrated their marriage at the brides father's ranch.

The groom, having traveled a lot during their relationship, didn't have a chance to acquaint himself to anyone but the brides mother and father.

During the dinner, he finally got to meet most...

A newly wedded couple

A newly wedded couple moved in to the new house, which happened to be on the same street as grooms parents house. Living so close the mother in law loved to check on her sons wife thru the day and would pay her a visit nearly every day when her son was at work. One afternoon she knocked on the door ...

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Two newly wed couples end up at the same place for their Honeymoon

The two grooms are are at the bar talking about finally making love to their new wives. One of them suggests a competition to see who gets the most sex and they both agree. They needed a code so their wives wouldn't know they were having a competition, so it was suggested that over breakfast they wo...

Confessions of a newly wed.

On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up.

After some soul-searching, the husband gather...

A newly wed woman says to her friend "i gotta be careful not to get pregnant"

Friend: Didn't your husband get a vasectomy?
Woman: Precisely

A newly wedded desperate soldier ..

A newly wedded desperate soldier sends a hand-grenade to his mother-in-law, with a note:

Dearest Mom,
If you pull this ring, I'll be able to get 3 days leave. :P

Two newly weds were discussing how many kids they will have

He: We will have two kids.
She: I want three kids.
He: No, I will have vasectomy after the second one.
She: I hope you treat the third one also as your own.

So this newly wed girl asks me how I've managed to be happily married for 30 years...

And I tell her the 25 years have been tough, but the last 5 have been amazing.

"Why" she asks.

"Because for the longest time my wife has been begging me to take her to Paris for our 25th anniversary, so when it came time I took her to Paris, smartest decision I've made, we've been happ...

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On finding his bride to be a virgin, a newly wedded groom is overjoyed and says, "I wanna kiss the one who took care of you and protected your virginity for me".

Bride: Kiss my ass.

Bobs wedding

Robert, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After ...

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So there are three couples.

Three couples—one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed—apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.

After two weeks, they return. The ...

A newly wed couple have be living together for a few months.

Every morning the guy wakes up and lets out a long loud fart.

The wife says, “one morning when you wake up you are going to blow out your insides.”

A few months later it’s thanksgiving and the wife is prepping the turkey. With a smirk on her face she takes the turkey guts and goes to...

[OC] A newly wed couple, Mr and Mrs Wong, are driving down the road. After a time, they come to a crossroads.... Which way do they turn?

Left, obviously.

Everyone knows two Wongs don't make a right.

Newly Weds Morgan and Adam have just moved into their new house....

and Morgan looks out the window and sees the neighbor's laundry hanging up to dry. "They need some new detergent, that laundry is still dirty!" The next morning Morgan wakes up and notices that the laundry is still dirty. This happens for the next couple of months, until one day she wakes up and see...

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How much sex do couples have?

Newly weds: "Tri-weekly."

After 10 years: "Try weekly."

After 30 years, "Try, weakly."

Secret of a successful marriage!

An old man married for 52 years was asked by his neighbor about the secret for his successful marriage.

The old man stated that on the night of his marriage, he and his newly wed bride had decided that if one of them ever got angry with the other, they would settle the issue peacefully.
...

Long joke A Newly wed couple are in their hotel room...

This is the first time they will see each other naked. So the new husband takes of his pants and throws them at his new wife. " here put these on" he says. The wife grabbed the pants and thought it was a weird request but did it anyways. The new husband was a big burly fella so the pants where very ...

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The three stages of married sex

Kitchen sex: when you are newly weds and so into each other that you have sex everywhere in the house, including the kitchen.

Bedroom sex: once you are further along in your marriage and sex only occurs in the bedroom.

Hallway sex: the end stage of your marriage when you pass each o...

Translated from Russian. Three woman (American, French and Russian) are sharing their stories.

The first one says,

-- Once we got wed, I told my husband: "From now on, I quit cooking and cleaning". My husband left, and I don't see him for one day, two days, three days... On the fourth day he comes back with this amazing robot that is both cooking and cleaning for us while we make love....

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Vampires!

So a Man and His newly wedded wife were about to have Sex in this Transylvanian Hotel. She was lying on the bed, dress in nothing but her tiny lingerie. Just when he was about to get on the bed with her and do the deed. A Vampire crashed through the roof between them. It stood there, menacingly, and...

Family politics

A mother-in-law was welcoming her newly wed daughter-in-law and explaining the hierarchy:

"I am Vice President, Home Affairs Minister as well as Finance Minister of this house.

