UPJOKE

My Girl Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."

Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

I like my girls how I like my Covid.

19 and easily spread.

My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!".

Always Tolkien in her sleep...

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My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing.

Apparently,
"Heating your dinner"
wasn't a good answer.

I like my girls like my file system...

FAT and 16.

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A son ask his dad "Dad, how can I take the next step with my girl? We kissed and all, but I don't know how to proceed... "

His dad answers "Listen to me son, do what I did with your mother. I treated her to a romantic dinner, took her home and brought her to her room. We're there, I look at her, and she looks at me. I look at her she looks at me, I look at her she looks at me, I move her panties away and put it in! " ...

I took my girl to starbucks..

Cause i forgot her name

My girl friend broke up with me because I listen to linkin park all the time.

But in the end, It doesn't even matter.

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My girl said for every upvote this gets I get one thrust for anal

Please do not upvote, her strap-on looks really big.....

I don't know why I broke up with my girl at the gym...

I guess we just weren't working out.

My girl said her safe word

My girl said her safe word is “Meatloaf” because she would do anything for love but she won’t do that.

My girl is so smart!

My girlfriend is so smart. I called her from my friends phone and she said "what's up honey?". She already knew I was on the other side of the line ;)

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

I like my girls how I like my milk

White, spoiled, and chunky

I check my girl’s phone every day

I have to make sure she’s not talking to Pete Davidson

My Girl and I always fight when she's on her period

It's a vicious cycle.

My girl left me for a Hindu guy.

It's okay thought, he'll treat her better. They worship cows.

I love volcanoes. My girl doesn't.

Don't know if I lava anymore.

My girl said she had enough of my mansplaining. She said the next time I do it, she'll throw me into a deep hole filled with water

I know she means well.

My girl left me to become an astronaut.

She said she needed some space.

Joseph stole my girl...

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but...

I just broke up with my girl friend, I caught her lying…

under another man.

I like my girls how I like my voter turnout

High.


Go vote

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My girl friend is a sex object.

When I ask for sex, she objects.

My girl asked me to make her wet

I broke up with her and her eyes became wet. I don't understand why she's mad now

My girl friend changed ever since she became vegan.

It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.

The only time my girl friend will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER"...

...is when they are lowering my casket into the ground!

My girl is so insecure...

Even though she doesn't find any hair on my clothes she still be like "Who's the bald chick?!".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I ask my girl to have her lighter

She said babe you know I don't smoke I said I know but you eat fucking plenty

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girl just pulled this one on me:

Her: “Do I call you handsome a lot?”

Me: “No, why?”

Her: “How many times do I have to say it before you handsome dick over?”

I like my girls how I like my coffee

Just kidding, I don’t like coffee, I’d rather have tea bags

I told my girl I love you.

She said I love U2. That was kind of depressing. She's talking about music at this vulnerable moment. So I broke up with her.

My girl says, “everyone ignores me.”

I say nothing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like my girls the way I like my Whiskey.

Eighteen years old, moist and preferably in a basement.

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town...

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager: 'Go upto the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the differ...

A lot of things have changed since I got my girl pregnant.

My address, my phone number, my name, etc.

My girl's asinine.

But her face's ten.

I Nutted in my girls braces

And now my kids are behind bars

Told my girl she was a trophy

A catastrophy

My girlfriend said I treat her like a little girl.

So, I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.

My girlfriend isn't like other girls

She is actually willing to sleep with me.

My girl has legs that just won't quit.

Damn that Restless Leg Syndrome.

My Girl Proposed to me

She proposed the idea that it’s better for us not to see each other anymore...

I like my girls like I like my gravy

Brown and all over my meat.


(P.S. I can't remember if this is a joke I made up or a joke I heard somewhere else, if anyone has heard it elsewhere could you tell me.)

I like my girls like I like my coffee...

Ground into little pieces and burned at high temperature.

So I caught my girl cheating again

This time I caught her doing it with my Dad and before that my brother like seriously. So I was wondering if anyone know how I can tell her I just want to be cousins.

I like my girls like I like my tea...

Hot, brown, and imported from India.

Think Mayweather/Mcgregor is going to be the biggest fight of the year?

Just wait until my girl finds out I paid $100 to see it.

I like my girl like my noodles...

wiggly when I eat them

hot and ready in 2 mins

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