UPJOKE

My Wife Told Me Jokes

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My wife told me women can multitask better than men.

I told her,”No they cant and I can prove it.”she said, “ OK prove it.”

I said,”Shut the fuck up and cook my breakfast.”

She couldn’t do either one.

My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men.

So I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

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My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation."

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive

I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

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My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!

Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit.

Me: Who?

Wife: My butt cheeks.

True story: My wife told me after our first kid

“I don’t think I’ll ever get down to my original weight.”

Me: “I’m glad you’re finally thinking straight, after all, 6 lbs 3 oz is just not realistic.”

She still doesn’t think it was funny years later.

My wife told me she's pregnant.

So I told her, "Hi pregnant, I'm dad."

My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection...

You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.”

Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

My wife told me that she would smash my face into the keyboard if I didn't stop being misogynist...

And that's when I let her know that I'm the Man of the House, the King of the Castle, the Lord of the Mancjkkf no jskslskf d j.lo alsjdj djdjslai48 err is shwks9ri3jekdo 3irbdjdibsks.

My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it

We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.

My wife told me she wanted to have a threesome with me and one of her female friends.

I told her that if I really wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd call my parents.

My wife told me she wanted a divorce for Valentine's Day

I told her I hadn't planned on spending that much.

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My wife told me I was too selfish in the bedroom

I almost choked on my own cock

my wife told me i ruined her birthday.

l don't know how i did it because i didn't even know it was her birthday.

My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.

Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore.

My wife told me I should stop drinking wood alcohol.

But I don't see the problem.

When my wife told me that the Prime Minister of Canada got re-elected, I thought she was lying.

It’s Trudeau.

Yesterday, my wife told me she has breast cancer

“Honey,” she said, “there’s a couple things I need to get off my chest.”

My wife told me over breakfast she dreamed I'd given her a diamond ring

"I wonder what it means," she said.

I smiled but said nothing and left for work.

That evening I brought her a small gift-wrapped package. Oh you should have seen how excited she was! Brought a tear to my eye.

She opened the present with trembling hands: a little book titled "How...

My wife told me to take off her shirt

I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt off. "Take off my shoes" I took off her shoes. "Now my stockings, bra, and panties!" I took all of them off. Then she looks at me and said, "I dont want to catch you wearing my things ever again!"

My wife told me we should split up because I keep pretending to be a detective

I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way

My wife told me she is so sick of my mansplaining, and if I don't stop she's going to throw me in a deep hole with water in it.

I know she means well.

My wife told me she'd slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.

Don't worry guys, i think she's jokinejkodoworkfjcjkskoe394oo2oc2i2fkf2uu3ug25r2u

My wife told me, “I think the kids are old enough. You should give them ‘the talk’ on drugs.”

Me: No problem, but I don’t make much sense when I’m high.

My wife told me to stop singing "I'm a believer" or she'd kill me. I thought she was joking...

...and then I saw her face...

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My wife told me to get dick pills

She told me to get those pills that make your dick standup.

Man was she surprised when I came back from the pharmacy with diet pills

Pls help, I'm locked out of my house

My wife told me a joke that I actually laughed at.

A women was in bed with her husbands best friend when suddenly the phone rings. She answered the phone and said to the person have a wonderful time and hung up. The man asks her who was it and she replied that it was her husband, he said that he was at a bar with you.

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The neighbor’s dog shit in our garden, so my wife told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence…

I don’t see what that solved.

Now we’ve got dog shit in our garden and the neighbors have our shovel…

While driving home from the store yesterday evening my wife told me she wants another baby.



I said, "That's wonderful! I don't really like this one either."

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side

So i crashed the car and then ignored her all day for no reason.

My wife told me that she was pregnant with twin girls.

I told her that I wanted to name the first one Kate. She asked what I wanted to name the second one. I answered Duplicate.

My wife told me she was interested in having a threesome.

And I get the house all to myself for the night!

When my wife told me to stop imitating flamingos,

I had to put my foot down

My wife told me she’s had it with me talking like I’m the editor of a clickbait news site.

You won’t believe what happened next.

my wife told me she would bang my head into my keyboard If I don't stop playing.

I think she was just nrftgiureenhubykgvybunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnbbhnjmk,m njkk,ml,mbuobkghljijnhb mblkbnb hhljnwoerboughfwbebrfhjtjhrbkbhjy y tn n66 nt t6nfm tykm knmtntmkcnk yn ynkmmnkyg

My wife told me to improve on my foreplay technique.

Needless to say, I went golfing straight away.

