UPJOKE

I Used To Jokes

I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes.

I still do. But I used to too.

I used to like Mitch Hedberg jokes...

I still do, but I used to, too.

18 years ago, today, we lost one of the greats.
R.I.P. to a legend.

I used to be Christian....

Her: I used to be Christian.

Him: It’s all right, I don’t really care for those sorts of things.

Her; Thank god! It’s so much better now that I’m Christine!

I used to tell dad jokes.

He's dead now though.

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

I used to be into sadism, bestiality and necrophilia!

But then I figured I was just flogging a dead horse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to have sex daily...

Then Reddit taught me it was just dyslexia...

When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room and I used to clean his.

We were maid for each other.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to love joking about anal sex until I actually tried it.

Now I'm slightly torn...

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I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them

I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’

You've probably seen our posters.

Nsfw. I tell people my ex and I used to 96...

It's like 69, but you lay down facing away from each other and there's no touching.

I used to get sad remembering the day Mitch Hedberg died….

I still do, but I used to, too.

RIP

I used to get angry every time I see someone say “Trump 2020”.

If only I knew it was an expiration date.

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I used to think all black people had boomboxes

then I realized that was just a stereo type

I used to date a girl who was missing a shin.





Her name was Eileen. She had a brother who was missing both shins. His name was Neil.

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I used to have a German girlfriend... [NSFW]

We used to rate our sexual experiences out of 10.

We tried anal once and she yelled out 9! 9! the whole time

My best ever score.

I used to date a woman who was a little person.

I was nuts over her!

I used to have a rare psychological disorder that made me think I was various bodies of water.

I'm well now.

i used to work in a fort cleaning the inside of cannons

then they fired me.

I used to be scared of pretty girls,

So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.

I used to date a girl who was a fan of “Lion king” like me.

Whenever we made out, she used to say Sukona ma tatas.

I always corrected her saying that it’s Hakuna matata.

I just realized that I am an idiot.

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I used to smoke weed and go to class...

Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

I used to be a male trapped in a females body...

Then I was born.

I used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid

A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel.

By the time I was 15, I owned my own house.

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I used to be a traveling salesman.

One day when I solicited a home a young child answered the door. He was wearing pantyhose, a far too big housecoat, and nothing else. He held a lit cigarette in one hand and I could see an open bottle of whiskey on the table of the foyer.
I asked him "Are your parents home?"
After a long drag ...

I used to really enjoy political jokes...

Unfortunately, too many of them got elected.

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

When I was young I used to sniff gasoline to get high…

These days we switched to cocaine to save some money.

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I used to be good at telling jokes

But now I always seem to punch up the fuckline.

Wife: I used to be a Christian.

Husband: Well that's fine by me
Wife: Thanks, I'm much happier being a Christine now!

I used to be addicted to soap....

I'm clean now.

I used to run a dating service for chickens

but I was struggling to make hens meet.

I used to have an addiction to ham.

But now I'm cured.

I used to work at a bank,

an old lady came in and asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over

I used to be a lifeguard at a public pool....

Until this blue kid got me fired.

I used to be a baker...

...but I couldn't make enough dough.

I used to think that alcohol was bad to my health

So i quit thinking.

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I used to date a twin

People would ask me alll the time, "how do you tell them apart?" And I'd reply, "Well it's simple you see, Jill would always paint her nails blue, and john had a cock."

I used to rip off famous comedians' jokes to post on Reddit for easy karma.

I still do, but I used to, too.

I used to be an executioner at the gallows but I got fired

I could never get the hang of it

I used to be in a reggae band once. I played the triangle.

I ended up leaving though, it was just one ting after another.

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I used to smoke after sex, but I stopped.

Since I started using lube.

When I was younger,I used to love making sandcastles with my grandmother

Until my mom started hiding the urn

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What am I in for? Well, I used to be a zookeeper, you see...

One day, my boss calls me into her office, and she tells me she's trying to breed dolphins, and she wants my help. And I hear that, and I'm all in, great way to move up in my industry.

So she tells me she's trying to mate these two dolphins, but they're not feeling frisky. She tells me she ha...

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I used to date twins...

... and people always asked me how I could tell them apart during sex.

I told them I used this simple little method:

You see, Sophie always had red nail polish on her toenails and Steve had a dick.

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I used to be addicted to Viagra…

… hardest time of my life!

I used to love beans

Until I met Broccoli. Then I had a change of fart.

I used to think chiropractic adjustments didn't work.

I stand corrected

I used to go to Weight Watchers to meet women.

There were tons of girls there, just not very many.

I used to dance the Hokey Pokey compulsively

but then I turned myself around.

