UPJOKE

I T Jokes

My friend was shocked when I told him I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means.

I said “Relax. It’s not the end of the world.”

I don’t think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds

Because every time I take them she goes away

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think there is a reason I can’t find my girlfriends Clitoris

But I just can’t put my finger on it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told this girl I have a huge dick and she said I don’t like big dick.

So I said, Do you like liars?

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.

When he found out he was madder than hell.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to find a porn director willing to hire me as a performer, but I couldn't...

Apparently I didn't look hard enough.

*(As you can probably tell by how stupid it is, I wrote this one myself.)*

I took a girl back to my apartment and she said, “You don’t have too much experience in taking off bras, do you?”

Me: What gave me away?

Her: The scissors, mostly.

I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore...

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

My boyfriend didn’t believe me when I told him ‘very’ is an adjective

“It’s an adverb!”

Those were his very words.

I wa‌‌s crossin‌‌g th‌‌e stree‌‌t whe‌‌n ‌‌I suddenl‌‌y notice‌‌d m‌‌y e‌‌x gettin‌‌g ru‌‌n ove‌‌r b‌‌y ‌‌a bus‌‌

I though‌‌t t‌‌o myself‌‌, "Wow‌‌! Tha‌‌t coul‌‌d hav‌‌e bee‌‌n me!"

The‌‌n ‌‌I remembere‌‌d ‌‌I don't know how to driv‌‌e ‌‌a bus

I told my wife that what she’s wearing isn’t appropriate for gardening.

But..she’s digging in her heels.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.