My wife told me I should look at things from her point of view.

So I stared out of the kitchen window.

My wife told me I should shave my beard.

A few months ago, I would have maybe agreed with her, but now it has really grown on me.

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My wife told me that she isn't very happy with our sex life.

A small part of me disagrees.

My wife told me she feels like she is losing her hair

I told her I had noticed but hadn’t wanted to say anything..

She asked me where had I noticed it?

I told her that her mustache seemed thinner…

My wife told me I have a terrible sense of direction

I said, “where did that come from?"

My wife told me that I should be more in touch with my feminine side…

…so I went out and wrecked the car…then I got mad at her for the way she looked at me, 4 years ago.

I was so excited when my wife told me she was pregnant..

It was a week later when my girlfriend told me she was pregnant where I began to stress

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My wife told me she's having an affair

I said "well, actually I am too."

She said "it's with your best friend, John"

"THAT SONOFABITCH IS CHEATING ON ME!?"

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My wife told me that she’s getting fed up of my boring facts.

“I find them very interesting,” I said.

“Well, who gives a flying fuck?” She said angrily.

“Dragonflies,” I replied.

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My wife told me that her vagina is a jurisdictional wetland

and now I have to buy a permit if I want to fill it.

My wife told me she has the body of a teenager

I guess she found out about me and the babysitter

My wife told me she was going to London and asked if I wanted a gift.

I replied: I would like a British girl.

She returned a month later and I asked her where my gift was.

She told me to wait nine months.

My wife told me, There's no such things as problems, just opportunities. "

That's great, I thought. Well, I have a serious drinking opportunity !!

My wife told me I'm a narcissist,

Which is odd, because I've never thought of myself that way.

My wife told me, “It’s over,” and started to walk out on me. I just sat there.

I love watching the end credits.

My wife told me last week that I needed to exercise more and do lunges.

But that’s a huge step forward.

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heehee my wife told me last night if I turned out the light I could put it in her butt….

I should have let the bulb cool down first.

My wife told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti.

>**You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.**

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My wife told me our sex life is like Usain bolt when he runs…

In the sense that I finish in 9.58 seconds

My wife told me that she wants a cracker.

My wife told me that she wants a cracker.

Of course, I'm just parrot phrasing her.

So today my wife told me “there would be no wars if women ruled the world.”

And I responded with “yeah that’s because war takes strategy and logic

In other words does anybody have an extra couch I can sleep on for the next year or two

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My wife told me to put olive oil on the shopping list.

Great idea, now it's fucking soaked.

My wife told me my drinking has been out of control lately.

I said "Honey, don't be dramatic. I don't even remember the last time I blacked out."

My wife told me she wants me to see other people

I told her not to worry, I drive with my eyes closed all the time

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NSFW in an attempt to help me cut down on masturbation, my wife told me I have to do a chore around the house Everytime I masturbate.

Let's just say the neighbors were not amused at me trying to mow the lawn with one hand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife told me "My gynecologist says I can't have sex for two weeks"

I said "And what did your proctologist say?"

My wife told me I have a bad temper, so I flushed a GPS tracker down the toilet.

That way I'd never lose my sh*t again.

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My wife told me I had a small penis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.

"There isn't a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing." She said.

I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.

My wife told me, “Every day, you should do at least 20 sit-ups.”

I said, “That sounds like physical ab use.”

My wife told me she wanted me to treat her like a queen.

So I had her executed with the guillotine for betraying the revolution and promoting undemocratic, outdated ideas.

Long live the republic!

My wife told me she's loving me

because I don't listen to her properly!

My wife told me a joke today.........

Man on his deathbed, wife by his side holding his hand

"wife" says the man "I have to tell you something."

"hush" says the wife "whatever it is I don't care, just close you eyes and go to sleep"

"but wife I really must get it off my chest"

"Whatever it is doesn't matter n...

My wife told me to stop quoting Backstreet Boys in normal conversations

"Tell me why", I replied

My wife told me to stop teasing our neighbor about his infertility after he threatened me with gun.

But I'm not scared because he's shooting blanks.

My wife told me robots don't wash themselves.

So I put one in the bath and said "that'll shower"

My wife told me she is a poll worker.

I’m just surprised they pay her in all singles.

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My wife told me to stop smoking weed on the toilet.

I just do it for the shits and giggles.

As I was watering the plants, my wife told me

"After you are done watering the plants, we need to talk about what I saw on your phone".

It's been 4 days, and I'm still watering the plants.

My wife told me I planted the wrong flowers.

oopsie daisy

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