UPJOKE

My Cat Jokes

I think my cat might be a communist

He won't shut up about Mao.

I accidentally took my cat's medication...

Don't ask meow.

My cat is very fat

A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet. "My cat is very fat,” she says. "Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him." The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears. Finally, she turns to the girl and says, “I'm very sorry. I’m going to have to ...

I think my cats are communists

They expect free food and keep talking about Mao.

I just gave my cat some 7UP.

Now he's got 16 lives.

My cat passed away but I am not sad

She will live on forever in my online passwords.

A genie grants three wishes to an old lady.

She says, "I want to be young again."

\*poof\*

She's young again.

"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."

\*poof\*

She's now living in a beautiful mansion.

"I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!"

\*poof\*
...

"Tell me doctor, is my cat okay?"

"Well Dr. Schrödinger, I have good news and bad news..."

My cat is constantly being mistaken for a dolphin.

Poor puss.

I had to leave my cat at the vet for observation after she swallowed a bunch of dimes...

I called to see how she was doing and the vet said there was no change yet..

My cat is sick

He isn't feline well

I lost my cat

If found, please return him, dead and alive.

Thanks,

Sincerely,
Erwin Shrodinger.

I found it strange that my cat liked Carmina Burana

Then I heard that the most popular tune from it is O fortuna

(In case I am “not funny”, it’s a pun on Oh for Tuna). Geddit?

Took my cat to the vet. After a 20 minute check up, I got the bad news.

It's curiosity.

I call my cat that keeps escaping “Rasputin”

He was a cat that really was gone.

I told my cat that I'm going to teach him to speak English.

He looked at me and said, "Me, how?"

The firemen wouldn't come save my cat from a tree because it isn't an emergency

So I set the tree on fire.

A woman’s on vacation and calls home

She asks her husband, "How’s my cat doing?"

The husband says, "The cat’s dead."

The woman’s upset and says, "Well, you could have broken the news to me when I got home. I can’t enjoy my vacation now. You could’ve just said a little white lie, like the cat’s on the roof and you can’t ge...

I asked my cats "what's five minus five?",

they said nothing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I dislike my cat.

She's such a butt licker.

My cat's favourite handheld console is the PSP

I only have to mention it a few times, and he comes running

They gave an award for my cat's rear

It was a catastrophe.

My cat passed.

RIP Fluffy McMittens

2002-2003 2003-2005 2005-2007 2007-2008 2008-2011 2011-2013 2013-2014 2014-2015 2015-2016

I asked my cat, "how are you?"

He said he was, "feline fine"

How did my cat know tomorrow's weather?

He looked at the fur-cast

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cat's just accused me of being obsessed with Dr. Dolittle.

Cheeky bastard. If I wasn't, we wouldn't even be having this fucking conversation.

My Cat's name in Minton

when he misbehaves, he is Bad Minton

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do I call my cat doctor?

My pussy's vet

I had to put my cat down today

He didnt like being picked up so decided put him on the ground

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

my cat is a stripper.

she says "i'm gonna sit on your lap but you can't touch me." in a way.

My cat loves to step on my keyboard

Hmckfykfkufjthfidrbsxjhcktsrg chdrgqbg
Ftgangg r Jr temvzdv. If MT c
Bzzca v CD gen dmath

Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.

I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."

My cat made an onlyfans account.

People love her cat-nips!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cinderella, now 90 years old, and Prince Charming being long dead, sat on the balcony of her castle with her cat resting in her lap.

Suddenly, the Fairy Godmother appeared out of nowhere. Cinderella was completely stunned.

\- Wh... what are you doing here after all these years? asked Cinderella.

\- Cinderella, you have lived a perfect life. You have never done anything out of malice, and you have been a wonderful wi...

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I was arrested for having pictures of my cat's butthole on my phone.

They charged me with posession of kitty porn.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am pretty sure my cat is gay

Though he seems a bit too insecure of it since he keeps coming out of the closet over and over , poor guy.

I tried posting my cat today

He got a little upset so I let him back down.

I called my cat Photoshop...



...but she reacts only to abbreviation.

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My cat fell in the pool..

My cat fell in the pool and the chicken standing next to the pool started laughing.


