UPJOKE

My Grandpa Jokes

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My grandpa told his grandson “all you kids do nowadays is play video games”

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa’s favorite joke when I was growing up: “Wanna hear a dirty joke?”

-A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

Edit: thank you for my first silver and gold

Edit 2: I really only expected maybe 1 comment, lol. This really kinda...

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I will never forget my grandpa’s last words

He said, “quit shakin the ladder you little shit!”

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60...

Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I asked my grandpa: “ after 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What’s the secret?”

Grandpa: “I forgot her name five years ago and I’m scared to ask her."

Not NSFW: When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa...

When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally took a misstep and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried.I'd always heard adults talk about i...

My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.

Do you know the last thing my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket?

“How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.

When he found out he was madder than hell.

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

*Thanks for my first gold kind stranger! But please consider donating to your local food bank or another worthy cause instead of rewarding this stupid joke that was (according to sources) reposted.

My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.

He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe

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Man, I still remember my grandpa's last words...

"Stop playing with that shotgun you little fucking cunt."

My Grandpa has acquired a trick for meeting new people

He's got Alzheimer's

When my grandpa died he farted and we thought he was still alive...

...turns out, he just let one R.I.P.

After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma "honey", "sweetie", "baby", and "sugar". I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.

He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."

My grandpa told me this one.

So an older couple is discussing the inevitable matter of death. The wife asks her husband, "If I die before you do, will you remarry?" To which the husband replies, "Well, I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life, so yes." The wife then asks, "What about the house? Will you live in the...

I saw a little boy at the bus stop eating a giant chocolate Easter bunny. I said, "Hey kid, eating that much chocolate at one time is bad for you." He looked me in the eye and said, "Well, my grandpa lived to 103."

"Oh, really? Did *he* eat a lot of chocolate?"

"No, he minded his own damn business."

**Edit:** Credit where due -- [/u/samvet21 informs me](/r/Jokes/comments/8cnjvk/i_saw_a_little_boy_at_the_bus_stop_eating_a_giant/dxhf9ku/) that the original joke was by Philadelphia comedian [Todd Gl...

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A joke my Grandpa told me the other day...

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jok...

My grandpa always says, “When one door closes, another opens.”

He was a good man, but a lousy cabinet maker.

My grandpa used to sprinkle a tablespoon of gunpowder on his eggs every morning.

Said it gave him energy through the day. When he died at the ripe old age of 96, he left behind a grieving wife, 6 children, 14 grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren and a 25 foot hole in the side of the crematorium.

I took my grandpa to one of those places where the fish eat dead skin.

It cost me $50, but it was a hell of a lot cheaper than a funeral.

On her death bed, the last words that my grandma told my grandpa was, “Honey, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, he’s been kicking puppies and robbing stores every day.

My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!"

I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

Shoutout to my grandpa

That's the only way he can hear

Went golfing with my Grandpa yesterday..

We were on the 12th hole and I hit my tee shot a bit to the left. When we got to my ball there was a big 40ft tree right in my way and I was just going to hit around it when my grandpa chimed in:

"Ya know, when I was your age I could hit it right up and over that tree"

Well not to be ...

My grandpa died yesterday. Here's one of my favorite jokes he told. What are your favorite grandpa jokes?

Old Ms.Robinson went out into her backyard to do some gardening when she heard some noise coming from the yard next door. She peered over the fence and saw that her neighbour's little daughter was digging a hole. "Sally what are you doing with that shovel?" asked Ms.Robinson. "My goldfish died, s...

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink…

No one listened, but he kept warning them until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the cinema.

I made a little sandcastle with my grandpa.

Now I'm banned from the crematorium.

A joke as told by my grandpa, circa 1985. He was about 75 at the time and his dad taught this to him: Two brick layers were building a wall when they came up a brick short

Get it? A brick short!

Ok ok, most people don't get that joke. Here's a bonus joke:

A man and woman are sitting on a trolley car, she has an annoying yappy dog and he's smoking a cigar.

