UPJOKE

Looking Forward Jokes

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Just got a vasectomy. I was looking forward to not having any more kids...

...but when I got home, the fuckers were still there

I was looking forward to showing my teacher my reddit post, but she got sick.

So, the subreddit

I was really looking forward to interviewing a local child psychologist, until I did.

Turns out they were a full grown adult!

A pastor is looking forward to dinner with a family in his congregation….

After church on Sunday, the pastor approaches the family and confirms their dinner the coming Friday. After making small talk for a few minutes, the pastor turns to the couple’s 5yo. “Have your parents told you what they will be making for us on Friday?”
The child thinks a second and replies, “Go...

I'm really looking forward to the world Cup themed McDonald's burger.

The Qatar pounder

I'm not looking forward to Soviet Russia reforming.

The last thing I want is to be driven by a car!

Not looking forward to one day having to buy a Quantum Laptop Computer...

I *still* haven't even finished paying the last bill from my Quantum Mechanic!

Was looking forward to Cyberpunk 2077.

Got Cyberpunk 2020 instead.

Not looking forward to Thanksgiving. There's always yelling, crying and plate throwing.

Also, it's hard always being alone on Thanksgiving.

Looking forward to Iran vs USA in the World Cup. A bunch of semi-literate religious fundamentalists stuck in the 19th century.

But I think Iran can probably beat them

My friend with narcolepsy is looking forward to Christmas

Just 500 sleeps to go now

I'm already looking forward to 2021.

Then hindsight will actually be 2020 for a whole year...

Looking forward to some comment karma

Because real joke is in the comments.

Everyone is looking forward to the end of this year...

But I will not be happy in that 2020 won...

Why was Simba looking forward to his paracetamol wearing off?

Because he just couldn’t wait to be aching.

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A boy was not looking forward to lunch.

Everyday his mom would pack a liverwurst sandwich and he hated it. One lunch period his classmate looks over and says, "I hate it when my mom packs me a seabird sandwich for lunch. Wanna trade?" Overjoyed, the boy accepted. All of a sudden a teacher grabs him and asks, "Did you trade sandwiches?"...

Him: I'm looking forward to 2020.

Her: I can see why.

Him : what about the letters beside it?

Her : O R X

Him : great job. Next line down?

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Actually looking forward to Christmas this year for once.

I usually get terrible presents for the Mrs that she don’t actually want, but this year found her Christmas list and I've got everything on it;

Eggs

Milk

Bread

Butter

Bacon

Sugar

Toilet roll

She's going to be well impressed

I'm looking forward to the day we celebrate that chocolate cookie with white icing in the middle.

Mem-Oreo Day.

Reasons I'm looking forward to Valentine's Day this year

1. It's pay day

Looking forward to celebrate Thanksgiving with my loved ones

Wish I could write this in another sub

Early last February this year, I learned that National Grammar Day is celebrated on March 4th; I was looking forward to celebrating with some friends of mine in Toledo, Ohio...

...I made the trip from Nevada by car; it was a wonderful celebration. My friends Jerry, Susan, and Cynthia organized a wonderful event consisting of a host of grammar related activities: proof-reading, sentence structuring, and more.

Susan also turned out to be a wonderful cook; she prepared...

An oxygen atom was looking forward to a threesome,

Instead the poor guy got ozoned.

My brother has been writing a stage drama about a dictionary and a thesaurus. I'm really looking forward to it.

I love a play on words.

So many people regretting how excited they were to leave 2019 behind, looking forward to good things

Now is where we learn that it's *hindsight* that's 2020.

Looking forward to his next movie

Night at the Mausoleum

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Bill's been looking forward to this hunting trip for months.

He shakes his wife awake at the asscrack of dawn and says, "C'mon woman, less'go! We gotta get them guns packed into the Chevy," and she says, "No, honey, I don't feel good, you go on without me," and he says, "You summ'bitch, do you know how long I've been plannin' this goddamn couples huntin' trip...

In a strange way, I was really looking forward to the hurricane and I was disappointed when it was downgraded...

I thought others round these here parts would echo my sentiment, but I guess Carolinians are used to being disappointed by the Hurricanes.

Really looking forward to the Superbowl this year. We get to see two of the best tight ends on the field...

Shakira and JLo.

All this time I've been looking forward to when I can get a proper haircut again, and thinking I'll shave off this lockdown beard of mine.

But over the past year, it's gradually grown on me.

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Looking forward to a happy rest of your life!

In the first 5 years of marriage, you have house sex: sex in every room of the house.

