UPJOKE

I Need To Know Jokes

One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know. I've noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"

The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."

The husband says "Who is his father?"

The wife says **"You are."**

Ok guys, so l know where the Big Apple is. But can any of you tell me, I need to know where the

Minneapolis

I need to know what did Logan Paul do!

Seriously guys, don't leave me hanging

I need to know if this works

So I've come up with another joke. Feel like it's a bit 'meh'.



I think I had an invisible sniper friend once - his name was Theo Reticle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I need to know if eviction restrictions for COVID are ongoing in DC?

My tenant of 4 years has refused to acknowledge his first notice. Since last Wednesday he has been hiding in the basement. The only time he left was to play golf, so I know he has some funds. Please let me know what my options are. If I even have any?

I am taking a test and I need to know what element Au is. Can someone help me?

I'm going to fail this test if I don't have the answer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doc, I need to know...

A middle aged man is getting a physical and the doctor asks him if he has any health concerns. The man says, well, there is one thing on my mind. When I was 20 years old, with both hands I could not bend my penis when it was hard. When I was 30 years old, I could bend it a little bit with both hands...

What's the oldest you can be to get a circumcision?

I need to know the cutoff date.

Pope in limousine

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Without much of a choice, the chauffeur climbed in the back of the limo and the Pope took the wheel.
After gleefully acc...

An African Lumberjack

An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single ch...

A guy asks for a condom in a drugstore.

The clerk tells him –“I need to know how wide are you to give you the correct size”. He tells her he has no idea. So pharmacist hands him a wooden board with different diameter holes in it and tells him to go to bathroom and measure. He comes back 15 minutes letter and tells her – “The Hell with th...

An out of touch radio station dj and a 70’s promoter have a conversation

So I have the greatest progressive rock bands in one line up!

Great! So get on with it, who’s on first?

Yes

Yes is on first?

No

So who’s on first?

That’s right!

What’s right?

What you just said!

Look… if I’m looking at the poster, it alw...

“911, what’s your emergency “

“I’d like to report a murder.”

“Where are you located sir?”

“At the corner of Main and 4th… oh wait, never mind!”

“Sir! What do you mean? How can you say never mind when you’re trying to report a murder!!! I need to know where to dispatch the police to”

“I’m sorry, but yo...

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business...

...when a carload of gun toting, young and very loud tea partiers, shouting anti-Obama, anti-Muslim slogans, with a Gadsden flag duct taped on the trunk and a confederate flag taped to the hood, "All I need to know about Islam, I learned on 9/11" spray painted to the side, pulled up and stopped next...

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