Moral of the story: Wet pussy makes cock feel good.

My cat loves hunting lizards but he never kills them.

He's just all about the details.

Yesterday I was charged $10,000 dollars for sending my cat into space.

It was a cat astro fee.

My cat passed away

two months ago but to this day I still avoid to step over her spot in the kitchen.

Don't you think it's time to bury her?

My cat scratched me

me:ow

A guy walks into a bar wearing a Browns jersey and carrying a cat that also has a Browns jersey on with a little Browns helmet on his head, too.

The guy says to the bartender, "Can my cat and I watch the Browns game here?
My TV at home is broke, and my cat and I always watch the game together."

The bartender replies, "Normally, cats wouldn't be allowed in the bar, but
it's not very busy in here right now, so you and the cat can ...

My cat died yesterday.

It was catastrophic.

Why did my cat get screwed on his student loans?

He forgot to read the second claws

My cat is really fat and chubby

Most people would call her “fubby” but french people would call her “chat”

Where would you park your camel?

The Camelot.

PS Booze helped with this and now I'm laughing alone in my apartment

I took my cat in to get neutered today.

You think I'm taking this no nut November thing to seriously?

I asked a linguist, "I'd like to speak to my cat. Can you teach me how?"

"For starters," she said, "the h is silent."

Can't believe I’ve caught COVID off my cat

don’t ask meow

My best friend kicked all three of my cats today

I'll get over it, but he really hurt my felines.

I went out late at night to call my cat.

And now I really regret naming him Batman. The neighbors are looking concerned.

I'm taking my cat into the vet....

He's getting a cat scan

So I decided to name my cat sox.

to be fair I started with two cats but lost one in the wash.

My cat peed on my brand new expensive backpack so I had to throw it away.

I’ll miss you, Fluffy.

I gave my cat a bath today...

The fur got stuck to my tongue but other than that it was okay.

Steve Martin

My dog loves to hump my cat

He’s a real purrrrvert

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently enrolled my cat for beautiful butt competition

We won.

But everyone thinks it was a catastrophe!

My cat, Schrodinger went missing

I don't know if she is dead or alive.

My cat didn't like being picked up.

I guess I should have worded it better when I told the vet to put him down.

Gave my cat a bath

I gave my cat a bath the other day… they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, and  it was fun for me too. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that…

My cat told a joke today.

I didn't laugh. He took it purr-sonal..

I named my cat Christian ...

...because it was grey.

Curiosity killed my cat.

But now I know what they're made of.

I had to put my cat down today.

She's overweight and my arms were getting tired.

I was giving my cat a bath for the first time.

She just loved it.It was good for me, it was good for the cat.It gave us some precious time together we desperately needed.Ahh,the look on her cute little face was enough to make a trucker melt.The fur got stuck to my tounge,but other than that it was ok.

I bought my cat a new car

It's a me-audi

I was playing games on my pc and my cat kept jumping onto my desk.

I had to put him down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I brought my cat to cat judging competition. I thought it went really poorly, but he did win an award for having the best butt.

It was a cat-ass-trophy

My friends call me The Cat’s Meow.

That’s because my cat is mute, and I have to meow for him.

I decided not to get my cat vaccinated

I didn’t want him to get pawtism

I can’t leave my cat

She kneads me.

I'm beginning to suspect my cat is secretly a Chinese communist.

All she ever talks about is Mao.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cat won an award for her butt.

It was a catastrophe.

meow. I'll purr my way out.

A wizard turned my cat into a pile of Indian spice!

Oh lawd, he cumin!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cat's best friend was a rabbit, but the rabbit passed away today....

...now I have a hare-less pussy!

But seriously, RIP Carrots.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I commissioned a sculpture of my cats butt...

It was a catastrophe.

I made a portrait of my cat using saliva.

It was a spitting image.

People always tell me I shouldn't give my cat a bath...

I don't see what the big deal is. Honestly, it's fine once I get all the hair off my tongue.

Everytime I put food for my cat I almost puke,

This time it really became a cat-astrophy.

My cat needed to take some antibiotics recently, so I wrapped it up in ham

When it couldn't run away it made the whole process much easier.

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