UPJOKE

I Once Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a girl with a twin

People used to ask me how I told them apart. Lisa painted her fingernails red and Bob had a cock

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People always asked me how I could tell them apart. Simple:

Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once hooked up with a Japanese porn star...

...but it was a total blur.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once went to visit Japan and I haven't seen a single ninja.

Impressive.

I once knew a girl with a fetish for synnesthesia.

Eventually, she came to her senses.

I once dated a Turkish woman.

Her mother was Tunisian, and her father was Canadian. Her grandparents were Albanian and her brother was Danish.


I broke up with her though, too many red flags.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once farted in the Apple Store and everybody got pissed

It's not my fault they don't have Windows

I once fell in love with a girl that only knew 4 vowels

Unfortunately she didn't know I existed.

i once lost my watch..

i once lost my watch at a party. after an hour of searching, i saw a guy harassing a woman while stepping on my watch. i immediately went to him, kicked him, and saved the woman. no one ever harasses a female, not on my watch



edit- damn this blew up like a time bomb

I once stayed up all night trying figure out where the sun went

Then it dawned on me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.

The parrot was cool, though.




^Originally ^an ^Anthony ^Jeselnik ^joke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once thought I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my imagine Asian.

I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet,

but only for like 20 seconds...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once saw a pirate woman with an amazing butt.

I'd say she was thicc with 7 C's.

I once met a girl with 12 nipples...

Sounds funny.

Dozen tit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once tried to kill a spider with axe bodyspray

but he survived and now wont shut the fuck up about crossfit

I once had a dog with no legs. I named him Cigarette.

Because every night after dinner I would take him to the park for a drag.

I once told my dad

that I had an imaginary girlfriend.

My dad sighed and said, “You know, you could do better.”

“Thanks, Dad,” I said.

My dad shook his head and said, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”

I once told someone I had a half brother

They said “Oh different mother or different father?” And I said “Niether, there was a shark attack”

I once read a horror story in braile

I could feel something bad was going to happen, but i didnt see it coming.

I once dated a girl

She told me she loved all animals. When I told her I worked with animals, she asked me if I was a veterinarian.

I told her, "No, I am a butcher"

I once abused someone with a dictionary...

The judge didn't know whether to charge me with verbal or physical assault

I once swallowed a whole dictionary.

It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a girl who had bad eczema on her chest.....

Lovely girl, cracking pair of tits.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW I once got my ex's name tattooed on my penis...

Her name was Wendy and i had it done when I was hard and now you can only see W and Y when soft.

One day I was on holiday in Jamaica, using the restroom I noticed a Jamaican man with the same WY tattoo. I asked if he had Wendy tattooed on his penis aswell.

He replied:
"nah bro it ...

I once had a stroke

Thank god it was the onlajsbsiabhs

I once dated a vampire.

He sucked.

I once met a window cleaner…

He said he loves his job, but couldn’t stand the pane.

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle- not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking.

I said “What’s up...can't handle the pressure of performing on ...

I once met a girl with a tattoo of a conch on her inner thigh

When I put my ear to it I could smell the sea

I once threw an abstinence party...

And no one came.

I once thanked a French guy to death

It was a merci killing

I once dated a girl from Tunisia

Her dad was from Trinidad and Tobago and her mum was from Morocco. Broke up with her in the end though. Too many red flags

I once tied all my watches to my belt

Until I realised it was just a waist of time

I once asked a girl named Legs out on a date

She stood me up!

I once dated a pediatrician.

We always fought, eventually, I had to break up with her.
That woman just had very little patients.

I once toured an mental asylum...

I definitely saw some people who clearly needed to be there and others that seem normal, I asked the asylum doctor/psychologist how they determine if someone is truly 'insane'.

'We fill a bath tub up with water and present the patient with a spoon, tea cup and a bucket. We then ask them to em...

I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.

Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once read a joke about Oedipus and Midas...

It was motherfucking gold

I once met a geneticist that was a 10/10

I really wanted to get into her genes

I once dated a cross-eyed girl...

It didn't work out, we never saw eye to eye!

I once bought a best-selling book on time management.

But I never had time to read it.

I once tried to create a comedy routine based on the myth of Orpheus.

Looking back, it was a bad idea.

I once caught the flu...

...at the Airport.

Think it was a Terminal Disease

I once had a brain eating amoeba

the poor fella died of starvation

I once lied on my CV to get a job as a window cleaner

I thought I'd get fired but my boss couldn't see through it

I once met a man who claimed to be a mushroom

He's was a bit simple but a really fungi

I once had an abusive girlfriend.

Her name was Lorraine. Whenever she didn’t agree with something I said or did, she would strike me all over the body, but punching me in the eye was most common. That left me with black eyes almost constantly. I had enough. I broke up with her after five months of abuse. I can see clearly now, Lorra...