I used to work for a soft drink can crusher

It was soda pressing

I used to work in a calender factory.

I got fired for taking a few days off.

I used to have a fear of speed bumps

But I'm slowly getting over it

I used to own a racing snail...

It never won though. To improve its performance I removed its shell but, if anything, it made it more sluggish

I used to be a TERRIBLE procrastinator

Now I'm great at it, I get zero things done.

I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers

I had to quit cold turkey

When I was young, I used to pray to the Lord everyday to give me a bike.

But then I realised it doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.

Every year for Valentine’s Day I used to always get a card from a secret admirer. This is the first year where I haven’t received anything.

First my granny dies, now this?

I used to think no one cared what I have to say. Then I joined reddit

Now I know it's true.

I used to play piano by ear.

I had to stop because of the bruises.

I used to love building sandcastles with my grandma

But my parent's eventually found it creepy and glued the urn shut

I used to think women were objects.

But then it hit me.

I used to think orthotics were pretty dumb until I started using them

I stand corrected

Bondage is so much easier now we're older. I used to have to blindfold her.

Now I just hide her glasses.

I used to say 'Only the sky is the limit'

Guess that's why I lost my job at NASA.

Did you know, I used to own a airplane company?

We sold planes with no wings,

But it never really took off.

I used to be a theatrical electrician

We had a joke that went:

How tall is an electrician?
Beats me, I never saw one stand up.

I used to work as a programmer at auto correct.

They fried me for no reason

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I used to bang a set of twins...

People always asked how I could tell them apart. I said it's easy, Mary always paints her nails purple and George has a cock.

I used to work for an origami company

Until it folded

Back in the day I used to weightlift like crazy.

I'm a history buff

I used to be a forklift operator

…but there were way too many ups and downs for me.

So I got a job for a while resurfacing ice rinks, although I never really warmed to it.

I got some work fixing clocks that were running slowly, but I found the hours were just too long.

And when I tried my hand at being a baker...

I used to have a pet cigarette because I couldn’t afford a dog

Every night I would take her out for a drag.

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I used to be a necrophiliac

but the rotten bitch split on me.

I used to wonder how lightning worked.

Then it struck me.

I used to hate beards…

But then it grew on me.

I used to date my english teacher

but she broke up with me due to incorrect use of the colon

I used to have a Ford Focus.

Then after I left a bunch of Tequila in the glove compartment it turned into a Ford Fiesta.

I used to wake up grumpy

Now I just let her sleep in

I used to work at an unemployment office...

which sucked, because when they fired me, I still had to show up the next day.

I used to play around with time machines.

When I was older.

I used to be in a band called Pangea…

but then we drifted apart and split up

I used to walk up to the counter and the bartender would know my by name

Now it’s my pharmacist.

I used to date a cross-eyed girl.

I stopped when I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

I used to hitchhike by the side of the road, but it never got me anywhere. So I started hitchhiking in the middle of the road.

Which got me a free bed and some food for a while.

I used to work at a chemical factory, but I had to quit

It was a toxic environment

I used to have a split personality

But I don't anymore, and neither do I

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Shaving with a straight razor takes a lot of courage. I used to shave my privates with one

But I don't have the balls to do that anymore.

I used to think the brain was the most important organ

Then I thought, look what’s telling me that

I used to think I was indecisive.

But, now I'm not so sure.

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I used to be a boob doctor (yes that is the technical term)…

There were a lot of good times and a lot of bad times


A lot of ups and downs



But over all, I’m thankful for all the mammaries

I used to be ugly, but then I bought an acoustic guitar

Now I'm ugly and annoying

I used to have a weird fetish surrounding my abilities to see, touch, hear, smell and feel

I came to my senses

I used to be a banker...

But I lost interest.

I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36DDs.

I had no idea how to pronounce her name.

I used to date a girl called Sue Denim....

Until I found out that it wasn't her real name.

I used to run a pro-life debate team.

No one could de-fetus.

I used to cough in public to hide my farts.

But nowadays, I am farting in public to hide my coughs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to think correlation implies causation, but then I took a statistics class.

That may have helped me understand the difference, but I’m not too sure.

I used to live paycheck to paycheck

But now I can happily say that after years of hard work and perseverance; I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

My friend and I used to make frequent conjugal visits to an all-female prison to help lift their spirits.

And it also gave us some scents of perp-puss.

I used to get really aroused by epiphanies but

I've come to the realisation it's a weird kink to have

I used to have a great job in a cattery but I had to pack it in

They reduced meowers

I used to tell a lot of jokes about airplane crashes...

...but they never landed well.

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