UPJOKE

My Ex Girlfriend Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

What's the difference between a buoy and my ex girlfriend?

A buoy can be found above the ocean's surface.

I saw my ex girlfriend at the other end of the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was too much history between us.

My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure

I say this because just like treasure, you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her

My ex girlfriend is a really good impressionist

She does everyone

What is the difference between my ex girlfriend and a hockey player?

The hockey player showers after 3 periods.

I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years.

But nobody will do it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the different between a rooster and my ex girlfriend?

A rooster goes cockadoodledoo.

My ex goes anycock'lldo.

I think my ex girlfriend fell into poverty since we broke up.

Every time I call her, she says, “Please leave me a loan.”

My ex girlfriend's dog died,

so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

Sometimes I wonder about my ex girlfriends who I haven't seen in years,

you know, like has she become all fat and bloated, or has she become disgustingly skinny; or maybe someone has already found the body.

I spent the last two years trying to find my ex girlfriend's killer.

No one will do it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was having a pee at a urinal in Jamaica when a local man joined him..

"What is that tattoo you have on your penis?" Says the local man

"Oh, it says WY now because it was the name of my ex girlfriend, Wendy, so when I get an erection it says her name.." says the man.

"Take a look at this" the Jamaican shows the man his penis, also having WY on his penis.....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex girlfriend Sandra's mum came steaming up to me in the supermarket earlier, with a six-pint bottle of milk in her hand..

She ripped the lid off and poured the lot over my head.

"THAT.." she yelled, "Is from our Sandra."

"Oh don't talk like a cunt." I replied. "That could be from any cow."

I finished with my ex girlfriend due to her obsession with counting.

I wonder what she's up to now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always knew that things wouldn't work out between me and my ex girlfriend.

After all, I'm an Aquarius and she's a bitch.

I nicknamed my ex girlfriend Australia

Because she has lots of scary things in her bush.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex girlfriend once told me she gets sad everytime she sees dead goose on the side of the road.

She said it's because when geese mate they mate for life. I know for a fact that's bullshit because as soon as I let go they fly away.

I stole my ex girlfriends wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

My ex girlfriend got run over by a bus today

Today has just been horrible. I even lost my job as a bus driver.

I saw my ex girlfriend tying herself to the train tracks. I couldn't believe what I was witnessing.

I looked at her, my eyes widened, and I said, "Don't do it!"

"Why the hell not?!" she yelled.

I said, "They aren't running today."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex girlfriend had a role playing fetish. She liked to dress up as herself, and act like

a fucking bitch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex girlfriend got a butt implant...

Shortly after the operation, she starting getting calls from all these modeling agencies and she was even featured in the new Drake music video that aired on MTV.


I called her to say congratulations, and she asked me how I found out...


I just s...

My ex girlfriend was like a faulty computer

I could turn her off. The hard part was turning her on again

I order my ex girlfriend a meal she hates and had Uber Eats deliver it because...

Revenge is a dish best served cold

Im not saying my ex girlfriend was fat

But all my thoughts revolve around her

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex girlfriend and I had a safe word...

So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.

My ex girlfriend is a lot like my grill.

They're both smoking hot and burned my house down.

My ex girlfriend tried to steal my hummus once.

Told that chick peace.

What's the difference between my ex girlfriend and the Atlantic Ocean?

The Atlantic Ocean would never give me *that* many crabs.

My ex girlfriend wasn't able to handle my OCD

I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

I found my ex girlfriend’s dead body at the morgue I work at

She’s still giving me the cold shoulder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex girlfriend is like an archaeologist

...always digging up useless shit from the past

My ex girlfriend used to call me noodles

Because I only lasted 2 minutes.

My ex girlfriend couldn't stop bragging about my length and girth.

But she was just pulling my leg.

My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.

**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum

**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend

My ex girlfriend left me to become a streetwalker in Venice

She drowned

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex girlfriend turned out to be an internet pornstar sensation...

She's gonna be so annoyed when she finds out!



(Edit: duplicate word, messed up punchline.)

My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.

I wonder what she’s up to now.

My ex girlfriend is a brick

Flat on both sides and laid by hispanic men.

I got a call from the hospital saying my ex girlfriend had been admitted and she was serious

I Told them I was only looking for something casual

Saw my ex girlfriend getting beaten up by 5 guys at a bus stop, so as a human being I had to step in and help...

She didn't stand a chance against the 6 of us

I’m sitting at a bar where my ex girlfriend works.

I’m hoping she gives me another shot.

My ex girlfriend recently claimed she had a great memory

She was definitely lying because it didn't take her long to forget me

My ex girlfriend had a dog.

That thing was so crazy I ended up putting her down. But I kept the dog.

I named my WIFI after my Ex Girlfriend.

I never really connect with it, it's very slow and also because I caught my neighbour using it.

My ex girlfriend was like a pirate's quest...

...she had a sunken chest and always kept me searching for the booty.

There used to be a time where I missed my ex girlfriend so much.

God, looking back I must have wasted around 8-9 bullets.

My ex girlfriend used to say that her "body was a temple", what she meant by that was...

...you can't wear shoes when you're inside of her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex girlfriend had huge tits

Ahh such good mammaries

My ex girlfriend had a tattoo of a shellfish on her inner thigh

If you would put your ear on it, you could smell the sea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex girlfriend is going to make some guy very happy one day.

And fucking miserable the rest of the time.

I ran into my ex girlfriend the other day.

Then I backed up and ran into her again.

So my ex girlfriend called me told me she has clamydia...

it didnt surprise me

she was always a shellfish lover

What do atheists and all my ex girlfriends have in common?

No expectation of a coming of any kind

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.