UPJOKE

Listening To Jokes

My girlfriend said to me "Are you even listening to me?!"

Strange way to start a conversation.

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution.

My neighbors are listening to great music.

Whether they like it or not.

A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?”

“I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.

“Who?” the son asks.

“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”

A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral listening to the eulogies being read...

A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".

"No, not at all", she replies.

The man stands and clears his throat.

“Bargain", he says, and sits back down.

"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his fath...

My wife crashed the car while listening to Adele

She was Rolling in the Jeep.

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

*A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.*

Daughter: God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.

Dad: why did you say that?

Daughter: I don't know, I just felt like saying it.

*The next day, grandpa drops ...

Some poor children in Victorian London were listening to Christmas songs

They heard that Santa Claus gives coal to children who aren´t on his nice list, and so they commit as many petty crimes as possible to be on his naughty list so as to not die of hypothermia.

What was the drunk driver listening to?

The Cars' Greatest Hits.

My neighbours are always listening to loud music

whether they want to or not.

A horse in a barn was listening to some rock and roll on the radio...

And he was inspired. The guitarist was masterful, and the horse knew, then and there, that he needed to play guitar. More than anything he'd ever needed before.

So he calls up his buddy, who is a guitar teacher, and asks his buddy to help him learn guitar. The horse takes to it quickly and p...

A man is listening to his daughter pray one night.

The daughter says, “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, and goodbye grandpa!” The dad asks her, “Why did you say goodbye grandpa?” She replies, “I don’t know, it just felt right.” The next morning the grandpa sadly dies. The man rubs it off as a coincidence and listens to her pray a...

What kind of paper likes listening to music?

Rapping paper

I was listening to a new Wagner movement yesterday.

Bit disappointing, it started with a bang but ended with a whimper.

I accidentally deleted an audiobook I was listening to

Now I’ll never hear the end of it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On Christmas afternoon, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "W...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you like listening to music whilst having sex

Listen to a live album, that way you'll get an applause every 3-4 minutes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate listening to music during sex...

There honestly aren't many good 30 second songs out there.

My dad told me I was listening to way too much Korean Music.

I told him, "K pop"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just finished listening to a country album backwards.

I got my dog, my truck, and my wife back.

Lena is listening to the news as she makes dinner…

It’s rush hour around St. Paul and she knows Ole will be on his way home from the office. As she’s putting things in the oven, she hears a story about a car going the wrong way on the interstate! She immediately calls Ole to let him know he needs to be careful.

“Ole, are you headed home soon?...

A father asks his child, "Could you please stop listening to Korean music?"

"K, pop."

I was listening to a joke about tinnitus but I could hear the punchline coming from a mile away.

Then I realized it was all in my head.

I was listening to my son do his math homework at the kitchen table

And then all of sudden he said 3+6 the son of a b !tch is 9, and then he said 2+5 the son of a b!tch is 7, so I said, what are you saying, son?! He said, but my teacher she showed us how to do Math and that's what she said...so just to make sure I was like, OK go on. He said 2+2 the son of a b!tch i...

Just been listening to Ghislaine Maxwell's favourite band.

Scouting For Girls.

I can't stop listening to Daft Punk.

Just One More Time.

After 6 months (or so) of listening to people talk with masks on

I finally understand what Charlie Browns teacher was saying

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?


DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?


MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????


DAD: No, it was with a knife...

Most people don't enjoy listening to Jimmy Eat World right away

It just takes some time

I was listening to music, and it suddenly stopped.

Spotty-Fi.

What disorder can you get listening to kpop?

BTSD

I was listening to the orchestra but I had to turn off the radio...

There was too much sax and violins.

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbors dog.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this,” and she goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, “The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?” The blonde says, “I put the dog in our backyard, let’s see how THEY like it.”

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed.

The daughter says “God bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad.” The father says, “Good bye Grandad? Why is that?” The daughter says, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, Grandad drops dead. The father can’t believe the coincidence, but decided not to quest...

I can control sheep by just listening to them

It's true, I heard them with my own ears

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young Native American boy is listening to his dad...

talk about how to read the skies, in order to know how much wood is needed for the winter. Being the youngest of two boys, as well as his older brother being the apple of his fathers eye, he knows he won't be made chief, so he saw no point in learning it. A few years later, a tradegy strikes the tri...

Why does listening to One Direction make people age more quickly?

It makes you go see Niall.

I hate listening to anesthesiologists tell stories.

They always put me to sleep

My wife said someone is listening to us.

I said do you believe in ghosts?

I laughed. She laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music?

They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.

A student sits in class, eagerly listening to the lecture.

Next to him, a classmate who is twiddling his thumbs and spinning a pencil.

The teacher finishes the lesson and asks the students to copy the board.

Soon enough, the teacher walks over to the eager student and asks what he’s doing, as he isn’t writing.

Twiddling his thumbs and ...

What music do trees love listening to?

Bach

My wife said I had to stop listening to Meat Loaf.

I'd do anything for love, but I won't do that.

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