UPJOKE

I Took My Wife To Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took my wife to the doctor’s to sort our her Tourette’s.

Turns out she she doesn’t have it after all. I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.

I took my wife to Subway today.

I asked the girl, can you make me a sandwich please.

She said no problem sir.

I turned to the wife and said, see how hard was that...

I took my wife to a restaurant

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

For our 25th anniversary, I took my wife to Hawaii...

...and for our 26th I plan to go back and get her.

I took my wife to a wife swapping party last night...

I took my wife to a wife swapping party last night, I did quite well, I got a set of socket spanners for her.

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour.

Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.

I took my wife to the beach today and now she’s mad at me. I thought she wanted to watch me drop frozen waffles along the shore and trick a bunch of communists into eating them.

After all, I could’ve sworn she said her dream was to see the sandy Eggo commie con.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) I took my wife to the doctor following a mystery Illness...

After pulling me to one side, he said "We've narrowed it down to one of two things. Either she has a chronic heart condition or she is riddled with Aids."

"What on earth am I going to do?" I asked.

He said "When you get home, send her out for a 10 mile jog and if she comes back, don't ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

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