UPJOKE

My Ex Jokes

What's the difference between a buoy and my ex girlfriend?

A buoy can be found above the ocean's surface.

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed

When we broke up she went fucking bananas

Saw my ex...

On my way home from work last year i saw my ex being beaten up by 3 guys, i stopped the car and ran over to help...she didnt stand a chance against 4 of us.

I proposed to my ex-wife today

She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money

My ex used to hit me with musical instruments

I didn't know that she had a history of violins.

How is Hurricane Florence like my ex wife?

They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house.

My ex wife still misses me

But her aim is getting better!

I've spent past 2 years looking for my ex wife's killer

No one wants to do it.

I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she'll know what rejection feels like

I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife…

But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!

Honestly, I should have seen the signs.

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My Ex called me a sex machine

Well. her exact words were "fucking tool" but I knew what she meant.


Taken from Tinder bio post...

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.

MAN, I sure am LUCKY!

I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!

Bumped into my ex today...

Well, the police say it's vehicular manslaughter. So, yeah whatever.

My Ex reminds me of a boxing ring.

It’s not unusual to find three men inside her.

I saw my ex girlfriend at the other end of the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was too much history between us.

My ex said I was a “contrarian”

I disagree.

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My ex-wife had my name tattooed on her boob, but she had it removed.

I’ve been erased from her mammary.

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My ex-wife tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I had a micro dick...

She was in for a shock, when they all disagreed.

Nsfw. I tell people my ex and I used to 96...

It's like 69, but you lay down facing away from each other and there's no touching.

My ex-wife compulsively counted things, and I ended up divorcing her

I wonder what she’s up to these days

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I was walking with my new boyfriend and ran into my ex…

He came up smugly to my new boyfriend and said,

“Hey asshole, let me tell you something. This chick over here, she’s worn out goods. I’ve used her before."

"Don't worry babe, just the front two inches, everything else is brand new.”

Edited: Based on amazing feedback by u/vp_port

Not saying my Ex was fat

But it took a year for my memory foam mattress to forget her.

After my ex died, I couldn’t shower alone for 10 years

But I’m out of prison now

My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure

I say this because just like treasure, you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her

My ex girlfirend

My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head.


"The Impaler" was my favourite.


Well, at least, that's what I thought she said....


Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.

What's the difference between my ex and the titanic?

The titanic only went down on 1,000 people

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I used to love my ex-girlfriend's breasts...

...but now they're just distant mammaries.

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”

Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.

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NSFW I once got my ex's name tattooed on my penis...

Her name was Wendy and i had it done when I was hard and now you can only see W and Y when soft.

One day I was on holiday in Jamaica, using the restroom I noticed a Jamaican man with the same WY tattoo. I asked if he had Wendy tattooed on his penis aswell.

He replied:
"nah bro it ...

I got a call from my ex crying and telling me she was HIV+

The hardest part is always having to act surprised.

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My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.

But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.

My ex-girlfriend cheated on me with a Spanish guy,

she’s some Juan else’s problem now.

My ex just called and asked if she can sleep at my place because a stalker has been coming to her house at night.

So nice of her to save me the gas money.

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During sex, I accidentally called my wife by my ex-wife name.

I said, "You like that, bitch?"

Was driving down the road the other day and saw my ex

It’s funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years

My ex-gf invited me to her wedding

Told her I was busy, will be there next time

Sometimes I miss my ex.

So I drop it into reverse and try again.

I came home to an intervention put on by my ex-lovers, my mom and my dad.

And this is why we need the oxford comma.

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My ex just sent me nudes in a compressed folder

Sigh... *unzips*

My ex girlfriend is a really good impressionist

She does everyone

What’s the difference between my ex and a bowl of spaghetti?

Spaghetti wiggles when I eat it.

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My ex wife was fucking Bonkers.

At least that's what I think the clown's name was.

I told my wife, "You're starting to act like my ex-wife"

She freaked out and said, "You never told me you had an ex-wife!"