"Can you put out that nasty cigar?!"

"Can you make that rat shut up?"

The old ...

Do you know what my grandpa told me?

That he saw the Titanic and from the beginning,he warned all the people that the ship would sink but nobody listened to him.

He was a brave man. He did not give up. He warned them again and again on several occasions…>!until they kicked him out of the cinema.!<

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My Grandpa recently had to start using Viagra

Grandma took it pretty hard

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My grandpa told me he likes his men like he likes his coffee

With milk and not in his butt

My grandpa once told me he dated Marie Curie.

He was attracted to her glowing spirit and radiant personality.

Sadly, their relationship became toxic.

My grandpa never laughs at my erection jokes.

I guess he doesn't get them.

My grandpa has a heart of a lion....

And a lifetime ban of the zoo!

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My Grandpa once told me an old story about a shrimp who grew a penis

It was a classic prawn cock tale

My grandpa (age 92) told me this joke.

"I'm getting so old that I can't remember what I had for breakfast this morning... And I have oatmeal every morning."

My grandpa's so cheap...

When he dies, he'll probably walk towards the light - and turn it off.

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My Grandpa avoided orgasms his entire life!

No one could even cum close to him.

My grandpa went into the bathroom to brush his teeth. He came back immediately.

He forgot his teeth.

My grandpa went to Vietnam and he shot and killed dozens of North Vietnamese singlehandedly.

We are going on vacation somewhere else next year.

My grandpa's favorite joke

Two guys are driving from Kansas to Maine and they drive by a sign for Worcester, MA. They both look at eachother and say, 'how the hell do you pronounce that?" The driver says "War-chester", the passanger says, "Nah, its gotta be "wir-ster". They argue a bit and decide that the only way to know for...

My grandpa told me this one!

One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the class of five-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who the most famous man who ever lived was."

An Irish boy raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."...

I asked my grandpa why it takes him so long to pee. He said

The stream is buffering.

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My grandpa told me this joke

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7x9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9x7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "

"What is the difference?" asks the father...

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My Grandpa's favorite "dumb blonde" joke.

A blonde is on an airplane to Chicago and gets up from her seat in coach and goes into the first class cabin and sits down.

The flight attendant goes up to the blonde and politely tells her that she does not have a first class ticket and must go back to coach. The blonde refuses and says , "...

I’m taller than my grandpa

I’m 5.3 ft and he’s -6 ft

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During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.

He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.

My grandpa died from a heart attack over the summer and I feel at least partially responsible.



He was having trouble navigating Amazon because they have so many different things available. I suggested that when he wants to buy something he should look for a more focused website so it's easier to find things.

But if it wasn't for me, during the heatwave back in August he never ...

[An Old Joke from my Grandpa] An Indian Archeologist goes China to meet his Archeologist friend.

Chinese man takes him to his working site, After digging for a while they found some electrical wires buried underground.

Chinese Guy: (to the Indian guy) Look, these wires look ancient, Unlike you Indians, we Chinese were so advanced back then that we used electrical technologies.

Ind...

My grandpa’s last words before he died was “Pints! Gallons! Litres!”

That spoke volumes.

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My grandpa took Viagra every single day until the day it killed him.

I guess old habits die hard.

My favorite childhood memory was building sand castles with my grandpa.

Then my mom hid the urn from me.

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Found out my grandpa is taking viagra

No one is taking it harder than grandma

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my grandpa tells us about his good old days in Hong Kong

He said, "when I was your age, I can go into the groceries with 10 dollars, and come out with 2 loaves of bread, 2 dozen of eggs, 2 kilos of potatoes, maybe a few cans of soda, plus handful of candies and probably some beef jerky."

We were like, "omg!!! That's a lot!! 10 dollars now can only ...

My grandpa would always tell me girls have two knees but guys have three

You have your left knee, right knee, and your WEEknee

My grandpa was telling me about when he used to hunt tigers.

He said, "this one time I was alone in the jungle when out of the bushes, right in front of me, a huge tiger leaped out suddenly and went RRROOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!! Kid, you won't believe it, I shat myself."

