UPJOKE

My Bank Account Jokes

I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working...

... as long as I die on Thursday.

My bank account was hacked!!!

The hacker was so disappointed, he started a fundraiser for me.

My father said I would be able to consider myself successful when my bank account balance resembled a phone number

Hey. 911 is a phone number.

My bank account is huge.

It has lots of space for the money I don't have.

I saw $50,000 mysteriously put into my bank account

I want no trouble, so I decided to leave it where I found it

I wanted to do some last minute panic buying. Then I checked my bank account.

Now all I can do is panic.

I have an addiction to having lots of money in my bank account.

Unfortunately, I'm suffering from withdrawals.

I just checked my bank account balance and I have $10K

the K is silent.

People used to call me ugly until they saw my bank account....

Now they call me ugly and poor

I checked my bank account and I found out that I have enough money to spend for the rest of my life.

Rent? Food? Bills. My account got them covered for the rest of my life. As long as I die on Tuesday.

I avoid checking my bank account.

I just don't need that negativity in my life.

After years of saving, I finally have a comma in my bank account!

$ -1,250

I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.

It's called Meal or no Meal.

One of my bank accounts is 8 figures

$0.0000001

Girls always tell me I'm ugly until they see the balance in my bank account

They then call me ugly and broke :(

I went to Wendy’s for lunch but I had to check my bank account first

I had to make sure I can A-Four-for-Four’d it

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So in 2018: my love left me, my dream is likely unreachable now, my future plan is shit and I have $15 in my bank account...

My life fits this sub so well.

Small, skinny man is sitting in a pub...

There is a beer in front of him. A macho, muscular man enters the pub, taps him on the shoulder and drinks his beer! The skinny man starts crying. The big man:

\- Oh, stop crying, baby. That's just one beer...

The small man:

\- Okay, listen! Today my wife left me, my bank accoun...

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A 25 y.o. goes to her therapist...

Patient: "Doctor, I feel so bad lately, since I got my first raise at work, I can't stop taking cash outta my bank account and then go buy a bunch of useless stuff...

Doctor: "Hmm, can you describe more precisely how you are feeling?"

Patient: "Well, I get such a high when I take the m...

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My wife is deathly afraid of snakes so I got her last year by placing a rubber Copperhead in her glove compartment.

She nearly shit herself! Sadly, she finally got me back today and I must admit it was pretty crafty.

She knows that every morning I have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast so last night before she went to sleep she fucked my brother and emptied my bank account.

A man with an orange for a head is drinking in a bar...

another man walks up to him and says "Excuse me mate, I just wondered how come you've got an orange for a head?"

The man with an orange for a head says "We'll, it's quite a story, if you buy me a pint, I'll tell you."

So the man buys 2 pints and they settle down at the bar. "A few year...

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A man was cleaning out the basement of the house his grandfather left him...

...when he came across an old metal oil lamp. The man starts wiping it off with his shirt when two genies emerge from the lamp.

"Holy shit!" the guy exclaims.

"We are the genies of the lamp. We have been stuck inside that lamp for decades, and you have freed us. We will grant you three...

A little dwarf is sitting in a bar. He stares at his beer with a sad look in his eyes.

A strong guy appears, punches the dwarfs shoulder and drinks his beer. The dwarf starts crying.

The guy: "Come on, you wimp. A real man does not cry because of a beer."

The dwarf: "Listen. My wife left me today and my bank account was robbed. After that I lost my job. I didn't want to ...

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A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman.

He noticed her sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there'
..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not lookin...

The man with an orange for a head

A bartender is working on a quiet Sunday when an unusual man comes in.

The man has an orange for a head. Perfectly normal body up to the neck, then just a massive orange instead of a head.

The bartender serves the man and says "I hope you don't mind me asking you mate, but ... what h...

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A couple is golfing on a golf course when their ball flies out of the course and smashes right through the window of an old mansion.

Shocked, the couple hastes to the old mansion and knock on the door.

A mysterious voice from within the mansion calls the couple to enter.

The couple enters the mansion and in the hallway they see an old man standing next to the broken window and a broken chinese vase with their golfba...

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A man, down on his luck, comes across a lamp while walking on the beach...

He gives the lamp a hard rub and out comes a genie.

Genie says "Master, I will fulfill any three wishes you have with one condition. Whatever you wish for, the man you hate the most will get double."

"What the hell? Have you any idea what John did to me? He stole my job, slept with my ...

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A man was teaching his wife golf...

The wife struck the golf ball so hard that it went to the neighbours house and they heard a crash like it broke something.

Embarrassed and apologetic, they go over to the neighbours house and let themselves in.

They see a broken vase on the ground and a man standing near it.

...

An environmentalist friend of mine told me I should buy organic because it's sustainable

I looked at my bank account, and I really disagree.

I lost 225 pounds!

I don’t know how or why anyone hacked into my bank account

Thatll do it.

A man bought what he thought was a porcelain tea pot at a trader's market,when he finally made it home he was polishing it before putting it in his China cabinet. Smoke began pouring out of it and low and behold a genie appeared. The genie told the man he had three wishes,the only thing is your ex w...

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A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.

“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.

The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.

“How much will it cost to buy everyone here a round of drinks?”, the man asks, taking a s...

Three guys on a hiking trip find a lamp, so they rub it until a genie appears who generously offers to grant each of them three wishes.

The first one goes "I would love to be as rich as I ever want, with enough money appearing in my bank account whenever I want to buy anything." The second one says "that's amazing, I want the same!", but the third one says "I want my left arm to constantly rotate clockwise."
- "Done", says the ge...

I have a ton of money!

A dude goes up to his friend and says, "Dude! I have a TON of money in my bank account!"

His friend replies, "Oh, yeah? What's your balance?!"

To which he replies, "£2000"

It took 8 of the world's most powerful telescopes to take a picture of a black hole.

They could of just asked for a screenshot of my bank account.

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I'm a Leprechaun!

A man was at a club and after several drinks, of course he had to go to the bathroom. When he started relieving himself in the trough, he noticed a dwarf a few feet down the trough. He glanced down and saw that the dwarf was hung like a horse.

“Damn! How does a little guy like you have such a...

I'm so broke..

.. that when my Identiy was stolen today and LifeLock called me and said I now have no money in my bank account.

I was like, "Sweet! I'm no longer in debt"

By far the best black friday deal of 2017...

My bank account, with a 100% balance discount.

Whenever I drink the first thing it affects is my balance

Just look at my bank account.

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A guy rubs an old oil lamp...

...and a genie comes out. In a deep voice he says : "You have 3 wishes. Ask me anything".

The guy thinks for a bit and says : "Alright, I want 40 billion dollars on my bank account."

The genie tells him it's done, the guy checks his bank account and indeed finds he is now very, very ri...

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Three guys meet in class after a superbowl sunday, still super hungover from the night before.

The first guy pipes up and says 'Fuck. i got so drunk last night I blew chunks.' The second guy cuts him off nearly immediately screaming 'oh yeah? I was so drunk I emptied my bank account at the strip club after. I have no money to pay rent now.' The third guy laughs at both of them and said 'that'...

Man find's a genie

The genie tells him that he will be granted three wishes, but there is a catch. Anything that he gets from these three wishes, his ex-wife is given double.

The man is stoked that he can now get anything he wants, but pretty upset that his ex-wife will get twice as much as he does. He proceeds...

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