Like A Jokes - 85 Hilarious Like A Jokes

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Redditors are like a fine wine...

Sitting alone untouched in the basement.

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Religion is like a penis.

It’s fine to have one. It’s fine to be proud of it. But please don’t whip it out in public and start waving it around.

PETA is like a box of chocolates

They kill dogs

Marriage is like a deck of cards

It starts off with hearts and diamonds, but after a while you'll settle for a club and a spade

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When you think about it, a vagina is a lot like a university.

They're both a lot easier to get into, if you're rich or an athlete.

The American Government is just like a car...

If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My anaconda: No.

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Virginity is like a car

Once you've had it 25 years, nobody else wants it either

I’ve always believed that a good speech is like a girls mini skirt…

... Short enough to get everyone's attention and long enough to cover the most important bits!!

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

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A girl I met last night told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow...

Found out that she meant 'Trout' and not 'Skittles.'

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

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I told a girl my dick was like a computer

She asked if that was because it had loads of RAM and a big hard drive.

Oh, the surprise she got when she found out it was microsoft and full of viruses.

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Life is like a penis

It gets hard when you least expect it

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A knife is like a penis…

It’s not about how big it is, it’s about how effective you are at making someone regret their decisions when you whip it out.

My wife said I look like a Greek god.

Her actual words were "Put your clothes on, we're in a museum" but I know what she meant.

My parents treat me like a god...

...they don't believe in me.

A girlfriend is like a good US president

I’d love to have one

My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

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I look at my gf’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can

Like it’s my next meal

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

People treat me like a god!

They ignore me until they need my help.

When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body

Then I was born

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"

God said, "Sure, just a second."

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my girlfriend says her pussy's like a rose

But I think it looks more like tulips

Life is like a box of chocolates

**It doesn't last long for fat people**

What sounds like a sneeze and is made out of leather?

A shoe

what's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

A joke is like a frog...

When you dissect it, it dies.
Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it.
Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just...

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

Like a lot of men my age..

I'm 52.

My girlfriend treats me like a god.

She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

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Love is like a fart.

If you have to force it, then it's probably shit.

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What do you call a potato that looks like a penis?

A dictator.

What do you call a regular looking potato?

A commentator.

There are two potatoes standing on the side of the road, how do you tell which one is the hooker?

The one that says Idaho on it.

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Religion is like a vagina.

Many people like being in one. It can feel warm and welcoming.

But you shouldn't pull someone into yours without their consent.

I feel like, in mythology, Neptune is just a copy of Poseidon

Like whoever created Neptune literally read what Poseidon’s main powers were and was like “Ctrl C”

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

Life is like a penis.

It's all relaxed freely hanging, and then a woman comes and makes it hard.

I have a fondness for "technically true" jokes, like these:

Did you know that the average person has an above-average number of legs? After all, most people have two legs, while a few have none.

Did you know that if you shuffle a deck of cards, the resulting order has likely never existed before in the history of the universe?

Eve...

Little girl goes up to her father and says "Daddy talk like a frog"

Dad says "get out of here, talk like a frog." The next day again the little girl says "daddy talk like a frog."
Dad says "I told you yesterday beat it with the frog stuff."
Again on the next day she says to her dad "Daddy please can you talk like a frog?"
Her dad looks at her an...

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

How is a marriage like a hurricane?

In the beginning there’s a lot of sucking and blowing but at the end you lose your house.

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...

Success is like a fart.

It only bothers people when it's not their own.

My girlfriend said I treat her like a dog.

I said, "that's a big stretch."

How is Donald Trump like a jack-o-lantern?

They are both orange, round and should be thrown out in early November.

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Life is like a dick

it gets hard for no reason and it's much shorter than you expected it to be.

A wife is like a hand grenade...

remove the ring and your house is gone!

Europe is like a fridge

You have the freezing cold part at the top.

Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection.

Then, down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease.

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A woman's asshole is like a 9-volt battery.

You know you shouldn't, but sooner or later you're going to put your tongue on it.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age.

The next day she locked me in the cellar.

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pro...

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Sex is like a poorly explained joke.

I don't get it.

What has 6 eyes, 16 tentacles and quacks like a duck?

I don't know either but it's in my kitchen please help.

At the risk of sounding like a Karen, I just wanna know why...

...do birds suddenly appear, every time, you are near.

My wife asked me to stop acting like a flamingo

I had to put my foot down.

The Omicron Variant is like a Katy Perry song.

Mild but pretty catchy.

My girlfriend told me that she wanted to be treated like a princess...

So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France

Women say they like a man who is "funny" and "spontaneous"

But you knock on their bedroom window at midnight wearing a clown costume and suddenly it's all screaming and throwing things and police sirens.

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How is religion like a penis?

Its perfectly acceptable to have one, you can even be proud of it, but its not the best idea to go waving it around in other peoples faces

...and you especially shouldn't shove it down the throats of children

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My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man

So I stuck it in her ass and said "yeah, you like that Steve?"

How is a toddler like a cell phone?

If you can't find it in three days it's probably dead.

Friends are like a trampoline

I always wanted a trampoline

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What winks and fucks like a tiger?

*winks*

When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother...

We are from the south so things are going good.

Last Halloween, my friend Lucy dressed up like a cat burglar on a jewel heist.

Lucy….in disguise with diamonds.

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My girlfriend surprised me tonight: she dressed up sexy like a police woman, handcuffed me to the bed and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

2 minutes later I was released due to lack of evidence.

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Why are boobs like a train set?

They're meant for children, but Dads love playing with them too!

“Does a photon going through two slits act like a particle or a wave?”

“Well, it depends on how you look at it…”

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My penis is like a joke on reddit..

People seeing it for the first time usually laugh.

And those who have seen it before get mad that they’re seeing it again.

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My love is like a candle...

Because if you forget about me I will burn your fucking house to the ground.

Donald Trump is like a marshmallow...

He's easy to roast, a little orange on top, catches fire easily, and will melt down when he gets under too much heat.

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My little brother wanted to be treated like a prince...

...So I slit his throat while he was sleeping to ensure he didn't lay claim to my crown.

Life is like a helicopter

I have no idea how to operate a helicopter

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My life is like a penis with legs chasing a vagina with legs.

It’s just one fucking thing after another

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A drunk blonde woman was sitting at a bar says to the barman, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn."

The barman mixes her drink and puts in down in front of her.

A few minutes later, she calls him over and says, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn." He rolls his eyes but mixes her drink anyway and sets it down in front of her.

A few minutes later, she waves him over agai...

My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.

But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.

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My wife says she feels like a dog...

I said "that makes sense, you've been a real bitch lately..."
Now I don't get to see my son.

There's this girl I know, and I'm like a god to her.

Because I'm always watching her.

And she's never seen me.

I'm like a non-newtonian fluid.

You have to hit me to make me hard.

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Some times this world makes me feel like a clogged toilet.

I just can't take any more of this shit.

GRANPA, GRANPA CROAK LIKE A FROG

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"W...

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest...

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read.

After a few minutes the man tu...

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‪A mobile phone is like a penis.‬

Fun to play with in private, but should never be pulled out at the dinner table..

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