I raised my eyebrows. "You bet I believe it, I'd have shat myself too if that happened...

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I will never forget what my grandpa told me right before he died

"Are you still holding the fucking ladder?"

The IRS decided to audit my Grandpa...

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a grea...

my grandpa was taking his dog to the vet.

Vet told him the dog was getting old. Then when asked how he felt about euthanasia my grandma simply replied “hard working bunch there”

My grandpa always said "Shoot for the stars"...

...too bad he's in jail now for trying to shoot Justin Bieber

One of my grandpa's better jokes

An old man is walking along the beach one day when suddenly God appears and says to the man, "You know, you've been a good man and faithful to me all your life. I'm going to grant you one wish. What would you like?"

The man thought about it and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive t...

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my Grandpa did.

Not screaming in terror, like the passengers on his bus.

When I was young I was pretty curious. I used to go to my grandpa with my questions....

Me: Grandpa, why does is it rain ?

Grandpa: Son, sometimes mama earth feels thirsty.

Me: Also why do animals die ?

Grandpa: Sometimes mama feels hungry too, bud. I think thats it for today?

Me: One more, grandpa! Why do forest fires occur? I learned about them in school t...

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Though he passed away decades ago, I really think my grandpa would have supported LGBTQ+ marriage in all of its forms.

His motto was "Fuck everyone.".

My grandpa was very competitive...

My grandpa was so competitive with me and would always try to win any game we played. Baseball. Soccer. Even who could eat the most corn dogs.

But I’ll never forget his last words to me as he was about to pass away, he look at me wide eyes and with his last breath he said…

…”staring c...

Told my Grandpa’s favorite joke at his funeral and it helped cheer some sad eyes..... What happened when the parsley workers went on strike?

Their wages were garnished.

My grandpa knew the Titanic was going to sink. He said it loudly countless times...

Then he got kicked out of the theater.

My Grandpa told me this one

A lady has been sitting at the bar all night pounding down drinks and she's completely hammered. She's so drunk that she can barely talk, but she's trying to converse with the bartender anyways.

"You know, I really like these martoonis," she slurs, "but I don't like the cherries in them, t...

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A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits.

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The funniest thing my grandpa ever said

I was visiting my grandparents a couple years back and my grandma brought up that the PA at the local clinic, an attractive 30-something year-old woman, was moving out of town. My grandpa piped up with "Yeah, I'm gonna miss her. Do you know how hard it is for a man my age to get a 33 year old woma...

Soviet joke my grandpa told me

Brezhnev is showing his mother how well he has done. He shows her his suite in the Kremlin, his country house with a fully stocked kitchen, his Black Sea villa, his limousine. She says: ‘This is all really nice...but what will you do if the Bolsheviks come back?’

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I was watching porn on the computer, when my grandpa suddenly walked in.

Weird way to finally find out what he did for a living.

Joke my grandpa told me.

So a guy walks into a bar and asks the bar tender for three shots. The bar tender asks why 3? The guys says he has 2 brothers. one who lives in England, one who lives in Scotland. He says he has a shot for all 3 of them, so it feels like he’s with the. The bartender give the guy his three shots. The...

My grandpa was the wisest and once told me that when you do what you love you never work a day in your life and he is so right!!!

I love drugs!

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My grandpa always told us the story about how he made a dozen German troops shit themselves in WWII.

He was probably the worst cook the Reich had.

You know if my grandpa fought harder

All these jokes would be in German.

My grandpa died because we did not know his blood type

I will never forget his last words ...

“Be positive”

Jokes my grandpa told me when I was a kid.

A man goes duck hunting and spends two days without seeing a duck. On the third day he finally sees one and shoots it. The duck wounded tries to fly away. It lands in a farmer's yard, hits the barn roof, and falls off.
The hunter tries to sneak over the fence. As he gets close to the duck, he se...

