UPJOKE

My Wife Said To Me Jokes

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My wife said to me "You're shagging that girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllwyrndrobwyllllantisiliogogogoch, aren't you?"

I said "How could you say such a thing?"



(To whoever reposts this: the correct spelling is actually *Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch*)

My wife said to me, "What starts with 'F' and ends in 'K'"?

I said, "No, it does'nt"

My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"

I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."

My wife said to me "If I ever get Alzheimers I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me"

I said "Thats the fifth time you've said that today"

My wife said to me she doesn't understand cloning.

I said that makes 2 of us.

My wife said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

So my wife said to me, "I swear, it's like all men share one brain"

I wanted to think of a clever comeback, but it wasn't my turn to use the brain

My wife said to me, "If men are agreeing with you, you said something stupid!"

I responded, *"I agree with you, honey."*

My wife said to me.

Wife: I am going to donate all of my old clothes to poor

under nourished starving women of the World.

Me: Anyone that can fill your clothes are not starving.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night, my wife said to me in bed "You have a messed up relationship with your mother."

I rolled over the other way and said "Ma, are you hearing this shit??"

My wife said to me "first I want you to take off my dress, then my bra, and then my panties..."

...and if I catch you wearing them again there'll be trouble!!!!

My wife said to me, does this make me look big.?

I said, don't worry love it's only a small bathroom.

My wife said to me that if i got another stupid gift this Christmas , she would burn it

So, i bought her a candle

Today my wife said to me, "I can't even".

I said "That's odd".

My wife said to me, "I wish you would make love to me like you did when we were courting"

So I took her to the back of the bike shed at school and got her pregnant again.

My wife said to me "why don't you grow a moustache?" So i did...

Because we like to do things together....

My wife said to me the other day

"Why don't we play that game again tonight where you pretend to be a burglar with a mask on, sneak in the bedroom and take me roughly while I'm pretending to be asleep"



I have absolutely no idea what she's talking about.

My wife said to me if I don't stop quoting Star Wars she's going to leave me

I replied "Only a Sith deals in absolutes"

My wife said to me, "You just don't listen, do you?"

I thought to myself, "that's a pretty weird way to start a conversation"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said to me, "Would you rather have sex with Angelina Jolie or Mila Kunis?"

I said, "Yes."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said to me that she wished I wouldn't drop the F-bomb in front of the kids.

What the fuck is the F-bomb?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said to me "I bet I can say something that will make you angry and proud at the same time"

I said "Go on" and she said "You have the biggest dick in this entire town".

My wife said to me today,You have two parts in your brain

The left and right side. There is nothing right on the right side, and there is nothing left on the left

My wife said to me she wanted to go somewhere fancy....

"somewhere where they serve from the left!" she demanded, so I took her through the drive-thu.

My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.

But I think she's JockingFsss475241HHHNM,GDSADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrrEEEEEEEEEECHHHHHHHHHHHHII003333454587111,KUJYTFB""""3u8ol;[45668kbnt72111vb ki90l.YJNMLGDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/

My wife said to me, “You’re shirtless and also covered in… oil?”

I said, “Well, you’re always saying I never glisten.”


“Listen! You never listen!”

My wife said to me the other day "For the last time I am on my period and I am NOT getting into the water to swim!"

She totally ruined my shark fishing trip.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'll never understand women, my wife said to me earlier: "Babe, I'm stuck on 6 across. 8 letters, fixed the highway?"

"Retarred." I replied.

Ungrateful bitch just threw the paper at me and stormed out.

My wife and I were walking along the beach the other day...

"It's interesting, isn't it." I said. "A woman can walk down the beach in her bra and panties and people would stare and go, 'oh my, that's a bit wrong, that!' and yet, if she walked along the beach in a two piece bikini people wouldn't even bat an eyelid. And, when you think about it, a two piece b...

My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.”

I looked at my daughter and said, “What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.”
My wife hasn’t asked me to do anything since.

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