UPJOKE

In Touch Jokes

I got in touch with my inner self today.

I'm never using cheap toilet paper again.

I’m really in touch with my inner self today.

Really need to buy 2 ply tissue.

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side

So i crashed the car and then ignored her all day for no reason.

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawking.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.

Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,

there is a stairway to heaven.

My wife told me that I should be more in touch with my feminine side…

…so I went out and wrecked the car…then I got mad at her for the way she looked at me, 4 years ago.

How do crabs keep in touch with each other?

On shellphones!

How do plants stay in touch?

FaceThyme

What do astronauts use to keep in touch with friends and family?

Spacebook.

At breakfast, a man asked his wife “What would you do I if won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half, and then leave you.”

“Great,” he said “I won $12 yesterday. Here’s $6. Stay in touch.”

Last time I hung out with Matthew McConaughey I said "Keep in touch"...

He replied back "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write"

I got in touch with my inner self today...

I wiped a bit too thoroughly. Gonna go wash my hands now...

Her: I like a guy who's in touch with his feminine side

Me: (trying to impress her) I'm on my period

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No Sex Tonight!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

Why can't any of the others elements ever get in touch with Sodium?

Because it's always NA.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I still keep in touch with my ex We give each other presents on the day we broke up. Last year she gave me a pile of shit. This year I'm giving her a car

She'll never know what hit her

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