I once had a job cleaning other people's pools...

It started off swimmingly, but soon it got to be too draining.

I once went to a Reddit restaurant

unfortunately all of the servers were busy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once won a fight that was five against one.

We really kicked the shit out of that guy.

I once mixed Red Bull and coffee

After 20 minutes on highway I noticed that I forgot my car at home

I once won a pumpkin carving contest.

It was a hollow victory.

I once ran a podcast about bloodsucking arthropods.

But then one day I got a take-down notice and that was the end of Tick Talk.

I once won a 5 on 1 street fight.

We kicked that guy's ass!

I once kicked a pregnant women.

I was in the womb. I'm not evil.

I once dated a HTML student that liked foreplay.

She always put head first.

I once made a belt out of $100 bills

Turns out it was just a waist of money

I once thought about becoming a vegetarian

But I then realised how stupid of me as that would be a missed steak

I once paid a bee to style my hair.

But it only knew how to do a buzz cut.

I once asked a New Zealander how many girlfriends he's had.

But he fell asleep while counting.

I once asked Mario how to say ‘friend’ in french

He quickly answered: ‘it’s ami’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a kid, i once swallowed two strings…

They both came out together, i shit you knot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel...

I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel. The Madame asked, "what can we do for you?"
I said, "I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me."
The Madame asked "You poor thing; whatever for? And why do you have a jackass and a honeycomb?"
"Well," I answered, "my woma...

I once made a small boat out of a large bell.

It was a little dingy

I once saw Medusa on a cam girl site

I was rock hard the entire time

I once dated a dental hygienist

She had the whitest teeth I ever came across.

I once asked my 97 year old grandfather what his secret was to such a long life.

He said, "I'm just waiting until I can afford a burial service."

I once told a bad joke about ghosts

It still haunts me to this day.

I once knew a guy who cross bred insects for fun.

I liked the guy at first, but eventually I got tired of his crazy ant ticks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once installed a sky light in my apartment.

Boy were my upstairs neighbors pissed.

I once went to the liquor store at the corner riding my bike

I meant to buy a bottle of whisky

On my way back home I felt like I could fall off my bike and end up breaking the bottle of whisky

So I decided to drink it all at once right there

It was the best decision of my life because on my way back home I fell off my bike like 8 times.

I once knew an arrogant sponge.

he was very self absorbed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dreamt that I was masturbating to pictures of my karate teachers.

Then I came to my senseis.

I once saw my friend fighting a pregnant women

So I joined him to make it a two-on-two

I once went on a school trip to a coffee factory.

We were having a guided tour around the production line but sadly one of my friends fell into the coffee grinder and died.

Luckily it was instant.

I once told my friend

That I had made thousands of pounds in profit from selling the dog poo that my neighbour's dog had left on my lawn.

My friend said, "That's gross!"

I said, "No. That's Net."

I once asked an Irish builder if he knew the difference between a joist and a girder

“Of course I do”, he replied. “One wrote Ulysses, the other wrote Faust.”

I once dated a woman that had one leg longer than the other..

Her name was Eileen

I once had a job drilling holes for water.

It was well boring.

I once flunked out of executioner school.

I couldn't get the hang of it.

I once dreamt of having a fight with chuck norris.

I woke up with a black eye and swollen face.

I once knew a girl who only dated tall guys

I guess you could say she had a foot fetish

I once dated a Welsh girl with 36 DDs.

Longest surname I've ever seen.

I once told a joke...

... about Chinese people and the Corona Virus. An overly sensitive and overweight female co-worker said that just because I'm Asian, doesn't mean that the joke wasn't racist...

I asked her, "So if i tell a race joke, does it mean I'm a racist?"

She responded, "Yes, telling a joke based...

I once dated a girl just for her internet connection

She was wifi material.

I once met a Welshman who bragged about his virility

I asked him how many partners he'd had and he said 'I dunno, everytime I count them I fall asleep'.

I once dated a girl with a lazy eye

Turned out she was seeing someone else on the side.

I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long.

He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."

I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in t...

I once had a beautiful Roman girlfriend

She was a solid X

I once dated a professional tennis player...

But I had to end it when I realised love meant nothing to her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once had sex with a girl in an apple orchard

I then came in cider.

I once had 4 blowouts at once, but managed to drive on the metal of my rims from New York to New Jersey. I did pretty good, but the hero of the moment was my car.

It worked tirelessly.

I once made a chemistry joke....

It made no reaction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a twin

Years ago I dated a twin.


My friend asked me 'how do you tell them apart?'


I explained 'Well, Rebecca has agreed to wear green nail polish every 2nd day...and Stephen has a dick'

I once had a job testing barbells, but I had to quit.

I couldn't handle the pressure.

I once got a job at a company that makes fire hydrants.

I have to quit. There was no place to park.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.