UPJOKE

I Ran Jokes

I ran over 2 Miles yesterday

Such a coincidence that both unfortunate fellas had the same name.

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I ran into my wife’s ex.

He smarmily asked, “How do you like that used pussy?”

I told him, “It ain’t too bad once you get past the used part.”

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms...

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. "Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Just then, I realized I h...

I ran into Rick Astley today.

He borrowed my copy of Disney's "Up", but I doubt I'll ever see it again.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers

The Times are rough

I ran into my ex yesterday...

then backed the car up to make sure.

I saw two men beating a kid up, so naturally I ran over to help...

There's no way the kid could take on all three of us

I ran into a wall with a full erection this morning

I am hospitalized now because i broke my nose

I was hiking yesterday when suddenly I ran into a cougar

Almost made me puma pants

I had to break up with my girlfriend after I ran over her feet with a lawnmower...

I'm lactose intolerant.

Is it I 'ran' through the campground?

Or...I 'run' through the campground?

Oh right, I ran, because its past tents.

I ran the double slit experiment a dozen times with two of Schrodinger's cats.

Now my lab is full of interfering kittens..

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So, back when my wife and I just started dating, I ran into her asshole ex in the bar.

He said "Hey there **Gil**, how you doing with that second-hand pussy?"

I shrugged and said "After the first two inches it's just like a new one."

Walking down the road, I ran into a farmer's wife

She was dragging along a huge barrel full of tomatoes. I said, "Hey, what are you gonna do with all those tomatoes?" The farmer's wife said, "Well, we eat what we can. And what we can't, we can."

The other day, I ran out of apple juice

But I had a big box full of apples at home, so I thought I would try to make some myself.

I stared at that box for over an hour and nothing happened. Then I looked at the empty juice bottle again, and on the label it said "not from concentrate."

Boy did I feel foolish

I ran over Five Miles this morning

Looking back, Five Miles is a terrible name for a dog.

I Ran Into My Ex Today...

So I put it in reverse, and I did it again.

And again.

I ran 3 miles this morning

Finally I turned around and said, “here lady, just take your purse.”

A lot of people complain about reposts, but I ran the numbers and only about 0.2% of people actually repost jokes here

Earth has ~7 and a half billion people; this sub only has ~14 million

I ran out of toilet paper

and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.

Fun Fact, in the country I was born we really used leaves as toilet paper

I ran into my ex the other day.

Cleaning the mess off my car was totally worth it.

I ran 10 miles today.

Surprisingly hard when you're carrying 25 pounds of cocaine.

I ran into a French arborist and asked him how he was doing..

He said "Tree bien"

A Muslim guy dropped his wallet today, so I ran after him and gave it back to him.

He said “Thank you so much”
“Don’t go to the Liverpool game tonight” he added.
“Why?”I asked.
“ Because it’s tomorrow”

I once got high by snorting ground-up bones of a marine mammal, then I ran my neighbor over.

I did it on porpoise.

"Honey, do you remember this morning when I ran all over the place because I was so happy I found my keys again?"

"Erm yeah, was hard to miss, why?"
"... any idea where I could have put them afterwards?"

Trump: Siri, how many miles did i ran today?

Siri: Sending missiles to Iran today.

I ran my car into a pole late last night

The worst part was the awful sound it made, but I don't speak polish so I just kept driving

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I ran into a buddy last month and invited him to a party

He said, “no, thanks. I don’t go to parties anymore. It’s too embarrassing.“

“What do you mean?“

“Well, I always drink too much, and when I’m drunk I think it’s funny to piss in peoples’ flower pots. Then the next day, everybody’s talking about it, and it’s too embarrassing. So I just ...

I ran into a friend from high school i hadn’t seen in 25 years and wow he put on a lot of weight.

I asked him, “When’s the last time you ate a salad?”

He said, “96’maybe 97’…”

I exclaimed, “pounds ago!?

Today, I ran into the guy who sold me an antique globe years ago.

It’s a small world.

I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.

I yelled out, "Oasis!"

(originally posted in r/dadjokes by me, wanted to share it with y'all too)

I ran into an old friend the other evening.

Should have had the headlights fixed.

I ran over 10 miles today

Now that I think of it, ten miles was a bad name for a dog

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I ran over my neighbors cat this morning

I was running late for work and as I’m rushing out of the house I backed up without checking my surroundings. To my surprise I felt a bump and heard a yelp.

I get out of my car and instantly recognized my neighbors cat — I felt terrible. Feeling it was the right thing to do, I went and grabb...

I ran over a cat today.

Apparently, it had been run over eight times before.

