UPJOKE

I Used To Think Jokes

I used to think chiropractic adjustments didn't work.

I stand corrected

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I used to think all black people had boomboxes

then I realized that was just a stereo type

I used to think that alcohol was bad to my health

So i quit thinking.

I used to think orthotics were pretty dumb until I started using them

I stand corrected

I used to think women were objects.

But then it hit me.

I used to think no one cared what I have to say. Then I joined reddit

Now I know it's true.

I used to think I was indecisive.

But, now I'm not so sure.

I used to think the brain was the most important organ

Then I thought, look what’s telling me that

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I used to think correlation implies causation, but then I took a statistics class.

That may have helped me understand the difference, but I’m not too sure.

I used to think revenge was a dish best served cold...

But then I realized it meant getting back at somebody.

I used to think that sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me

Then I fell into a printing press.

\-Milton Jones

I used to think that crystal girls where stupid.

All their talk about how crystals would "align their chakras and give them powers" made me think they were dumb.

How could a rock give them powers?

But then I tried crack.

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When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears

so you can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches.

I used to think I understood the Dunning-Kruger effect...

but the more I look into it, the less sure I am.

I used to think I was bad at dating in high school as I never had a girlfriend.

Prince Andrew must have been way worse, he was 45 when he got a high school girlfriend!

I used to think the "CE" in "BCE" stood for "Christ Entrance"

It's a common error

I used to think I was trapped inside a woman's body

Then I was born

I used to think that Lake Superior was pretty arrogant.

But if you think about it..
All the Great Lakes are completely full of themselves.

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My mom washed and combed my hair every day when I was a kid. I used to think it was so sweet and now I am horrified by it...

All those years, she was grooming me
Sick bitch...

I used to think two was the only word that started with TW...

but then I checked twice, and sure enough it does too.

I used to think Pomegranate was a stone fruit...

Pom-a-granite

I used to think air was always free

Until I bought a bag of chips

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I used to think capital letters weren't important

Then I helped my Uncle Jack off his horse

I used to think that 12 AM and 12 PM were the same thing...

I can’t believe I ever thought that. Those were different times.

I used to think that cardiac transplant surgery wasn't for me

But then I had a change of heart

I used to think an ocean of soda existed.

But it was just a Fanta sea.

I used to think skipping to the ends of stories would save time...

...but then I learned to stop jumping to conclusions.

I used to think political jokes would go for the left.

I was Right.

I used to think that adulthood was one crisis after another. I was wrong.

It turns out, adulthood is multiple crises, concurrently.

I used to think I was a hypochondriac...

Till my shrink told me it was all in my head.

I used to think that Islamic countries were tight on their drug laws...

...but that can't be right. They still let women get stoned, don't they?

I used to think that putting ketchup on my glasses was a great way to clean them.

But in Heinz sight, I don't think that was such a good idea.

I used to think that "Lacrosse"...

Was what the French called that thing that Jesus carried on his back.

I used to think that a vasectomy prevented you from having a kid

Turns out it just changes the color (:

I used to think that I was really good at playing dumb,

now I'm not sure I was ever playing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to think I wasn't racist...

I thought of all the races and how I had nothing against them.
Then...
I realized...
I fucking hate running.

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I used to think I was good in bed.....

Until my girlfriend told me she had asthma.

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I used to think porn stars got paid alot

it turns out they've been getting shafted

I used to think I was into necrophilia, sadism, and bestiality...

once I tried it, I realised I was just beating a dead horse.

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I used to think I was homophobic.

It turns out that I was just afraid of monsters in the closet.

I used to think I was schizophrenic.

But then the voices in my head said I was fine.

I used to think there were fig-flavoured mentos

but they were fig mints of my imagination.

I used to think the earth was flat...

But that was an all-round bad idea.

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I used to think doing "the helicopter" in public was socially acceptable

But apparently, it's considered a dick move

I used to think math was useless.

But then one day I realized that decimals had a point.

I used to think that alcohol would help me get through my problems

It didn't help me solve anything. it was really just a solven't.

I used to think my drawings made me autistic...

it turns out my Grandma was just from Boston.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to think my ex hated me, but she just paid me a compliment...

She said I was the biggest dick she ever slept with.

I used to think the USA stood first and foremost for freedom and equality...

Turns out it stands for United States of America


ALTERNATE JOKE:

I used to think the USA stood first and foremost for freedom and equality...

Turns out that was my imagine nation

I used to think cannibals must have gotten fed up eating the same thing over and over again

but then I realized they have all of the same options as we do, Mexican, Italian, Chinese..

I used to think I had bad taste, but then I met my girlfriend

and now I know what someone with bad taste really looks like.

When I was a kid I used to think I had a photographic memory.

All of my memories were blurred and cut off at the neck.

It was an amateur photographic memory.

I used to think my Karate instructor was very wise.

However, yesterday my pregnant neighbour Mrs. Wong and her husband rushed to hospital.

When they came back today they had the baby with them so I figured I'd go say hi.

Strangest thing! The baby is Caucasian!

I couldn't believe my eyes, this whole time my instructor had been lyi...

I used to think I could draw conclusions from small samples...

...after only a few statistics classes, I realized I couldn't.

Every statistics professor I've had has told me to disregard trends in small samples, but I haven't taken that many classes so I can't be sure.

I used to think I was descended from the Irish but thanks to a search on Ancestry.com…

…it turns out I'm just a drunk…

There's a guy in my neighbourhood who I used to think was really weird. I'd always see him out walking his rabbit. The rabbit was always in a different outfit. One day a frock. One day a skirt. One day a suit-jacket combo. Then it multiplied into a flock of rabbits, all wearing really niche clothes.

Eventually, curiosity got the better of me and I approached him and asked "excuse me sir, I can't help but notice your entourage of dapper rabbits. Can I ask what you do?"

He replied "Oh I'm a hare stylist."

When I was young, I used to think that wealth and power would bring me happiness. . . .

I was right.

As a younger man, I used to think women were only good for one thing...

As I've gotten older I've realized......I'm better at doing that myself too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to think Science and Religion didn't mix, but my Astronomy professor is always talking about how sexy angels are

We even had an entire chapter devoted to Celestial Bodies, and let me tell you, some of them are incredibly hot.

Back in the 60s,my little brother thought he could communicate with the trees and i used to think he had some mental issues...

That is until i was drafted to Vietnam

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