UPJOKE

New Baby Jokes

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What do you call a brand new Baby Yoda buttplug?

A **Toy Yoda Pre-Ass.**

I came up with this in a hot parking lot and it just stuck in my brain.

Dad, why did you name the new baby Teresa?

Well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells “Easter”.

-Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mom love Easter.

Yes, that’s right, Alan.

-Thanks, Dad!

Why did the blonde ask for a DNA test on her new baby?

She wanted to make sure it was hers.

The wife and are are trying to name our new baby. She wants to name him Drew

I want to name him Driew. It's only weird if you spell it backwards.

A young couple has a new baby, but after a while the mother starts to think the baby doesn't resemble her or her husband . . .

She decides to get a DNA test done, and sure enough, the results come back that it is not their child.

"Honey, I don't know how to tell you this," she says to her husband. "The baby . . . she's not . . . ours."

"Yeah," says the husband.

"What do you mean, 'yeah'?" she says. "You...

I just got punched by my friend for trying to kiss his new baby on the forehead.

Apparently, I have to wait for the baby to be born first.

A woman gets on the bus holding her new baby...

And the bus driver says, "That is the ugliest baby I have ever seen!"

The woman storms off to her seat and tells the man next to her that the bus driver was very rude to her. The guys tells her "You should go up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Did you hear about Gucci's new baby line of clothing?

It's called "Gucci Gucci Goo"

My girlfriend introduced our new baby to my friends.

"Look at those chubby cheeks and bald head," they said.

I said, "Thanks, but we're here to talk about the baby."

New Baby Sibling

When a woman discovered that she was pregnant, her four-year-old son overheard his parents' conversation.

He didn't say anything until a week later when a family friend asked him if he was excited about the prospect of a new brother or sister.

"Yes," said the boy, "and I know what we'r...

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Irish...

“He looks just like his grandfather”—- a sweet thing to say about a new baby in most parts of the world.

In Alabama, it’s an accusation.

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Looking at their new baby, the mother said, “Those tiny arms, he’ll never be a boxer. Those tiny legs, he’ll never be a runner.

Then the father looked. “He’ll never be a porn star either.”

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The baby without ears.

Little Johnny’s neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the ba...

Making Babies

A couple went to the hospital for their baby delivery. The wife was very sickly and fragile. The deliver had to be a Caesarean section. The husband was pacing the hallways while the wife was in surgery. The nurse finally came out of the delivery room with a little package wrapped in a blue blank...

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A kid walks into his parent’s room

He sees that his mom and dad are fucking.
He asks his dad “ Dad, what are you doing ? “
The Dad says “ I’m getting you a new baby brother or sister by doing it like this…”
The kid replies “ But I don’t want a baby brother or sister, can you do it doggystyle so i can get a pet instead ? “

Public Service Announcement

If you get a new baby bunny for Easter, it is not laying little brown chocolate eggs.

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital

The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The d...

Brand new Grandson

My brand new baby Grandson's cord fell off today. Mom says he's officially wireless!

A couple go to the hospital because the wife is heavily pregnant.

The consultant tells them , “ We have this revolutionary new treatment, we give this special injection to the mother and all the birth pain transfers from the woman to the man. Would you like to try it?”

They discuss it and the husband being a gentleman says “ Of course I would be only too ha...

Johnny’s Brother…

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.

He asked his mom, "Where'd you get him?"

His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."

Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!!

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Children wake up in the morning to find a strange man in their kitchen making some scrambled eggs...

They ask him: "Are you our new baby sitter?"

The guy replies: "No, I'm your new mother fucker."

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When my mum was in labour, my head got stuck in her vagina and the midwife had to pull it out...

Thing is, I was just really excited to meet my new baby brother.

So Little Timmy is Playing with His Legos...

...when all of a sudden his mother comes up to him. She tells him "Timmy, when your father comes home can you tell him to come to our room? Tell him it's very very important". Timmy agrees and continues to play with his legos. A couple of hours later the father comes home and Timmy runs to him and s...

family problems

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year,
The Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
But definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents...
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?' ...

Finally had a baby

A woman longed to have a baby, and finally at age 65 had one, thanks to modern medicine. Her friends all came to visit, excited to see the new baby, but she said "You can't see it till cries." They were puzzled, but they sat and chatted a while, and then asked again. Again she said, "You can't se...

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Three men waited patiently for their babies to be born...

One was a black man, another was a Mormon, and the final was a southern redneck. From the maternity ward, they hear their wives cry in the final push to give birth, but just then all the lights go out. There's a huge commotion and finally after several minutes the lights come back on. The head obste...

For weeks, Tommy was telling his kindergarten teacher about the baby sister who was going to be coming to his house soon.

One day at home, Tommy's mother let him feel the baby kicking. Tommy didn't say anything, and he stopped talking about the baby at school. Finally the teacher sat Tommy down and said, "Whatever happened to your new baby sister?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think my mummy ate her!...

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Little Johnny

Little Johnny’s next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny’s family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny’s parents were very afraid their son would have a wise c...

A guy gets a call his wife is in labor...

He rushes off to the hospital, but gets stuck in traffic. By the time he gets to the hospital his wife has already had the baby. So he heads down to the nursery to see his new baby. He sees his child sleeping and a nurse walks up and ask, " is this your baby?" The nurse picks up the baby and holds t...

One boy sayd to his friend

"My mos is having a new baby!"
His friend reply:
"Whats wrong with the other one?"

What?

I took my neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Wong to the Hospital for the imminent birth of their new Baby. When the Baby was born, it was Caucasian. What's wrong with that, you might ask? Two Wongs don't make a White.

(groans expected......and justified)

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A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents’ room, and he decided to investigate.

As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth. “DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing?” “It’s ok,” his father replied. “Your mother wants a baby, that’s all.” The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back...

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Little Johnny Is In His Bedroom When His Mother Walks In

She says to him, "Little Johnny, we're going to the neighbor's house tonight for dinner to celebrate the birth of their new baby."

"Okay, mommy," he replies.

"Now listen carefully: the baby was born without ears. I don't want you making ear jokes or hearing jokes or anything of the sor...

The Future went to the hospital...

... with his wife, Past, as she was due to deliver their new baby. As the contractions got closer and more intense, the door bursts and there stood Present- out of breath from having run from the parking garage and soaked with sweat.

“I got here as fast as I could, dear- I wouldn’t miss the ...

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