UPJOKE

My Girlfriend Left Me Jokes

My girlfriend left me because of my abandonment issues...

Oh wait. She's back. She just went to get some milk.

My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD.

I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

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My girlfriend left me because she didn’t like that I had a name for my penis

I guess I’ll have to take Matters into my own hands

My girlfriend left me because of my “unhealthy obsession” with USSR memorabilia...

She said there were too many red flags!

My girlfriend left me because of what she described as my "weird pasta fetish"

Now I'm feeling cannalonli

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I think my girlfriend left me because of my small dick.

She said she just wasn’t feeling it.

My girlfriend left me because I kept pretending to be a transformer

I said "No, wait! I can change!"

My girlfriend left me because of my terrible Arnie impersonations.

But she'll return.

I got frostbite and had part of my foot amputated. Then my girlfriend left me.

She was lack-toes intolerant.

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My girlfriend left me and told me I have a tiny penis...

Oh well, I was never that much into her anyway...

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My girlfriend left me today

She said I was too kinky in the bedroom. I nearly choked on her shit when she told me

My girlfriend left me....

she said she was sick of my tree puns
what a beech

My girlfriend left me because of my Linkin Park obsession

But in the end it doesn't even matter

My girlfriend left me because I’m too insecure and paranoid.

Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.

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My girlfriend left me because she has a foot fetish.

My dick is only 11 inches.

My girlfriend left me because I apparently never listen...

She could have had the courtesy to tell me.

My girlfriend left me because I'm outdated.

Now I'm listening to the cassette tape I made for her while crying into my typewriter.

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My girlfriend left me

I came home to find her packing her things. "I just found out you're a pedophile", she explained.

So I said, "That's a pretty big word for a twelve year old".

My girlfriend left me 6 weeks ago because she thinks I'm immature. Now I'm all alone on Christmas day and crying my eyes out

because Santa didn't come.

My girlfriend left me because I have narcolepsy.

I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.

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When my girlfriend left me, she told me she faked everyone of her orgasms.

What’s worse is, she was a squirter.

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with the band Garbage.

Stupid Girl.

My girlfriend left me because I'm not observant enough.

I never even knew I had a girlfriend.

My girlfriend left me bacause all I do is talk about football.

Im so sad, we were together for 3 seasons.

My girlfriend left me because I’m a big Star Wars fan

Looks like tonight I’ll be Han Solo.

My girlfriend left me and became a motorcycle enthusiast

I guess she prefers two strokes to one stroke

My girlfriend left me...

So now I'm left alone with my wife and two kids.

My girlfriend left me for telling too many bad jokes...

I guess her love was pun-conditional.

My girlfriend left me for being overly dramatic

Dun dun DUUUNNNN

My girlfriend left me because I'm too laid back.

Well, I think she left me. Haven't seen her in like a month.

My girlfriend left me after I became blind

I cannot see her anymore...

My girlfriend left me today because I quit taking her to seafood restaurants.

Turns out she was only with me because of my mussels.

Unfortunately my girlfriend left me recently because of my obsession with The Monkees. I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face...

My girlfriend left me the other day

Apparently, 'both' isn't the right answer when she asks me 'do you think I'm pretty or ugly'..

My girlfriend left me because I'm balding.

I almost pulled my hair out.

My girlfriend left me because she said I talk about video games too much....

I told her that's a dumb reason to Fallout 4.

I work at an IT company, and today my girlfriend left me

I used to have a girlfriend but she ransomware, so I wannacry

My girlfriend left me because I'm 'out of touch'... whatever that means.

She's yet to reply to my apologetic MSN messages.

My girlfriend left me because of my love of noodles.

I'd best spaghetti on with my life

My girlfriend left me today because I have developed a pasta touching fetish.

I've been feeling Canneloni ever since. :'(

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My girlfriend left me because of my performance anxiety.

I'd always shit myself before we went on a date.

My girlfriend left me because of my low self esteem

I probably deserved it, though

My girlfriend left me because she's fed up of me referencing the The Big Lebowski all the time

She's entering a world of pain!

My girlfriend left me because of her strong beliefs...

She strongly believed I had money.

My girlfriend left me today to be with someone who was a dwarf. I'm heartbroken.

I didn't know she could stoop so low...

My girlfriend left me after I said she reminded me of our dessert, a baked Alaska.

Fire hot on the outside, but ice cold on the inside. I should have just said sweet.

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My girlfriend left me because of my premature ejaculation problem. Well, you know what they say...

Easy come, easy go

My girlfriend left me because I got a job as a parking warden.

Fine.

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Sometimes I wonder if my girlfriend left me because I couldn't satisfy her sexually.

A little part of me says yes.

My girlfriend left me when I refused to go the gym with her.

It's a shame our relationship didn't work out.

My girlfriend left me because she said I focus too much on growing and giving away herbs for really low prices

Now I don't know what to do with all this free thyme on my hands

Two blind guys chat

– You know, my girlfriend left me for a sighted guy!

– Well, you should've see it coming.

Gf left me

My girlfriend left me because I have Alopecia.......

Nevermind, Hair loss

Bad performance

Boss: were going to have to let you go.

Me: why?

Boss: your performance has been lacking.

Me: same reason my girlfriend left me.

I wish this was a joke.

A joke my friend told me

3 men hung out in a bar, and got extremely drunk. The next day, they got together again and complained about what happened to them when they went home.
The first man said “I got home and blew chunks all night!”
The second man said “You think that’s bad? I got home and my wife made me sle...

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Some tidbits for your pleasure

I'm wearing the boxers with the little hearts all over them tonight....
It's probably not a good night to go to jail.

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

Probably should not have driven home from the bar last night.. especially considering I walked...

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The Dutch connection

Two people are in a restaurant in Amsterdam sitting at the bar. Both are drinking and both look depressed. After a while the man turns to the woman and says:

"Excuse me, I'm looking across and you're a very beautiful woman, you look incredible, but you look so depressed, why?"

"Well, y...

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