UPJOKE

Bank Balance Jokes

My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool.

I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.

Men who are liked by girls, solely because of their bank balance...

....should be called Cashanovas

I'm going through a divorce at the moment, and my soon to be ex-wife said she is going to make sure my bank balance is going to be $0.

That's nice of her, paying off all my debt.

My parents told me to work until my bank balance looked like a phone number

I’m happy to say that I’ve achieved my goal, and am retiring with $911.

Mama always said “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.”

Well I did it! Bank balance: 9.11!

When people question you on your financial status

Hey look.. I don't check my bank balance coz I don't need that negative energy in my life

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rich Arab guy wants to marry an American woman.

He approaches her but she doesn't like him. Instead of rejecting him, she tells him that she will only marry him if he can fulfil all her demands. He agrees to do anything for her.

First, she tells him that she will only marry him if he has a big house. He takes her to one of his mansions and...

Hey Alexa,

Can you check my bank balance and let me know which Apple product I can afford?

Alexa: Apple juice!

GENIE: I will grant you one wish!

Me: What the hell, I thought it was 3 wishes

Genie: Look in your pants

Me: Oh wow

Genie: Now look at your bank balance

Me: OH WOW

Genie: Yeah, I been doing this for a long time!

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3 men are walking through the desert when they stumble across a lamp. They dust it off and a Genie pops out, the genie says "I will grant each of you 3 wishes!"

The first man says "I wish for a million dollars!" "Alright" says the Genie and just like that a million dollars appears at the man's feet.

The second man says "I wish for unlimited money" "Alright" says the Genie "Check your bank account" The man checks on his phone and sure enough there's a...

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A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

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Yet another Genie joke...

A fellow is walking along the beach, in a really foul mood. He sees something shiny sticking out of the sand, and he hauls off and delivers a mighty kick.

It's a genie's bottle, and it goes tumbling across the sand. The cork pops out, and what appears is one very pissed off genie.

...

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A young couple was golfing.....[NSFW]

A young couple was golfing. The husband turn came and he hit the ball out of the golf course. The ball ended in someone's house and broke the window. The wife wanted to apologize, so they went to the house and find the owners so they can apologize. They got to the house and the door was open.
...

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The Magic Lamp

A man whose wife had just divorced him was walking down along the beach trying to figure out what he was going to do next with his life. Suddenly his foot kicked something hard in the sand and he was immediately surrounded by smoke. A Booming voice said :

"I AM THE GENIE OF THE LAMP"
...

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A man with half an orange as a head

A man with half an orange for a head walks into a bar. The bartender takes one look at him and says, 'Okay, man, I just have to know. I'll shout you a beer if you tell me just how your head came to be half an orange.' The man sits down at the bar and says, 'Well, it happened like this.'

'I'm ...

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