UPJOKE

If I Was A Jokes

This guy asked me if I was a time traveler

I said, “not right now.”

If I was a cop I would be ticketing people for not using their turn signals..

Left and right

I was asked at my last job interview if I was a natural born citizen?

I had to tell the truth: "Nope. Cesarean!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl asked me if I was a breast or thigh man and I said I was more into pussy and ass.

I am now banned from KFC.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in a job interview. The guy asked me if I was a risk taker.

I said yes.

He said how.

I said I once clicked the category 'Other' on PornHub.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist asked me if I was a stress eater. I said of course I'm not a stress eater.

If I could eat stress, I wouldn't need to eat all this food when I'm stressed out!

If I was a rapper,I would name myself Snickers

Because M&M is already taken.

If I was a toy then what toy would I be?

Choking hazard for 12 and below.

If I was a Drag Queen

My name would be Lola Bido.

If I was a cannibal I'd only eat women.

Because they're seedless.

If I was a Medium I'd pretend to channel Marshall McLuhan..

then just sit there silently with a smug look on my face.

If I was a shape I would be a Hexahectahexaheptahexagon.

I'm super edgy, my plane of existence is pointless, and that's how I roll.

If I was a DJ...

I'd wanna be called JD Dyslexic.

If I was a storm, do you know what kind of storm I would be?

A Tropical Depression

My girlfriend asked me "if I was a vegetable, what would I be"?

Apparently the answer she was looking for was "a Cute cumber", not "single"...whoops

My 6 year old just told me if I was a Pokemon I would be a Pikapoo

I said “if you were a Pokemon you’d be Alakadopted”

If I was a vampire I would have to avoid blood type B-.

It brings me down.

If I was a smart thief, do you know what I would rob?

A book store.

If I was a pro-life picketer

My sign would say "You Can't De-Fetus!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a girl asked me if I was a tits or an ass man..

so I said, well my friends always tell me, "You're an ass, man!"

Ba dum tiss.

So I was rubbing down this broad at my massage therapy job, and I asked if her husband was paying.

She asked if i was a misogynist.

I said "Listen honey, its pronounced masseuse."

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