UPJOKE

I Tell Jokes

Nsfw. I tell people my ex and I used to 96...

It's like 69, but you lay down facing away from each other and there's no touching.

When people ask me about the product I sell I tell them people are dying to use it.

When I tell them it's life insurance, they look at me funny.

I tell ya, my wife treats me like a god.

At every meal, she gives me burnt offerings.

I tell ya, my wife is a lousy cook.

After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count 'em!

It's rough I tell ya

My wife tried to tickle my funny bone

I asked why do you keep pointing at my pants

She said that's what I look at when I need a good laugh

When I tell people my parents have 15 children, they ask me if they are practicing Catholics.

At this point, I don't think you call it practicing anymore.

Did I tell you the joke about the Paper?

It’s tearable.

Every morning I tell myself, "You have so much within you. You can do it!"

And then I sit on the toilet.

Every morning I tell my wife that I'm going jogging, but I never go...

It's a running joke.

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

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Whenever I tell a girl I’ve never been blown to orgasm, they often want to suck my dick just to prove me wrong.

Unfortunately they never succeed.

I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad

I’m a faux pa.

can i tell you a vegan joke?

i promise it wont be cheesy

People always ask what's so special about my chiropractor. I tell them she's so funny ...

She cracks me up.

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Did I tell you about this reoccurring dream I keep having, the one where i masturbate into the ocean?

Comes in waves.

(oc)

Whenever someone asks me what kind of car do I drive, I tell them,

"I drive the car that Jesus drove." This usually gets confused looks and once and a while, an nuh-uh. I tell them I'm serious. "In the bible, Jesus says, I do not speak of my own Accord."

When people are scared of my dogs I tell them...

"They eat kibble not people"

And when they relax I add:

"But that's because I ran out of neighbors"

(I actually say that)

Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased,,,

I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3 AM screaming and covered in my own urine.

I tell it in the wrong order.

Why am i bad at telling jokes?

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When I tell women about my 12” donkey dick...

They’re like “ooh I want to see it”


But when I take it out of the freezer, they’re all “I have to be going.”

Did I tell you about the time my friend had a heart attack while driving his Caddy?

We call it his Cadillac Escalade cardiac escapade.

I tell all my dates I'm an open book.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fifth edition.

People get impressed when I tell them my home is designed by a famous Italian.

Until I invite them home and they realize I live in a Fiat.

Hey Trump supporters, can I tell you a joke about the wall?

Never mind, you won’t get it.

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So I was at the golf course the other day for a quick 18 but i got stuck behind this guy who was slicing his tee shot or just missing the ball entirely, but he wouldn't wave me past. I tells ya by the fourth hole I was getting pissed off and joked "geez mate what's your handicap?"

"I'm blind" he says

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Every time I tell a joke, I end up shitting myself.

But my humor has always tended to be a little self-defecating.

Did I tell you why 10+10 equals 11+11?

Because 10+10 equals twenty, and 11+11 equals twenty too!

Did I tell you about my friend in Africa named Dwayne?

I haven’t seen him in a while.

I miss Dwayne... down in Africa.

Since it my cake day i tell one of my favorite joke

There was this substitute teacher how had just finished teaching the lesson and was busy getting everyone working and was down to just one student not working and he ask the student why he wasn't working, the student said tell me a joke and i will. And than the teacher waving his hands at the stude...

Did I tell y’all that music was coming out of my printer?

The papers were jamming.

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A lot of people seem surprised when I tell them I regularly have sex with my boss

One of the many perks of self employment.

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I tell my wife I'm close to 60,000 Karma on my Reddit, and she says the only Karma I need in my life is her..

I reminded her Karma's a Bitch..

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Oldie, but no one I tell has ever heard it

One day there was a bunny hopping through the forest when he comes across a deer rolling up a joint.

The bunny says "Mr. Deer...don't waste your life on drugs. Prance through the forest with me and be free!" Mr. Deer thinks "Ya know...he's right. What am I doing with my life?"

So he p...

Did I tell you the story of Yogi developing a stutter?

It bears repeating.

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No one believes when I tell them I can suck my own dick

I will admit, it is a stretch...

I tell old dad jokes to my kids.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fshhhhhh

My girlfriend said that if I tell her a good joke she'll try deepthroat

A gag for a gag

I tell my friends I’m there for them 24/7.