I replied, "I don't."

I'm now convinced that we live in a simulation, and my ex-girlfriend was a bug.

Because she disappeared after my cash was cleared.

My ex is like the Mona Lisa

It's not that she is pretty or anything, but I would be ecstatic if I came home to find her hanging in the living room

My ex's cooking was cold and bland.

Clearly, she put her heart and soul into it.

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My ex was really good at blowjobs

Just a pity I found out from my friends

My ex-wife told me she missed me...

Thank goodness she is a terrible shot..

My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.

I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"

"Sir?" I asked.

"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."

"Yes, sir"

"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you ...

I accidentally sent my ex-girlfriend flowers over the internet.

Whoops, e-daises.

What is the difference between my ex girlfriend and a hockey player?

The hockey player showers after 3 periods.

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My ex-girlfriend had this weird fetish

She liked to dress up like herself and act like a raging bitch all the time

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What's the different between a rooster and my ex girlfriend?

A rooster goes cockadoodledoo.

My ex goes anycock'lldo.

My ex asked me "what's your problem?"

I said "to quote Oscar the grouch, my problem is that I love trash"

My ex-wife was a great housekeeper

She kept the house.

When I die, I want my friends to do two things: 1) Scatter my remains on my ex’s front lawn.

2) Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

I ran into my ex-girlfriend the other day...

...then I backed up and ran into her again.

I miss her sometimes.

I ran into my ex yesterday...

then backed the car up to make sure.

My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me!

I want to go say hi but there's just so much history between us.

My ex-wife is like a tornado

First she blows, then she sucks, then she took my house and dog.

I think my ex girlfriend fell into poverty since we broke up.

Every time I call her, she says, “Please leave me a loan.”

Hooking up with my ex is like playing Mario cart

I’ve played this game before and I know I’m gonna end up in 1 of 8 positions

As a musician, people asked me what my secret was to moving on from my ex so quickly.

I told them I just did what any good songwriter would do.

Drugs.

My ex-girlfriend reminds me so much of Rapunzel...

Except Rapunzel lets her hair down while my ex lets everyone else in her life down

My ex girlfriend couldn't stop bragging about my length and girth.

But she was just pulling my leg.

Sometimes I wonder about my ex girlfriends who I haven't seen in years,

you know, like has she become all fat and bloated, or has she become disgustingly skinny; or maybe someone has already found the body.

My ex should be a geologist

She keeps on digging up the past

My ex girlfriend's dog died,

so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

Stuck a photo of my ex onto my boomerang.

Now it only comes back when I get rich.

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My EX used to own a parrot

Fucking thing Never shut up. The Parrot was cool, though.

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Some jerk on my wedding asked "how's my ex's used pussy?"

I replied "it felt brand spankin' new after the first two inches."

My ex-girlfriend says she has a stalker. I have to say I'm surprised.

In all the time I've spent hanging around her house, hiding in the bushes, watching her come and go...I've never seen any signs of a stalker.

If I ever run into my ex again . . .

I hope I'm going 100 mph.

I asked my ex wife if she would like to make love just like old times.

She replied,"Over my dead body."
I said, "Yeah, just like old times."

My ex used to call me Snapchat....

Because I'd only last for 10 seconds.

Bumped into my ex in town earlier.

Almost didn't recognise her without her hand in my wallet.

My ex just sneezed,,,

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you".

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.

Bragging to me about being with my ex wife is the same as….

Bragging about eating a sandwich I threw in the dumpster

My ex told me her spiritual animal was the tiger...

but it turned out it was the cheetah.

When I saw my ex-wife yesterday with her new boyfriend, I couldn’t believe just how much he looked like me when we were still together.

Fcuking miserable.

I lost my ex because of a heart attack, and I can only blame my new job.

If I hadn't been hired as a boxing referee, I wouldn't have tried counting to ten first.

I gave my Ex a taste of her own medicine.

My ex's car broke down and she called to ask for help.
I went out and took a look at and left without telling her what was wrong.

