UPJOKE

New Born Jokes

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all. Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.

Now it’s your turn to speak.

A king was growing jealous of his new born

Ever since his son was born, the king felt like everyone was paying more attention to his son than him. As days passed he was starting to get more and more jealous of his son for getting all the love and was starting to feel a pain growing in him knowing that he wasn't the center of the attention an...

What did the new born baby say to the police officer?

I just did 9 months on the inside.

How to abort a new born child?

Simple! Become an anti vax parent.

Why was the new born baby crying in his anti vax mom hands

He was having a mid life crisis

A doctor brings new born baby to father

Doctor walks up to the father with baby in arms. He starts repeatedly punching it, kicking it and then throws it in the ground and stomps on it. The father was in shock with his jaw dropped. The doctor then says "just kidding, it was already dead"

A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby.​

**"Look at the size of his pecker," says the man. "It's massive!"​**
**"Yes dear," says the woman. "But at least he's got your ears."**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Native American emerges with a new born...

A Native American chief emerges from a teepee with a new born in his hands, looks round at the crowd of awaiting people and announces, "this boy shall be known as "Sitting Bull"".

One young man approaches the chief and asks "Chief, why name the boy "Sitting Bull?"

"It is simple. Whe...

A little boy was jealous that his new born brother was getting all the attention of his family now so he decided to put poison on his mom's nipples.

Two days later, the mailman, a neighbor and the pizza delivery guy were found dead.

Birth control in an African Village

The great white doctor comes to an impoverished African village where he sees several young mothers either pregnant or with several small kids in tow, all showing signs of malnourishment. On inquiry through an interpreter, he learned that the chief was a rather amorous character and all the ladies a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Medical science has come a long way.

There's a tribe in Africa whose exposure to chemical runoff in the water from local mines created birth defects. One out of every three children are born with no eyelids. Volunteer doctors created a procedure where they take the foreskin from new born males and create eyelids for those born without ...

Mick: I’ve got a medical problem so I have to get circumcised...

Paddy: Wow! At 35 years old?! I was a new born baby when I was circumcised.

Mick: Did it hurt?

Paddy: Well I couldn’t walk for about 12 months

Two Old Men

Two old men were sitting in the yard outside the care home one day when Tim turned to the other and said "John I'm really feeling my age today I just hurt all over, how are you feeling?


John replied "I feel just like a new born babe"


Tim looked at him startled "A New Born...

The daughter of the house walks over to her mom and asks:

"Mom. Why is my name Leaf?"

Her mother answers:
"Well, that is because when you were a new born, a leaf landed on your head."

Later the oldest son asks:
"Mom. Why is my name Feather?"

"That is because when you were a new born, a feather landed on your head." The mother ans...

A woman passes out while giving birth to her twins leaving her immature, witty brother to name them.

She wakes up and immediately asks her brother what he named her new born girl. He replies,"Denise". Surprised she says,"That's a beautiful name, what about my baby boy"? He responds with a grin from ear to ear, "Denephew".

The Atheist and the bear.

One beautiful morning, an atheist was walking through the forest, admiring nature's surroundings...
He looked up and saw the trees swaying in the wind high above him and smiled...
He saw the river glisten and the sun twinkle like a new born star and it made him warm inside...
He thoug...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The King of the Jungle [long] [nsfw]

The lion, the king of the jungle, once summoned all the animals to celebrate his new born child. Sure enough all the animals showed up and gazed with awe upon the famous lion's rock.

The lion roared fiercly and all animals awaited silently the big announcement of their king. After a brief mom...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.