UPJOKE

My Wife Asked Me Jokes

My wife asked me what "mansplaining" means

...now what am I supposed to do?

My wife asked me "do I look fat in these jeans?"

I said "promise not to be mad whatever I say?"

She replied "yes of course!"

I said "I banged your sister".

My wife asked me what would I do if she was choking...

I told her I would back up two inches...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me what my favourite part of a blow job is.

I should not have said the 5 minutes of peace and quiet.

My wife asked me "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?"

So I brought her to a Wayans brothers movie, snuck in some vodka in a water bottle and asked her for a handy in the back row

My Wife asked me "Which of my friends would you have a 3some with?"

Apparently naming 2 of them wasn't the correct answer!

My wife asked me to stop acting like a flamingo

I had to put my foot down.

My wife asked me for peace and quiet while she made dinner.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke detector.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me why I always haggle with the cute lady at the farmers market.

I said "Because I lover her melons and I always want to dicker!"

My wife asked me to stop with the corny dad jokes

I said I was going to do a chemistry joke next, but now I'm afraid of the reaction.

My wife asked me which one of her friends would I fancy for a threesome

Turns out I should have stopped at one....

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my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.

I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.

My wife asked me why I spoke so softly in the house.

I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed.

I laughed.

Alexa laughed.

Siri laughed.

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list...

_...Now I can't read anything!_

My wife asked me, “Which one of my two quilts you like better?”

I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”

My wife asked me if I’ve seen the dog bowl…

I told her I didn’t know it did.

My wife asked me how I manage to always eat so quickly...

It's because I always take seconds.

My wife asked me today why I always look at her funny

I told her it was her fault for marrying someone so funny lookin.

My wife asked me why hot air balloon rides are so expensive.

I said "inflation".

My wife asked me for my undivided attention.

So I gave her 0 attention.

My wife asked me to get out of the house because I can’t stop singing Christmas songs.

I said, “But Baby, it’s cold outside.”

My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange for movie night, but I said no.

I had Stranger Things to watch.

My wife asked me to get things to make her beautiful for Christmas

So I bought myself bourbon

My wife asked me if she looked fat in her new dress.

I told her: "You look like a beautiful shining star"
She replied: "Awhh..."

But then I added: "A neutron star" and she slapped me.
I was hoping she was too dense to understand the joke.

My wife asked me what that pile of clothes was doing on the floor

I told her it must be a dead Jedi.

She was not amused.

My wife asked me which of her friends I would like to have a threesome with.

Apparently I’m not supposed to pick two of them.

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My wife asked me to get a Vladimir Putin tattoo.

When I got home she asked me about it excitedly.

I pulled down my trousers and showed her my crotch, where the word "Gigawatt" had been tattooed on my penis.

"What the fuck is that?" she yelled.

I said, "It's a prick with too much power."

My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that...

I had picked 7 up!

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My wife asked me to go out and buy something that makes her look sexy.

She wasn't very pleased when I came home with a bottle of Vodka.

My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried ?

Apparently 'balls deep' in your sister wasn't the answer she was expecting.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn’t talking to me.

My wife asked me where I come up with my jokes ...

I told her I Reddit somewhere online ...

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My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

I said, “Yes, but I was part of the control group.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me to list my sexual partners, in order.

I guess I should have stopped at her name.

This morning I screwed huge up when my wife asked me if I'd remarry if she died.

"What a question!" I replied, "Why are you talking about dying on such a beautiful day?"
"But really though, would you get married again?" she said.
"Maybe, I don't know, maybe yes," I replied.
"Hmmm," she said, "Would you sell our house?"
"No," I replied wondering what had broug...

My wife asked me if I learned anything at my first Improv lesson.

I said no.

My wife asked me to get more in touch with my feminine side.

So I wrecked the car.

My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...

So I told her she was the only one I had been with!

The others were all eights and nines.

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

Told her it's because I can't stand doing it.