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My grandpa likes to boast that his bodily functions are like clockwork

Now he wasn't always like this so he's been taking extra pride in it:

"everyday I go to sleep at 21 o'clock.then at 5:30 a.m. I take a piss.At 5:45 I have a shit,and at 6 a.m. sharp I wake up."

I asked my Grandpa for twenty dollars

"Twenty dollars? What for?"

I told him I needed Groceries.

Grandpa said " When I was a boy my mom would give me one dollar. I would ride my bike to the grocers and come back with a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon, two sacks of potatos, a jug of milk, a tin of coffee, and two loaves of bre...

Today my Grandpa told me he was working on his second million

He said he was too tired, and there was no way he was going to make the first, so he was starting fresh

My grandpa would always tell me...

that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras.

My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.

We still don't know to whom that leg belonged.

My grandpa told me to not go to the brothel down the road

He said I'd see things that I shouldn't see.

And?

Well, I went.

And what did you see?

Grandpa.

So my grandpa told me a story...

He told me that back in his day, he would walk into the store with a nickel, and come out with 4 cans of soda, 2 king sized candy bars, and a pack of gum.

But today there are too many damn cameras!

Were my Grandpa alive today

He would probably suffocate in his coffin.

My grandpa used to always say...

“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach a man to fish and he stops bothering you to give him more fish”

A joke my grandpa told me, hope you like it!

Today is Billy’s 8th birthday. To celebrate, he and his dad went to McDonalds for dinner. When they arrived, they waited in line behind a large, fat man.
Billy, not being knowledgeable about social norms, says to his dad, “Look daddy! That man’s sooooo fat! Look at him!”
Billy’s dad tells him ...

A classic by my grandpa.

It was funnier because he spoke broken English and cracked himself up every time.

Two Czechoslovakian friends were visiting the zoo. One leaned over the edge of the polar bear pit and fell in. He was quickly gobbled up. The zoo keeper came over mortified and asked the crowd what happened. On...

Wow I'm shocked for the first time my grandpa voted Democrat!

He never would have done that when he was alive!

My grandpa told me this one

Where do pirates get there hooks from...

The second hand store

My grandpa isn't very computer savvy

So my Grandpa (72) got on the internet only recently and is still very unsure about how to use it. A month or so ago I taught him how to use email, to his amazement.
I also showed him how web browsing works and showed him how to put questions into Google search.
Yesterday he was planning t...

My grandpa always told me that statistics are like skirts

They show some stuff that you are interested in but not the actual thing

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I hate myself for laughing, but a joke my grandpa told me..

What do you call 5 black people having sex?


A Three some.

Got this from my grandpa.

What is the similarity between 2 clocks and 2 women?

Ans:
They never agree.

A joke my grandpa told me

I was in the army a few years ago i was walking by the medical tent when this guy said he got hi toes blown off by a mine and asked if i wanted to see them i agreed. He took off his boot and i puked everywhere he said what's wrong boy you lack toes intolerant

My Grandpa seemed distraught after losing his watch at the Nursing Home.

I said, Grandpa, what will you do.......He gave me a wink and said.....I will search every Nook and Granny

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I’ll never forget my grandpas last words...

“Quit messing around with my life support cord you twat”

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One of my Grandpa's favorites: The Nazi POW Camp

In the middle of WWII, some British soldiers were captured by the Germans and taken to a POW camp. They were to be put to work on either the day shift or the night shift, round the clock so the work would never cease.

"Ve vill count off by twos," said the camp warden, "but you British pig-do...

Before my Grandpa moved, he was the happiest man alive.

Now he lives in Missouri...

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Even after my grandpa died 4 years ago, I still remember his final words

"STOP SHAKING THE LADDER YOU LITTLE CUNT!!! "

My Grandpa died last week,because we couldn’t figure out what was his blood type.

But he was strong man,who never gave up and he kept telling us to be positive till the last moment.

My grandpa is 95 years old, and he doesn't even use glasses.

He drinks straight from the bottle.

My grandpa survived both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings.

Being in Australia helped.

My grandpa hated people with less than 5 toes on each foot

He was lactose intolerant

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