Your Father-in-law is the President, Defense and Security Minister and Foreign Affairs Minister.

My So...

My wife has a peculiar cooking habit

So, my wife and I are newly weds, and she's a great cook, but I noticed she did something strange when preparing sausages. Just before she puts them in the skillet, she cuts off about an inch on both sides of the sausages.

After having witnessed this a couple of times, I asked her why she di...

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Church fun.

A elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a newly wed couple go to their local church to apply to be a members of their congregation .
"all of you would make fine additions to the church" the priest says.."All we ask is that you refrain from from having sex for two weeks. Please come back in t...

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A Tiger is getting married to the Tigress and the whole Jungle is invited. except the Monkey:



A Tiger is getting married to the Tigress and the whole Jungle is invited. except the Monkey.

After the ceremony, everyone returns to their own place and the newly wed couple are returning to theirs.

While on their way, the Monkey suddenly appears and shouts:

"Hey you ...

Red alert

A Soldier Was Given A Three-Day Leave To Attend To His Newly Wedded Wife But On Getting Home, He Realized That His Wife Was In Her Menstrual Period.

So He Decided To Send A Telegram To His Headquarter To Extend His Leave But With His Mother-In-Law And Other Visitors Around, He Decided To Code...

Jelly Doughnut

A newly wedded couple were on their honeymoon and were getting busy. They finish and the husband takes the condom off and accidentally throws it out the window.

The wife says “You can’t leave that out there. Go get it.”

So the husband gets dressed and runs outside. He sees a little b...

A Catholic Mexican couple decide to mix it up a bit.

They'd been engaged for a year and instead of getting married in their village they decided to have a spontaneous marriage in Las Vegas. So they flew there one night, found a cute little chapel and said their vows. As they were leaving a man walks up to them. He said "we like to offer newly wed coup...

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In a remote village

In a remote village they had an old tradition: the newly weds would participate in a competition where the brides would recognize their husbands from their penises exposed through a glory hole. Three newly weds get ready, but one guy is terribly embarrassed about the size of his penis. He confesses ...

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Sex Maniac! ---

A newly wed lady writes a letter to her mother for the first time after her marriage.

This is how the letter went:

Dear mom,

I'm happy here but danny troubles me a lot, he is such a sex maniac that he makes love to me all the time, while washing clothes, while bathing, while coo...

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So there's this guy, let's call him Paul Yankee.

So Paul Yankee had been dating this girl Wendy Norris for a few years, so he finally proposed and she said yes.

Fast forward to the wedding and they are the happiest people to ever exist. Mr Paul Yankee and Mrs Wendy Yankee decided to go to Jamaica for their honeymoon. As a surprise for his ...

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The honeymooners

So me and an old friend decide to go on a fishing trip. When we arrived at the lodge we were informed that the only boat they had was for the honeymoon cabin, we asked if it was available, but no, it had just been rented my a newly wed couple for the weekend.



So we rented a boat from ...

A middle aged bachelor has an obsession with tractors.

His entire house is decorated with them. He has tractor wallpaper, tractor memorabilia, many many model tractors, pictures of tractors, tractor bed sheets, even his car looks like a tractor (not a real tractor due to legal reasons).

As it is, his obsession with tractors had left him awkward, ...

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What is that smell?

The police were called to a hotel to investigate a bad smell coming from one of the rooms. The manager meets the cop and escorts them to the offending room.

'Officer, there's a terrible smell coming from this room; the occupants were newly weds who stressed their need to not be disturbed whe...

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Three couples want to join a church.

... There is an older couple, a middle aged couple, and a newly wed couple. They all meet with the priest.

The priest tells them they must abstain from sex for two weeks. The priest says "after two weeks, if you are successful in putting God before your own desires we will welcome you into ...

Etiquette for beginners

[adapted from a scene in the film Carry on Cruising]

A steward on a cruise ship is hesitating outside a door to a cabin with a pot of coffee on a tray. The chief purser doing his rounds sees him and asks him what he's doing.

"Well sir, it's like this", the steward begins, "I'm complete...

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Pink Ping Pong Ball

A little boy named Marty was born one day to a wealthy family. On Marty's second birthday, his mom asked Marty what he wanted for his birthday. Marty said, "I want a pink ping pong ball!" Mom was confused why Marty wanted pink ping pong balls but agreed to buy them for her son's sake.

Fast f...

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