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house...

I told her, "Fear of the CIA".

She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo

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My wife asked me if I had heard that female dolphins have clitorises that are very similar to humans.

I asked her why she was telling me this.

She replied, "Do you think God did that on porpoise?"

My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house.

And I answered, because of the decepticons!

She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.

It was a good time.

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Edit: Thank you all for the upvotes and yes, this is a adaption to an old joke, i thought it was fitting regarding todays article about Alexa "laug...

My wife asked me to stop singing “I’m a believer”

by the Monkees because she found it annoying.

At first I thought she was kidding.

But then I saw her face…

My wife asked me why I was yelling at the pot of water on the stove.

I said, water boils ~~faster~~ hotter under pressure.

My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.

So I punched him & stole his lunch money.

My wife asked me to name Meatloaf’s top 3 songs… I named “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” and “I’d do anything for love”… but then couldn’t come up with another one.

But hey, two out of three ain’t bad.

My wife asked me, “Hey, can you give examples of jobs that don’t exist anymore?”

I said, “Steve.”

My wife asked me for a divorce today, citing that I was too "un-American".

I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me

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My wife asked me if I'd ever pissed in the shower. I said 'Yes but both times were an accident.

My Wife responded 'What!? How can you piss in the shower by accident? Twice!?'

And I said 'Well these things happen when you're taking a shit'.

My wife asked me in the morning from the kitchen

"Do you feel a pain like a voodoo curse?"
No, I said.
After 5 minutes silence:
"What about now?"

My wife asked me to wake her up with a facial tomorrow morning

7 a.m. on the nose.

My wife asked me if "I was listening to her?!"

Strange way to start a conversation....

My wife asked me if I'd like to spend the evening at home or go play a game of bowling.

So I told her that putting my fingers in sweaty holes where everybody had been before wasn't what I had in mind for tonight. And we went play some bowling.

My wife asked me if I wanted to go bowling or if we would stay home tomorrow.

I replied; “I don’t feel like shoving my fingers in some holes where a bunch of weirdos have been inside before me. So let’s go bowling”

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My wife asked me if I’ve ever peed in the shower.

Me: Yes, twice, accidentally.

Wife: How do you accidentally pee in the shower?

Me: Well, sometimes I pee while I’m pooping.

My wife asked me who my favourite child is.

I know now that Grogu is not an acceptable response.

My wife asked me if I thought our kids are spoiled

I told her, "no, I think all kids smell like that."

My wife asked me to take out the trash

I spend few hours drinking with the trash, nice guy to hang out with.

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My wife asked me to stop buying stupid shit online.

So I shipped her back to Russia.

My wife asked me if I wanted kids...

I told her, no, but I wouldn't mind playing with the box they came in.

My wife asked me, “Don’t you find it strange how little people change?”

I said, “I think the process is the same, except for their tiny clothes.”

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My wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday...

I said, "Aw, I don't need presents, I just want a nice, relaxing massage and some of that great sex we used to have."
Anyway guys, it worked, she is buying me so much stuff.

My wife asked me to pick up some of those pills that help with getting an erection.

So I brought her home diet pills.

My wife asked me to get her something that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds for her birthday.

So I got her a bathroom scale.

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My wife asked me, "Is having a penis fun?"

I said, "It has it's ups and downs."

A few years ago my wife asked me if I'd seen the news story about a Moose walking into a lobby in Alaska. It sounded so much the first line of a joke that I figured I had to come up with something...

A moose walks into a hotel lobby in Alaska and starts eating the plants.

The hotel manager comes over and says, "Juneau, it's illegal to eat the foliage, don't you?"

The Moose looks at him calmly, still chewing, and says, "Nome, Nome, Nome."

My wife asked me if I was together with my mother on her deathbed?

I answered: Of course, who did you think held the pillow?

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My wife asked me if I want a handjob or regular sex

I : handjob definitely .