I was trying to survive in the woods when I realized I ran out of toilet paper.

So I took a leaf out of Bear Grills’ book.

Today I ran out of toilet paper and had to resort to lettuce leaves.

Today was just the tip of the iceberg.

Today morning I ran about 5.5km in 15mins

Why can't people keep their large size dogs chained?

I ran into an old buddy today...

I hardly recognized him, he looked mostly the same, except he had a giant round orange head. I said, “what have you been up to? You look a little different...you have a giant round orange head.” He said, “well, it’s the craziest thing. I met a leprechaun, and he gave me three wishes.” I said, “that’...

Guess who I ran into when I went to get my glasses.

Everybody

I ran into the pub and shouted to my mate. “Dave! I’ve just saw your car being stolen."

He said “Didn’t you try to stop them?”

I said, “No, but don’t worry. I got the registration.”

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I ran into Hitler.

I was surprised to see him and asked him what he was up to.

“This time, I am going to kill 6 million Jews and 2 clowns!”

“Two clowns? Why are you going to kill two clowns?”

“See? Nobody cares about ze Jews!”

I ran away from fat camp

I guess it worked.

I ran into my old Emirati buddy back in college. But I couldn’t seem to remember his name.

Isn’t it Saad?

I ran out of carrots...

So I called a replacement...

But it didn't turnip

I ran into my ex-girlfriend the other day...

...then I backed up and ran into her again.

I miss her sometimes.

"You won't believe who I ran into today!"

"Who?"

"I don't know but she's in the hospital and I will probably lose my driving license."

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My Fitbit watch said I ran 15 miles last night...

I think it’s broken. I was just watching porn.

Sad moment today when I ran over a box of shrimp

Road Krill

I ran a red light.

So I stopped at a green one to make up for it.

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I ran into a old friend shopping yesterday

He was with a an attractive looking redhead when I said hi I asked him how he got rid of that bitchy old hag of a blonde he had and how did he get the good-looking red head.
The attractive looking red head then turned to me and said "I dyed my hair"

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said....

"Stop, don't do it!"


"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.


"Well, there's so much to live for!"


"Like what?"


"Are you religious?"


He said: "Yes."


I said: "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"


"Christian."


"Me too. Are ...

After years of training, I ran my first 5K alone!!

As a bank teller, it feels nice.

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I ran into the back of a car today.

A gorgeous leggy blond got out and said "Ram me up the arse, why don't you?"

And that, Your Honour, is where the confusion began....

I ran over my neighbours cat

I went to the door. "I'm very sorry ma'am but I have run over your cat. I would like to replace it for you"

She replied "that's ok. How good are you at catching mice"?

A boy excitedly reports to his miserly father...

"Papa!" the boy exclaims. "Instead of buying a bus ticket, I ran home behind the bus and saved a dollar!"

The father immediately slaps the child. "Spendthrift!" he screams. "You could have run home behind a taxi and saved twenty!"

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I ran into the gas station with my mask on saying, "This is a Stick Up!"

The clerk laughed.

The man paying for a coffee laughed.

The lady grabbing a candy bar laughed.

They thought I was joking, so I quickly made a small purchase.

When the cashier had the drawer open, I said hand me the large bills and a carton behind the counter.

The c...

I always wondered what would happen if I ran from the cops

I was stunned when I tried it.

AITA for telling daddy I saw mummy kissing another man?

Last night, I (7m) couldn't sleep so I went downstairs. I saw mummy (38f) kissing a strange man. I ran upstairs to tell daddy (41m) but he wasn't in his bedroom. I went back to bed crying.

In the morning, mummy woke me up saying, "Merry Christmas" but I ran straight to daddy. I said, "Last ni...

I told my Canadian friend that I ran zero miles today...

she said that was 0K

I ran into my old girlfriend at the airport,

boy she has a lot of baggage.

I ran into a beautiful woman who wanted to F*** me today...

I think her exact words were, "Sign up for this credit card..."

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I ran into the drummer from my old high school garage band...

After the usual "we should get the band back together" bullshit, we started talking about how life has been over all these years gone by.

I told him my wife (coincidentally, also a guitar player) and I have 6 happy and healthy kids now. And how, oh so cleverly, we named them after the common ...

I ran into this vegan girl at a cafe the other day

She said she knew me, but I had never met herbivore!

I ran two miles today

And the ice cream man just kept on driving, even though I was yelling at him and waving my money in the air.

Last night I ran out of sewing needles.

I should go to the supermarket and grab myself a punnet.

Yesterday i ran over three disabled children

Cripple kill

Two women who recently died were waiting at the Gates of Heaven

Woman 1: “So, how did you die?”

