UPJOKE

My Finger Jokes

I broke my finger today...

But on the other hand I am completely fine.

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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole...

I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.

I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.

"I really need a new fucking boat," I thought to myself.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns.

I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

"Tell me what you want." I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string. She moaned...

"I want my guitar back."

I burned my finger on my computer processor.

It MHz.

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I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

I hate it when my finger rips through the toilet paper while wiping.

It was at this point I quit my job at the nursing home.

I awoke from an accident and was shocked when the doctor told me that my fingers were broken.

It was hard to grasp.

I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes...

Doctor: It sounds like diabetes.

As I sat there winding my hair through my fingers, I thought to myself

"I really need to shave my ass"

Asked my wife if I could run my finger through her hair

She nodded and said she would like that.

I started brushing across her top lip,

And that's when the fight started....

A man goes running into a clinic shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor! You’ve got to help me! I’ve been stung by a bee!” The doctor says reassuringly, "Don’t worry, I’ll put some cream on it.”

“You’ll never find that bee. It must be miles away by now.”

“No, you don’t understand.” answers the doctor. “I’ll put some cream on the place you were stung.”

“Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house.”

“No, no, no!” says the doctor getting frustrated. “I mean, where on...

Sometimes i just sit & run my fingers thru my wife’s hair.

It's a nice way to tell her i love her.

And also that we're outta napkins.

Dude, does my finger smell like dirt or like feces?

\- Like feces, man.

\- That's what I thought too, how could I have dirt up in my ass!?

Pull my finger

T^o^o^o^t

I told my friend, “ I was really depressed after I broke all my fingers in a car accident a few months ago.”

He said, “How do you feel now?”

I said, “With my elbows, mostly.”

My fingers are my best friends

I can always count on them

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community..

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

I cut the end of my finger off making dinner.

I didn't want the food to go to waste. So I ate it before going to the hospital. Something didn't taste right but I just couldn't put my finger on it.

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I bought a robotic penis that attaches between my forearm and my fingers.

It seems quite futurewristdick.

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A school bus full of Catholic girls drives off a cliff and they all die.

A bus filled with 18 year old sheltered Catholic school girls drove off a cliff and they all died. So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my fing...

I cut my finger chopping cheese...

I think that may have grater problems

I found a hole in my trainer that's big enough to put my finger through

One formal complaint from her, and I'm now banned from the gym.

I worked at a restaurant that specializes in pizza, but I got fired for getting my finger caught in the dough roller...

...she got fired too.

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The Pope announces he's kicking all the Jews out of Rome...

Outraged, the Jewish community call for a chance to debate the Pope and fight to stay.


They elect their best Rabbi and he travels to the Vatican to sit down with the Pope and plead for the Jews right to stay in Rome.


Since the Pope only speaks Latin and the Rabbi only s...

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I cringed as my finger tore through the toilet paper,

And i felt the warmth of fresh shit under my finger nail.


Sometimes i really hate my job and this damn nursing home.

I rang my wife, "Hey babe, I'm at the hospital, I cut off my finger." "Oh no, the whole finger?" she asked.

"No, no..." I replied, "the one next to it."

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I think there is a reason I can’t find my girlfriends Clitoris

But I just can’t put my finger on it.

I recently took up wood carving, and accidentally cut my finger.

It’s nothing serious. It’s just a whittle cut.

I’m worried about my finger nails lately.

They are really getting out of hand.

Someone cut off 8 of my fingers...

But I'm glad to report my typing speed is unaffected

(Credits to Mitch Hedberg)

I hate it when my finger goes through the loo roll when I’m wiping

It’s by far the worst part of my job at the care home!

My Sister's Fingers

Teacher: Kevin, why are you late this time?

Kevin: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home.

Teacher: I don't see any bandages.

Kevin: Oh, they weren't my fingers! I told my little sister to hold the nail.

So I put my finger in liquid nitrogen today..

And I am glad to inform you it's still more than 0K.

I can count on my fingers how many times I went to Chernobyl.

It was 14.

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4 nuns go to heaven

4 nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water.

St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, "Have you ever touched a penis?"

The first nun responds, "Yes I have. I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger."

St...

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A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said "Ive always wanted to have sex with a little person"

**The dwarf replied "Im sorry, but Ive had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up" "Its ok" said the woman, "my husband is working away until next week" So, against his better judgement he goes back with the woman. They start having...

I hate when I'm wiping and my finger goes through the paper. Happens every time!

That aside, my new job at the old people's home is going well.

I got fired from my deli job cause the boss caught me sticking my finger in the pickle slicer..

..turns out he fired her too.

My violin tutor told me my fingering was good but my positions could be better.

And then we started the lesson.

Sometimes I lightly run my finger in a circular motion around my lower face..

It’s called *a lip tickle*

I stuck my finger in an outlet today

It really hertz

I feel it in my fingers... I feel it in my toes...

The harsh pain of rheumatoid arthritis

Last year I blew all my fingers off on the 4th of July

And now my friends say they don't trust me. They say they can't count on me.

A married couple is lying in bed one night....

A married couple is lying in bed one night.


The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interv...

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There's something I like about you, I just can't put my finger on it...

Because it would be sexual harassment.

A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?"

"Yes, it is," came the reply.

"Thank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone."

Why does pushing my finger against a bottle of Pepsi make me sad?

Because it's soda pressing.

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If piss comes from my bladder and semen comes from my balls, what comes from my finger?

YOUR MOM!!!

I snapped my fingers to get a waiter's attention.

Pretty stupid really, now I need surgery.

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