She(*surprised*) : why is that?

I : because one in the hand is worth two in the bush

My wife asked me what I wanted for my 50th birthday.

"Honey, what I want money cannot buy"

With a wink in her eye, she asked, "oh, what is it then?"

A PS5

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Our neighbour's dog crapped in our garden, so my wife asked me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

I don't know what that solved. We still have dog shit in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

My wife asked me why she can remember all the important dates in our lives yet I cannot.

I replied that an elephant never forgets.

My wife asked me why Russia has paid family leave while the US does not...

I explained that in Russia life is hard and adults need to be incentivized to produce more kids.

But in America, if we want more kids, we just have to let some immigrants out of their cages. Much cheaper.

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My wife asked me whats her clitoris taste like

I said its a hard question, cant really put my finger on it

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My wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday.

Her: I want to give you the perfect gift.

Me: So what makes the perfect gift?

Her: It's something you really want, but you would never give to yourself.

Me: Great! How about a blow job?

My wife asked me what time my dentist appointment is

“Tooth hurty”

My wife asked me if she’s the only one I’ve been with...

I said yes, all the others were 9s and 10s.

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My wife asked me to suggest a new password for her account. I said “How about ‘MY WILLY’ “...

“It’s not long enough” she responded

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.

I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

I bought a cow shaped lamp for the bedroom, my wife asked me what for?

I said its for mood lighting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last time my wife asked me if she looked fat, ...

I sighed and said, "Honey, if I tell you the truth, do you promise not to be mad?" She rolled her eyes, but agreed. So I said, "I've been fucking your sister."

My wife asked me to sync her phone

so I threw it into the ocean.

I don't know why she's mad at me.

My wife asked me to go to yoga class with her

I said Namaste here

My wife asked me how Wonder Woman got her new sword in the Justice League movie...

I told her that she must have Amazon Prime

My wife asked me why I never go to Confession.

I told her I just clear my browser history when I want to wash away my sins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me if I had ever peed in the shower...

I said, "Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally."
She said, "That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!"
"Hey," I said, "these things happen when you're having a shit."

My wife asked me how long our Indian food order would take.

I said, "How am I samosa know?"

After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table...

I needed a running start, but I did it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me if I ever peed while in shower.

I said yes, few times, accidently... She said that's so gross and asked wtf does accidently means? I said well that's the way it goes when taking a shit sometimes.

My wife asked me why I’m always on the boat and I don’t spend time with her?

I told her she may be old but she is always wet and ready to go. And if anything goes wrong I can get rid of her for a new one. Lastly, if we get crabs together it’s a good thing.

My wife asked me if I like to recycle...

"Well yeah of course. It's the only way I can get Karma!"

My wife asked me why am I always looking at other married women

I said: honey, they always say there is plenty of fish in the sea, so I am checking who else caught a shark

My wife asked me if I wanted to go see a movie with her the other day.

My wife asked me if I wanted to go see a movie with her the other day. When I asked her which one she suggested "The Invisible Man."

I told her I didn't think we could see that.

(True story...hope no one beat me to the joke on here)

My wife asked me to pick the music for her mother's funeral.

Apparently Ding-Dong! The Witch Is Dead was not the appropriate song.

Last September my wife asked me to put a load in the dishwasher.

So long story short, happy fathers day to me.

My wife asked me for a divorce for Valentine’s Day

I told her I wasn’t planning on spending that much.

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”

My wife asked me how I was going to feel when our son started dating...

Apparently jealous was not the right answer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me to make love to her like they do in the movies.

So I stuck it up her arse and then came on her face while shouting "TAKE THAT, BITCH!".

From the look on her face I'd hazard a guess that we don't watch the same films.

Last night, in bed, my wife asked me to put fresh fish and herbs on her.

I said, "There's a thyme and a plaice for that sort of thing."

my wife asked me why i always type using lower case letters.

i said i stopped giving a shift.

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