After about 10 years, you typically just have bedroom sex: sex in the bedroom.

After about 20, you have hallway sex: you walk by your S.O. in the hallway, and say, "Fuck you."

My wife says she is really looking forward to the hotel...

But I have my reservations.

I was really looking forward to Disney's portrayal of Rapunzel when Tangled first came out...

...but her hair was such a let down.

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A farmer gets a letter

A humble farmer goes out to his mailbox, seeing that a letter has arrived.

"Dear Ronald J. Kse,

This year we have chosen you to be the host of this year's harvest reap! All you need to do is provide your humble farm as the place of the party, and we will all provide.

Thanks, you...

As I sit here eating my Pi day pie, I'm looking forward to also celebrating Tau day.

Then my desserts will have come full circle.

So I noticed my wife put on some weight lately

For her birthday I got her a dress 2 sizes smaller with a note “I’m looking forward to seeing you in this” thinking this might motivate her.

The next day, I found the exact same note for me except it was on a pack of large sized condoms.

The trip to ... hell?

To celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary, John and his wife are planning a trip to Mexico. Everything should be perfect. John leaves a few days earlier to get everything ready.

At night he writes an email to his wife, but enters a wrong address and the message ends up at the widow o...

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A city guy decides to pursue his dream to be a lumberjack

So he moves to a remote logging town in the northern woods. It's just 40 men in this little community, hundreds of miles from the nearest town of any size, and he wonders how they manage their "loneliness," if you know what I mean.

One evening in the spring, after the day's work has ended, a ...

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I'm really looking forward to Halloween this year. I'm doing a SAW themed party for my kids and their friends.

It begins with twelve children locked in the basement and I've hidden the Wi-Fi password inside the stomach of one of them.

Three weddings were occurring the same hotel one weekend.

After the ceremonies and wedding meals, all three grooms happened to be at the bar at the same time and they got talking about how they were looking forward to their wedding nights.

The first groom said "Hey we should let each other know how we got on. How about, at breakfast, the number of ...

I just got dumped by my cross-eyed girlfriend

She said she wasn’t looking forward to see me.

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Bill Clinton and the Pope die at the same time.

There's an administrative mix up in purgatory and the Pope is sent to Hell and Clinton to Heaven.

After 20 minutes the mistake is discovered and the mistake rectified. As they're heading down the escalator Clinton down, the Pope up, the pope says to Clinton "I'm really looking forward to meet...

Mother's Day

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eat...

My husband once bought me a dress two sizes too small to encourage me to lose weight so I could fit into it.

When he gave me the dress, he said that he was "looking forward to seeing you in it."

So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.

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Dirty Sheep Shearer

Baz the sheep shearer had just completed a six week 'shed', a live-in shearing job working with a gang on a farm with thousands of sheep. His back was sore, he'd worked long days and he was looking forward to heading home to his wife and kids.

When he walked in and caught up with his family, ...

Ben is serving term in prison for fraud. One day he receives a letter from his father, Maurice

Dear Ben,

It looks like I won't be able to plant anything in the garden this year. I am growing too old to do any digging without your help. Looking forward to your early release.

Love, Dad

Ben replies:

Dear Dad,

Please don't dig up the garden - that's where I hid ...

I won a lifetime supply of canned pineapple.

I'm looking forward to living on the Dole.

The scrod joke

A man flies into Boston for a work trip. He’s been excited about this trip for a while because it means he’ll get to eat scrod, his favorite meal. This is a rare opportunity as he can’t get it where he’s from since he lives too far from the coast. So he’s really looking forward to eating some fresh ...

What does Harvey Weinstein have in common with a broken arm? (NSFW)

They both are looking forward to getting their cast off.

I was admiring my aunt’s necklace when she surprised me by announcing, “I’m leaving it to you in my will.”

I was overjoyed, perhaps too much. “Oh!” I shouted. “I’m looking forward to that!”

Christmas

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Christmas is a lot like a new relationship with a woman," the guy tells the bartender. "I always get really excited looking forward to it, but after it's all over I regret spending all that money."

Software conglomerate Meta to acquire Mucil...

Founder Mark Zuckerberg states "The Meta-mucil merger will help us move things along. They are looking forward to this with every fiber of their being."

Billy Bob was impressed with Al's first week as a farm hand..

It was Friday and Billy Bob told Al we are partying tonight!

Billy Bob: There's gonna be a lot of fightin!

Al: I love me a rumble!

Billy Bob: there's gonna be some boozing!

Al: I love me some whiskey!

Billy Bob: There's gonna be some F$&king!

Al: I'm lo...

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