Ever since me and my ex broken up I’ve been calling her the bull…

She’s been chasing red flags non stop

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Last night I masturbated over my ex-girlfriend.

I know it's not right, but she's a heavy sleeper and I still have a key.

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My ex called me angrily and said, “Are you fucking stupid?”

I said, “No. I used to, but we broke up, remember?”

I had a dirty dream about my ex wife

The dishes were pulled up and the house smelled like pachouli oil.

My ex just donated her eggs and got $3,000! WTF?

I donated sperm and all I got was a weird look from the Salvation Army Santa.

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My Ex and I

My Ex and I explored my Bisexual side.
She got a strap on…
My Hetero sex life is behind me now…

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After my breakup I talked to my ex one last time and said: “Do you know what’s been the best thing since I left you, it’s-”

“Oh, I know. You’ve been out shagging anything that moves!” she said. “Sowing your wild oats, getting your prick into anything with a pulse. I know exactly what you’re all about!”

“-it’s that I’ve actually been able to finish a fucking sentence without being interrupted.”

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My ex wife

My ex wife said that there was nothing wrong with having a 3 inch penis, but I still didn’t like her having one.

i tried to get back together with my ex-wife

She broke it off when she realized I was just after my money.

My ex was perfect in all aspects except that her armpits smelled

Hands down the best girl I have known.

My Ex-Wife was like a box of chocolate

Everyone got a piece

My ex who cheated on me with 5 guys without condom used to love instant noodles.

Guess you could say she liked Raw'men

I bought a trash compactor for my ex-wife

Or, as Victoria Secret calls it - a corset

My ex-wife's nickname is Thanos

Cuz she snapped and now half my stuff is gone.

My ex-wife calls me "earthquake."

Because whenever we have a dispute, I'm always at fault.

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My Ex-wife Wanted a b00b Job.

In an effort to save money, I told her that taking a few sheets of toilet tissue and rubbing it between her boobs twice a day would make her boobs grow. So my ex did this diligently for 3 months. Finally, after seeing no improvement, she came to me with a look of disappointment on her face. She aske...

I am not saying my ex wife was ugly...

But I had to quit my job, so I didn't have to kiss her goodbye in the morning.

An ex husband an ex wife are in court fighting in a bitter custody battle over their child.

The judge asks the woman: "Why do you feel you deserve custody?"

The woman says: "I brought that child into this world. My child literally came out of me! That is why I deserve custody."

The judge nods his head, and says "That is a simple and logical reason. It makes sense."

The...

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My ex was addicted to dick. just not mine

I guess micro-dosing just wasn't doing it for her after a while

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I refer to my ex-wife as "the plunger"

She just brings up old shit

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I told my ex she was cross between a rare coin and female dog.

Two Faced Bitch

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My ex wife was an acupuncturist…

Divorced her because she was a backstabbing bitch.

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My ex-wife cheated on me with the plumber, the electrician, and carpenter

She was a jack off all trades

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My ex and her parrot.

My ex had a talking parrot. This large kind with curved beak and multicolored feathers.

That disgusting creature talked all day and night never shutting its mouth!

And the parrot had to listen to all that crap.

My ex was just like my Netflix account

Shared by five dudes

I Ran Into My Ex Today...

So I put it in reverse, and I did it again.

And again.

My ex and I only stay together because of shared insurance.

We're friends with benefits.

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My EX Wife... lemme tell ya about her. WHAT... AN... ASSHOLE!!!

...Her Tits weren't bad, either!

What do the Twin Towers and my ex-girlfriend have in common?

They both went down on my dad.

I finished with my ex girlfriend due to her obsession with counting.

I wonder what she's up to now.

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My ex girlfriend Sandra's mum came steaming up to me in the supermarket earlier, with a six-pint bottle of milk in her hand..

She ripped the lid off and poured the lot over my head.

"THAT.." she yelled, "Is from our Sandra."

"Oh don't talk like a cunt." I replied. "That could be from any cow."

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