Woman 2: “I froze to death.”

Woman 1: “Wow, that must’ve been so painful. I’m so sorry.”

Woman 2: “It was, but after a while you go numb & don’t feel as much. How did you die?”

Woman 1: “Well, I thought my husband was cheating on me. So...

I ran over a dyslexic redditor this morning....

He walked right into my bus.

I ran over man sleeping by the road.

I guess he was tired.

Saw some kids building sandcastles on the beach so I ran and jumped on one of them.

Then I wrecked his sandcastle.

I ran into Gwen Stefani on the street the other day

She said to me, “nice weather we’re having.”

I replied, “No Doubt.”

I ran out of shampoo and couldn't go to the store because of Covid, so I used my dog's shampoo

It was rrrrrough

I ran into my priest buying condoms at the grocery store

I tried to hide them under my coat, but if he didn’t see them, he definitely saw them later that night.

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I ran into your mom today.

I ran into your mom earlier today, she told me she made $400.05 lastnight sucking dick. So I asked her "Who gave you the nickel?" She said "They all did".

My mistress and I ran into my wife at the hardware store...

She kicked me in Menards.

I ran into my friend in IT, and asked him, “How can I make a motherboard?”

He said, “Tell her about my job.”

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I ran into an acquaintance of yours the other day

He said you didn't have shit for brains.

But I defend you and said you did.

I ran into an old friend last week

Let's be real ... Gertrude was going to die soon anyways

Last Christmas morning, I was so excited I ran downstairs and ripped open my Christmas present.

Sad thing is, it was a kitten.

I ran for cover when I saw a sailboat getting too close to shore

It looked ready for a tack

I ran into an old acquaintance from school the other day.

He always liked to brag and the years didn't change that as he stood there telling me about how great his life is. He told me about how he landed this miracle job, he showed me pictures of his flashy Mercedes, his house in the countryside then showed more pictures telling me to "take a look at my go...

I ran into an old friend yesterday

Fortunately neither of us were seriously injured.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I ran my car into a pole

The poor bastard never saw me coming

I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.

I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

I ran into your mom in Baltimore and she gave me a present...

Real Maryland Crabs

I ran into a salesman offering me a pencil with invisible lead.

I almost bought it, but I couldn't really see the point.

Son: dad instead of going home on bus I ran behind it and saved 2 dollars!

Dad: why didn't you run behind a cab? You would have saved 15 dollars!?

I ran into a dwarf today with my shopping cart. I said “Oh man, are you okay?!” He said “I’m not happy!”

I said “Well which one are ya then?!”

I ran out of body soap in the shower, so used some of my wife's soap. I farted loudly all day.

I had mistakenly used her volumizing shampoo!

I ran over ny neighbors foot with a lawn mower today...

Guess I need to bury him deeper.

Did I tell you I ran over my mother-in-law's foot the other day with the lawn mower?

I told my wife we should have buried her deeper.

Quarantine Tip #19: Yesterday I ran out of soap and body wash and all I could find was dish detergent.

Then it Dawned on me.

I ran into a complete stranger at my mom's annual New Years party.

I had never seen him before, so I asked him how he knew my mom. He said he had met her earlier in the day. Apparently, my mom was worried that the overall environment of the party wouldn't be as cool as she had hoped for, so she hired a professional to gauge the room.

I was absolutely disgus...

I ran two of my friends over with my delivery truck.

Now they're my flatmates.

If I ran a night club I'd hire a rabbit to guard the front door.

I heard they're good bouncers.

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I ran into a closet homosexual the other day

and walked out still gay

Falling to the ground, my wife cried out, "Help me honey! I think I've really hurt my knee!" I ran towards her and shouted…

"Are Eenie, Meenie and Mo ok!?"

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I ran some tests the other day about my really thick semen

The results were hard to swallow.

I was walking my dog through the neighborhood when his leash broke, he ran off, and headed straight into a Chinese restaurant.

I ran inside and found him in the kitchen. To my horror, he was peeing on all the cookware! The cooks were yelling at him angrily, so I stepped in and said, "Please don't be mad at him. I'm the one who said he needed to go on a wok."

I ran into my ex at the gym. We ended up talking for so long we didn't even get to our routines for the day. It was just like old times.

We didn't work out.

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Three rottweilers at the vet

So Three Rottweilers are at the vet in the waiting room, to be seen. They are looking at each other with curiosity.

One finally talks to one of them and asks, what are you doing here?

The other explains to him, that he was lying quietly in the sun in the front garden when the postman ...

I ran into a one armed fisherman

I asked if he had any luck. He said "yea caught one this big"


This joke works better in person.

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