It sounds better than saying I'm there for them on the 24th of July.

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Whenever I tell my friends about something I’ve done I always seem to make myself out to be gay, even though I’m not

I just can’t get my stories straight

Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.

It’s a running joke I have

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Did I tell you about my trick for getting to the front of the line at gas stations?

I call it my gas trick bypass.

Nurse comes in and tells the doctor “there is a man in the waiting room that says he is invisible. What should I tell him?”

Doctor replies, “tell him I can’t see him today. “

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A man walks up to a topless girl on the beach. 'can I tell you a joke about my dick? No wait, it's to long.' The girl looks at him and replies: 'Want to hear a joke about my vagina?'

'No wait, you'll never get it.'

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Best joke that I tell...got it from this sub over a year ago

A young American tourist just arrived in the Irish Countryside for vacation.



He steps into the nearest pub for a pint, and sits down near this old haggard man.



The old man looks over at the Tourist and says:



"Young man, do you see this Pub? I built this P...

Did I tell you about the guy who was dating a girl with a lazy eye?

The broke up because she was seeing someone on the side

My postman friend gets really angry when I tell everyone what he does for a living.

I call him a mail escort.

Did I tell you about the foot that became a superhero?

What a leg end.

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Sometimes I tell people something and.they already knew what I was talking about so tell me “if I had a dime every time I heard that “

Dude that would be a weird fucking way to make some money.

Whenever people tell me smoking is bad for me, I tell them that my great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old.

And when they say "did she smoke her whole life" I say "no, but she was real good at minding her own business"

Hey did I tell you I need to get stomach surgery?

I'm kinda nervous because the surgeons name is Dr Hans R. Shakey

People ask whether I’ll make cheese in my afterlife. I tell them,

“There’s no whey in hell.”

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Woman in the 1800s becomes very upset after seeing the painting an artist had done for her. She says to him, "I tell you I want a painting commemorating my husband's last thoughts, and you give me cows with halos and Indians making love?”

"Miss," he says. "Those are your husband's last thoughts." "Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians."

I tell bad chemistry jokes because the good ones

Argon

Did I tell you about the time I met Beyonce?

It wasn't an official meeting. We aren't friends. But I was at the concert venue for work and she was performing that night. She must have been there for a sound check or something. I didn't even really know it was her at first. She came up to me and asked if I had seen her phone. It was gold and st...

My wife thinks I compulsively buy tools. I tell her it's really not a big deal....

It's my vice.

A good looking lady asks me what I have going on tonight, so I tell her me and a buddy of mine are going glasses shopping.

“Mhmmmm.. and after that?”

“After that, we’ll see”

Did I tell you I am putting together an expedition to capture the legendary Sasquatch?

If we're successful, it'll be no small feat.

Did I tell you about the time I took a bunch of crows to the asylum?

I committed a murder.

Did I tell you about my neighbor who is afraid of chickens?

He built a beautiful fence around his house. All the neighbors say it’s impeccable.

My roommate said that if I tell another dad joke he's cutting off my internet...

Hi cutting off my internet, I'm d-

My wife is turning 62 tomorrow. I tell her not to get too excited as she will only have one minute to enjoy it. Confused, she asked, "what do you mean?"

It's your sixty second birthday.

I don't know why people are surprised when I tell them my Grandfather Made it out of Auschwitz.

Most of the German officers did.

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My wife hates it when I tell her that she's just like her mother

Especially when we're having sex.

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I tell my dates I have a PhD in sex talk.

They are not as impressed when learning my dissertation was on the "effects of female ultrasonic vocalization on male impotence in rats"

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I got a wife with problems, it's awful I tell you!

She likes to talk during sex. Last week she called me from the Hotel.

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[NSFW] I tell people i'm more of a tits guy

But really I just have a bird fetish.

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Did I tell you about my Viagra addiction?

It was the hardest 6 months of my life.

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I don’t accept nudes, I tell the girls to cover up

Go ahead, send me a nude and see what I say

I tell people that I’m so poor I have to go to sleep for dinner and they seem to pity me

Saying I’m so poor I have to wake up for breakfast doesn’t bring the same reaction though

Every weekend I tell myself "John, you gotta quit drinking man"

Good thing my name's not John..

