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Mowe Jokes

I was out mowing my lawn...

I was out mowing my lawn. When I had to stop and refill the mower with gasoline.

The gas can broke and spilled gasoline into a puddle. I went to get some absorbent to clean up the mess but found the local stray cat had lapped up all that spilled gasoline.

I tried catch it, but it wen...

I mowed the lawn today, and after

doing so I sat down and had a cold soda.

The day was really quite beautiful,
and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about the age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain t...

How come the lawn of a graveyard needs to be mowed so often?

Because of everybody pushing up the daisies

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Little Johnny is in grade two class when the teacher says, "Okay boys and girls, today we are going to learn a new word."

She writes the word on the chalkboard and asks, "Who knows how to say our new word?"
Little Johnny, who is sitting in the back, puts his hand up and yells, "Oh, I know, I know, pick me, pick me!"
The teacher knows Little Johnny is a troublemaker, and he will probably say something silly, s...

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I hate it when my neighbor mows the lawn at 7 in the morning

This one Saturday morning I get woken up by my neighbor's mower going at 7 in the morning. I have quite a bad hangover and I just decide screw him he can cut around me. .

I mowed the lawn with my shirt off, and now my back is stiff.

My wife told next time to mow with my pants off.

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A successful businessman is driving home and sees another man on the sidewalk eating grass.

He stops and asks, "Hey! Why are you eating grass?"

The man replies, "I'm out of money, I lost my job and I haven't eaten in three days! Grass is my only option."

The businessman thinks for a few second and says, "You know what, why don't you come with me to my house."

The man, ...

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How can I get in to heaven?

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday

school class.



"NO!" the children all answered.



"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kep...

I had 180 people under me at my first job and I was only 14 years old.

I mowed the town cemetery.

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A man is lying on a sun lounger drinking a beer while his wife struggles mowing the lawn with a push mower.

When their neighbour sticks his head over the fence and starts shouting at the man. "Look at you, sitting on your backside while your wife works her arse off! You should be bloody well hung!"

The man sets down his beer, looks his neighbour straight in the eye, and replies.

"I am. That'...

I looked out of my window this morning and saw my dad slumped over the lawnmower crying, I said to my mum "what's wrong with dad?"

"He's going through a rough patch" she said...

Two hillbillies

were sipping moonshine on the front porch when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

“I’m a-gonna do that when I win that there lottery”, announced hillbilly #1.

“Do wut?”, asked hillbilly #2

“Send my lawn out to git mowed.”

What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?

E-Lawn

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Two Irishmen are sitting having a pint

when a Turf truck drives by. The first Irishmen says "When I win der lottery dats what I'm gonna do".
The second Irishmen says "Whats that, drive a truck"?
"No ya daft bastard, send my lawn away to be mowed"!

The grass may actually be greener on the other side of the fence,

but it still has to be mowed

"It’s really hot outside," a husband tells his wife, staring out the front window.

"What do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn naked?" he asks jokingly.
The wife replies without looking up from the morning paper, "They’ll probably think I married you for the money."

A lawyer is driving home one evening

When he spots a man at the side of the road, eating the grass on the verge. He stops and asks the man what he is doing. The man says “I am so poor that my family and I cannot afford food and so we eat grass to survive”. The lawyer is horrified and says “that’s terrible! Look, I’m on my way home; gra...

Ernesto, the church gardener, would like to give his place to his friend Kamal, who is unemployed, but he knows that the priest is very strict on one point: All the staff must be Catholic. Unfortunately, Kamal is not Catholic. So Ernesto has an idea:

- Kamal, let's say you converted several years ago to the Catholic religion.

- That's nice, but I don't know anything about the Catholic religion.

- Don't worry, to verify that an employee is Catholic, the priest always asks the same questions. Since I've thought of everything, I'll ma...

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3 Nazis walk in front of a BAR.

Then an American mowed them down.

Too Hot

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey," he continued, "what would then neighbors think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

His wife thought for a moment, then replied, "That I married you for your money."

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So, two guys emigrate from Afghanistan to the US

They say, let's meet in 10 years and see who has become more American. 10 years pass and they meet. One guy says " Today I mowed the lawn, took my son to little league, and went to McDonalds. Let's see you top that." The other guy says "you fucking rag head."

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were having a conversation.

Sherlock turned to Watson. "Observe the stars above us and the grass below us, what can you deduce? You know my methods."

Watson thought carefully. "From the position of the stars, i can deduce our approximate location, as well as the month. The grass is moist, so it has obviously rained rece...

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The homeowner's association keeps telling me I need to cut the grass.

I appreciate the concern, but I haven't smoked since high school, when I mowed lawns for weed money.

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Mexican stripper

Do you know what I said when I saw a Mexican stripper frolicking in my freshly mowed front lawn?


Much ass grassy ass

I hate people who brag

I swear, the next person who brags in front og me will be mowed down by my brand new Lamborghini Aventador with extremely comfortable leather seats at max speed (218 mph)

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What's the difference between a lawnmower and a hooker?

When I'm choking the lawnmower, I don't stick my dick in it.

An angry clairvoyant got drunk in a bar and started a fight.

Police have arrested a mean medium, mowed.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away wit...

I visited a doctor about my low libido, and he said don't worry I will help you

According to my neighbor, the doctor came to my place and mowed my lawn when I was at work, What a nice guy.

What did the computer do with his overgrown gardens...?

Mowed 'em.

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