UPJOKE

I Went To The Doctors Jokes

I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight

Sigh...

I went to the doctors recently

He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”

I went to the doctors with hearing problems...

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
So I replied "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair"

I went to the doctors....

To get the results of my blood test. He said everything is okay my cholesterol was a little high but nothing to worry about. He also told me I was allergic to rice. I wondered why I got out of breath everytime I ate rice. Apparently I'm Basmatic.

I went to the doctors and said

"every time I drink a cup of tea or coffe, I get a shooting pain in my eye"

Doctors said "just take the spoon out the cup next time".

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I went to the doctors' this morning...

"It's my testicles, doctor." I told her. "One of them isn't normal."

"Excuse me?" She said, rather abruptly. "Are these your certificates on the wall? Did you spend the best part of a decade earning a medical degree? Is that your name on this office door? Are YOU a doctor?"


"Err, n...

I went to the doctors because I’ve suddenly acquired a fear of flying

The thinks it could be a terminal illness

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I went to the doctors office the other day and found out ...

...my new doctor is a young, female, and drop-dead gorgeous.

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional, I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and il check it out."

I said, "My wife thinks my dick tastes funny".

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I went to the doctors yesterday.

Me: I've hurt my penis in a surfing accident.

Doctor: Did you fall off your board?

Me: No I slammed my laptop shut when the Wife walked in.

I went to the doctors wanting a brain transplant

They changed my mind

I went to the doctors because I was sad I couldn't complete the crossword..

He told me not to get 2 down

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I went to the doctors for some butt cream

I called the doctor the next day...

Me: Doctor, I’ve had quite a reaction from applying this cream you’ve given me

Doctor: oh really? Where did you apply it?

Me: on the bus.

I went to the Doctors

He asked "What's the matter?"

I said "I'm too easy going. People always take advantage of my good nature"

He said "What do you want me to do?"

I said "I want you to refer me to a self-assertiveness course"

He said "No you don't"

I said "You're right, I don't"

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I went to the doctors because I had a lettuce stuck up me arse.

All he did was apply a dressing

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I went to the doctors and said I can only get sexualy stimulated by chickpeas and garlic

He said "don't worry, you're just humous-sexual"

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I went to the doctors for the first time in a long while. He told me I had a piece of lettuce hanging out of my ass

I told him it’s just the tip of the iceberg

I wasn’t feeling so good and so I went to the doctors

I told the doctor that I haven’t been feeling so well lately.

The doctor proceeded to ask me questions and do some tests.

He came to the conclusion that I was not getting enough exercise and therefore advised me to do so.

So, based on the doctors advice, for the next month, i...

I went to the doctors for my physical last week...

While the doctor was checking my prostate, I told him to put another finger in there...I wanted a second opinion.

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I went to the doctors office the other day.

When I was there I said to him:”Hey doc, whatsup! Nice small but dark room you got here!”

He started yelling at me:”Get the fuck out, I’m taking a shit!”

I went to the doctors yesterday. After my checkup I told them I was just trying to stay positive.

I don't know why they looked so concerned.

I was feeling a bit down so I went to the doctors.

Thankfully it was just a scare. I still have 46 chromosomes.

I went to the doctors as I had a strawberry growing out of my ear.

He put some cream on it.

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I went to the doctors and told him that whenever I pass wind it sounds like I’m saying the name of a Japanese car. ...

He asked me to lay on the couch and pushed and prodded just as it happened again.
“Arhh! I can see your problem. You have an abscess. And an abscess always makes the fart go Honda”.

I went to the doctors with a lettuce just poking out of my bottom...

The doctor asked why I was so concerned. I replied, I think it's just the tip of the iceberg

So I woke up this morning with a bit of bacon growing out of each ear, i went to the doctors he examined me and this was his final diagnosis...

I can't be cured...

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I went to the doctors the other day.

I said "every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm!"

"Have you been taking anything for it?" He asked.

"Yeah, pepper"

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