Did I tell you about the time I was nearly killed with a broom?

It was a brush with death.

Before every barbecue I tell myself I'll eat healthy and stick to the salads.

But then my plan takes a turn for the wurst.

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A man goes into a bar and orders for a beer. "Here's what you do, you give me a fresh new bottle each time I finish until I tell you to stop." he tells the bartender

The bartender sees nothing wrong with his request, and nods.

Immediately the man downs his beer, pulls out his wallet, looks at a picture, and downs another bottle. He does this routinely until he reaches 10 bottles at which he finally takes out money from his wallet, pays for the beers, and ...

Bored on lunch, here's one I tell often.

Two hillbilly kids.. Darla and Buckwheat are at school The teacher asks Darla, 'How do you spell 'dumb'?"
Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."
She responds, "Buckwheat is dumb."

"Now spell 'stupid'."
Darla says, "s-t-u-p-i-d."
Th...

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I was having sex with my girlfriend while watching tv, she suddenly says "wrong hole!!" I tell her, no im pretty sure its a winning hole

we were watching golf

To people who wave a paper to cool yourself, I tell you

not a fan

I tell my wife to buy good quality products but she always gets cheap junk.

The only thing in our house that doesn't suck is the vacuum cleaner.

I tell you what makes my blood boil,

faulty spacesuits.

Did I tell you about my doctor. He gave me 6 months to live

I couldn't pay him so he gave me six more

Well, that's the last time I tell my girlfriend to sit on my face...

whilst doing a Sean Connery impersonation.

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What does my girlfriend say when I tell her "You're as sexy as the day I met you."?

Stop saying that, we met in the 6th grade.

Did I tell you I ran over my mother-in-law's foot the other day with the lawn mower?

I told my wife we should have buried her deeper.

When I tell someone I am 5'9" tall, they say I'm a little short

But when I tell them I'm 69 inches tall, they say "Nice!".

Whenever I tell people about my suicide attempts, they all say that I should get help.

Literally no one is ever actually willing to solder the wires or tie a proper noose for me though.

I'm doing a science experiment on comedy where I tell people a joke and see their reaction.

Welcome to the control group.

What jokes can I tell my girlfriends dad

My girlfriends dad is a jokester and likes to tell jokes at the dinner table, he asks me if I know any jokes but I never do. Any help here reddit? Something that is funny and appropriate. But nothing that asks a question, preferably a story type joke

Can I tell you an egg joke? Its gonna “crack” you up!

Sorry I got so eggcited I forgot what the yolk was.

People are surprised when I tell them that I have a 4.0GPA while working and maintaining an active social life

But hey, anything is possible if you lie.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip?

I was heels over head!!

When i go to the zoo and i tell them i wanna look at my favorite animal you know what they do?

Give me a mirror.

A lady in college complains about how it's taking so long to get through school. I tell her I know, I went for 8 years.

I'm still happy I stopped going after the 8th grade.

If I tell people about my mancave I'm a "bro"...

But if I talk about my womancave I'm a "kidnapper".

My wife keeps insisting that I tell her my favorite body part and vegetable

I told her eye yam but she doesnt listen

Sometimes I tell people that I know a little Italian, but that’s a lie.

For god sakes he’s only 5’7” “little” seems kinda harsh

I tell myself everyday that I should stop doing drugs.

But I’m not listening to a weirdo who is high all the time and talks to himself.

When people ask me and my wife how long we've been married, I tell them, "Ten wonderful years!"

"Fourteen total."

I get no respect, I tell ya

The other day I tell the cabbie "To the hospital!"

So he backed over me.

Him: All my female sheep ate some fermented berries and have gotten drunk and passed out, should I tell the coroner?

Her: No, that's a ewe problem; not a ME problem.

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Whenever a girl approaches me for sex I tell her:

"Sorry, I'm trying to beat Andy Stitzer's world record."

So far so good, I haven't had to say that once.

Based on a true story.

Whenever a job interviewer asks what my strongest trait is, I tell them I’m responsible.

Because at my old job whenever something bad happened my coworkers would always say, “Eric is responsible.”

Did I tell you about my new Soviet bike?

For some reason it can only do one revolution and then it stops working.

Hey man, did I tell you I saw the author of Harry Potter when I was on ecstasy last night?

J.k. ... Rolling

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