UPJOKE

My Wife Says Jokes

My wife says I get mean when I drink whiskey. Now I drink Canadian whiskey.

I am still mean but I am sorry, too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says if this post get a 1000 likes, I can get anal on my cake day

Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless

My wife says if I don’t stop making puns about Russia, she’s going to hit me.

If that’s the way it’s going to be, then Soviet.

My wife says I can't solve my own problems

How do I prove her wrong?

My wife says I only have 2 faults.

I don't listen and something else.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says I'm obsessed with alliteration.

She seriously says some stupid shit sometimes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says she feels like a dog...

I said "that makes sense, you've been a real bitch lately..."
Now I don't get to see my son.

My wife says SHE is the main breadwinner and I need to treat her like SHE is the man of the house…

So I divorced her and took the house. (Credit The Joke Cafe https://thejokecafe.com)

My wife says she’s leaving me because of my unhealthy obsession with poker.

I think she’s bluffing.

My wife says I have two major flaws

One is that I never listen when she talks to me, and two was something else.

My wife says I'm obsessed with my games console

I personally think that's a load of PS.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says I can never find her G spot, but I think I know the problem

I’m looking in the wrong vaginas

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says that she will have butt sex if this hits the front page by the morning.

Please don't upvote she is on a business trip until tuesday.

My wife says I act really immature and need to grow up

I told her to get the hell out of my pillow fort with that negative attitude

My wife says I'm nosy.

Well...at least that's what she wrote in her diary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says that a small penis shouldn't matter in a loving relationship...

but I still wish she didn't have one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says she’s leaving me due to my obsession with porn,

I wish she would see it from my POV.

My wife says I'm way too condescending

(That means I speak down to people)

My wife says I never buy her flowers

In my defence, I never knew she sold flowers

My wife says adults shouldn't pretend the lawn is lava,

but I'm on the fence.

My wife says I'm a lot like Wordle

Not that hard and only fun for 90 seconds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says our sex is bad because I get easily distracted.

Oh well. Back to it I suppose...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says I'm emotionally constipated.

But I've not given a shit for years.

My wife says I get way too overexcited when I cook and that I always end up using too many herbs in my dishes.

So she told me to take a thyme out.

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My wife says she’s leaving cause of my disgusting habits

I almost choked on my fucking toenail!

My wife says being married to me is like being on vacation for the rest of her life

She always tells people that I was her last resort.

My wife says...

... she's fed up with the way I treat everything like I'm in a TV detective show.

She said "I think we should split up."

I said, "Great idea... We can cover more ground that way..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everytime I want to have sex, my wife says bye and just leaves the room.

Apparently, I am Byesexual.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says we should spice up our sex life with some stuff from 50 Shades of Gray.

First, she wants me to become a billionaire.

My wife says she wanted a BBC for our anniversary....

But she looked so disappointed when I handed her a Big Box of Cookies

My Wife says to me this morning. Our new neighbor kisses his wife every day when he leaves for work, why don't you do that..?!!

#

..because I hardly know her.

My wife says I have a bad sense of direction

So I packed my bags and right

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says she can't imagine getting intimate with anyone else.

That's how much I have put her off sex.

My wife says I treat her like a goddess

Every meal is a burnt offering.

My wife says she's leaving me because I always talk like a newsreader.

But more on that story later.

My wife says that I’m the only one she’s been with.

The others were nines and tens.

The woman across the street only has one arm. My wife says I shouldn't call her bandit because her name is Debbie.

Who ever heard of a "one-armed Debbie?"

My wife says she's fed up and is planning on leaving me this weekend.

Despite begging and pleading with her, she's adamant she won't move out before then.

My wife says I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid.

Joke's on her, I can stop whenever I like.

My wife says I can't pronounce Frederick properly.

**DOCTOR:** What? Can you say it again?

**ME:** Frederick

**DOCTOR:** Your pronunciation is perfect, tell your wife that you don't have any problem with that.

**MY WIFE:** What did the doctor said?

**ME:** The doctor said that there is nothing wrong with my pronunciation ...

My wife says I talk while I sleep

..........but I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says if I don’t stop making bird puns she is going to withhold sex...

...but she can keep her tits to herself. Eventually she will want my cock and she’ll find that toucan play that game.

My wife says I’m addicted to auctions, but she’s wrong...

I stopped after going once…going twice…

How come when my son does something good, my wife says he's HER son...

But when he burns down his school, suddenly it's "*our* son"?

My wife says she's leaving me because of my 'Obsession with Star Wars'

I said 'Please don't go, honey. You're the Obi-Wan for me..............'

My wife says I'm a clueless idiot.

I didn't even know I had a wife.

My wife says I shouldn't plan so far ahead.

Though, she's not my wife yet.

My wife says she’s going to divorce me because I always get erections at inappropriate times

It won’t stand up in court

My wife says that she wants some authentic teacups for her birthday

I still don’t know why she’s horrified, I’m guessing she didn’t expect them to be so big.

My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.

What planet is she on?!

My wife says if I buy any more clothes she's gonna leave me...

I guess our marriage is hanging by a thread.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says vacation sex is the best!!!!

That was the worst postcard I ever received. :-(

My wife says I never pay attention to her...

... at least I think that's what she said.

My wife says I judge her too much...

She was held in contempt of court for saying that.

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