UPJOKE

Newly Married Jokes

A newly married couple

A newly married couple make their way to bed and everything is going well until...

"Ooh! Oh! Look at that! What's wrong with it?" cries the bride.

"It's just my junk!" says the groom, offended.

"Yes, but's what's wrong with it? They're not supposed to look like that! It's all tw...

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A newly married couple visit a doctor.

The doctors asks, "What's the problem?"

Husband replies, "There is a bee stuck in my wife's vagina."

Doctor asks, "How the hell did it get in there??"

Husband, "I'm not sure, but maybe one of the bees, from the beehive right next to our house, happened to get in there, when my w...

Newly married couple.

A newly married Texan couple are in bed for the first time.

The girl who is a reserved Christian goes, "What is that thing?"

"That's my rope." The husband replies proudly.

"And what's beneath that?"

"Them's me knots."

And then they go on to make love.
During w...

Newly Married Couple from honeymoon

A newly-married couple came home from their honeymoon and moved into the upstairs apartment they'd rented from the groom's parents.

That night, the father of the groom was awakened from his sleep by his wife.

"Tony, listen!" she whispered. He listened. Upstairs, the bed was creaking in...

A newly married man had to work interstate for a week

He didn’t want his new bride to miss out whilst he was away, so be bought her a vibrator.

After a couple of days, he asked her if she was enjoying the new toy.

She told him that it was ok, but the only problem was that it knocked two of her teeth out.

A newly married Alan goes to the meet Father George

He greets the priest and says, 'Father, I need to talk to you.'

The Priest asks, 'Is it a confession, my son?'

Alan replies, 'No, Father! I need to clarify something.'

The Priest takes Alan to his private chamber and says, 'Tell me, Alan. What is it?'

Alan asks, 'Father,...

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A newly married Deaf couple..

Soon realize that initiating sex in the dark is quite difficult. The wife decides that if she wants to have sex she will suck him once so he knows. He replies, "and if you don't want to have sex then suck me fifty times".

A newly married doctor got a call inviting him to go and play cards that evening.

A newly married doctor got a call inviting him to go and play cards that evening.

"I have to go out, honey," he said to his wife.

"Oh no, not again," she said. "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes," replied her husband. "There are three doctors there already."

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I would have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"

Newly Married Husband

Newly Married Husband puts a notice
in front of his residence:
FOR SALE
Computer and Encyclopedia both in
good condition.
Reason for selling:
No longer needed
Got married.
Wife knows EVERYTHING ...
with backup server called
"Mother In Law "

Newly married couple ..

A new bride is being driven home in a buggy by her new husband, and the horse stumbles. The husband gets off and whips the horse and says "That's 1!"

He climbs back and they continue. A mile later the horse stumbles again and the husband gets off again and whips the horse again and says "Tha...

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A newly married woman is distressed to find out her new husband plays so much golf...

My husband is on the links every day, she confides with her neighbor, I feel so neglected at times, Why don’t you learn to golf so you can be with your husband every day? the neighbor advises, yes that’s a great idea,
Next day she goes to the club to look for a woman pro, after finding one she’s...

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A newly married couple...

are having sex in an old, flat tombstone, cemetery. The next day, the woman complains of back problems and goes to see a doctor. The doctor asks "How old are you?
She replies "27, why?
"No reason, it says on your ass you died in 1798"

A newly married couple is driving the back roads in Arkansas and needed to stop for gas

They happened upon a small gas station. As they went to pay for the gas they noticed an older Native American man sitting by the door.
Just being a little silly the husband says "Howgh", and raises his hand in the air. The older man nods.
Inside the gas station they ask the teller about th...

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Newly married NZ man

A guy from New Zealand got married and upon return from his honeymoon his brother asks "How did it go?"

The groom says "It was awesome fun and I tell you, from the way that chick was acting I reckon I could've fucked her."

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There are four kinds of sex

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YO...

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A newly married couple is about to have sex for the first time...

The husband says "What kind of woman are you? No naval, no breasts..."

The wife says "Get off my back."

A newly married couple enter the honeymoon suite on their wedding night...

The groom begins to get undressed and throws his trousers at his new wife.

"Here, put these on." He says confidently.

"Why?" She asks.

"Because thats the only time you'll wear the trousers in this relationship!" He replies.

The wife slips her hand under her dress and slow...

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My 87 year old grandfather told me this last night

A newly married couple was having extreme financial difficulties. Finally the husband said "honey I'm sorry, but there's nothing else we can do. I'm going to have to put you on the street corner." He drops his wife off around 2:00am and picks her up the next morning.

When he asked her how ...

A newlywed couple was on vacation when they heard about a prophet who lived in the hills nearby...

They were told by their hotel concierge that he always spoke the truth and could tell them their future, so, filled with curiousity, they went to see him. As they approached the hut, they noticed a terrible smell coming from inside but they pressed on.

The old man was sitting in a chair, wit...

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"Wow you went on a 2 week honeymoon trip to London, Paris and Venice, what all did you see ?"

Newly married bride : Ceiling fans

Edit : this joke is funnier in India as they have taboo on premarital sex

Guy and his comforter.

A newly married guy from a village went back to the city for his job. He went alone so that he could make living arrangements for him and his wife and then he'd take his wife as well. Once he got a decent apartment, he wrote a letter to his father in the village saying that father, please send my wi...

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The newlyweds, the doctor, and the bee

A man and a woman are newly married. On their honeymoon they do the forbidden, but something bad happens. They go to the doctor to resolve it.

Doctor: what’s the problem?
Husband: me and my wife were having sex on our honeymoon and a bee flew up my wife’s vagina.

The doctor is horri...

The Italian bride

A newly married Italian couple is spending their honeymoon in the bride's mother's country cottage. It's the 1930s the bride’s father died long ago, and they don't have much money so this is the best they can do. The new bride, a lovely young woman, has never left her village and never been with a m...

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Newlyweds

A newly married couple had just returned from their honeymoon. As they were getting ready for bed that night, the young husband had an idea he wanted to run past his new bride.

He says "Sweetheart, we have had a lot of sex these last few days on our honeymoon. And I'm sure you can tell I have...

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Newlyweds

One night, a newly married couple take to their bed after the party and after some smooching they decide they're ready to consummate the marriage. So the groom drops his pants and gets a shriek out of the Bride.

"What's wrong with you!" he shouts at her.
"Ohh! OOH! What's THAT?!" she repli...

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Joining the church...

A newly married couple move to their dream home in a small village. They are not particularly religious, however they think that joining the church would be an ideal way to meet the locals and be able to join in a little with the community.

So they go to the church to ask the Vicar about join...

$50 is $50

There was a newly married jewish couple called Mike and Ida that lived in a relatively small town. Every year there was a big fair that came to town that Mike and Ida decided to go to when they were 19, and they were blown away with all of the events and festivities. There was one in particular that...

The Wrong Condom

A newly married couple decided to make love on their wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding.

The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from the shop nearby.

When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with a...

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Roger the Living Head [Story Joke]

So there's this newly married couple, and they love each other quite a bit. So they decide they're going to have a child. Nine months goes by and it's time for the child to be delivered, but when the doctors pull the baby out, it is only a head. It's still crying and healthy, but it has no body besi...

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