UPJOKE

I Miss Jokes

I miss my old zoology teacher: Mrs. Turtle.

Unusual name for a teacher, but she tortoise well.

Sometimes I miss my ex.

So I drop it into reverse and try again.

Jane: I miss England.

Tarzan: I no idea you a beauty pageant winner.

I missed the Vice Presidential debate...

Can someone please tell me what all the buzz is about?

I miss the days when the Annoying Orange was just a fictional youtube character

And not the President of the United States.

Today I saw a car parked with a bumper sticker that said "I miss New york"

So I smashed his window in and stole his radio.

I miss Mt.Rushmore before it was carved.

It’s beauty was un-presidented

"Sometimes I miss NYC so much. ..

... I'll fill my humidifier with urine." - Emo Philips

My father went to Iraq. I miss him so much.

Please come Baghdad.

I miss my dad. Before he left, he gave me this piece of advice.

Advi

I missed work today because I pulled a groin

Not mine - someone else’s. He punched me and now I have a bloody nose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I missed a day at the cosmetology school

My teacher said I now have to take a makeup class.

I miss Halloween

I can no longer take free candy from creepy strangers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I miss the age where my biggest worry was how I would tell my mom I pissed the bed.

Oh to be 23 again

I miss my ex-girlfriend all the time.

I really need to work on my aim.

It's with a heavy heart that I give a shout-out to my dad who couldn't be with us to see Endgame tonight. I miss you with all my heart.

Maybe pre-order your tickets on time next time, moron.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I miss my Grandfather..

We used to play together, camp together and repair everything on our house, never gonna forget his last words..

"Stop shaking the ladder u little fucker"

I miss the days when 2 Nintendo employees would show up at your house to play Wii

Now they just show up with a lawsuit and a court order.

Can someone help ? I don't see this to be funny, I m I missing something?

Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship? Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat. Banker: Me: Banker: I’m in.

Told this girl I missed her, and she replied with "ohh". Guys, what zone is this?

Ozone

i miss all the absent father jokes people used to make

when are they coming back?

I miss my mother-in-law

Thank god I brought enough bullets.

Apart from "I love you", "I miss you", "You complete me" and "Can't live without you"?

What other jokes do you know?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I miss the good old days when the president only lied to us to protect national security.

Or to hide a blowjob from his wife.

I traded my countertop for a new marble one, but now I miss my old one.

It's like they always say, never take anything for granite

I thought I missed my cake day

batter late than never!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I miss my wife, she always used to say that I take things literally. but she divorced me recently...

She was stuck at her parents' place due to the corona lockdown since March. When I called her that when would she be coming back, she said she will try to come as soon as the 3 months lockdown is lifted and she added she would like to see that dick in summer.

When she got back she found me ha...

Every time I wake up I miss my wife

I always have mourning wood

I missed my ex-wife the other day....

So I'm going shopping for a better scope

I miss going to the gym but you know what

It’s been a huge weight off my shoulders.

I missed my Mother-in-law

but I reloaded my Gun.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I miss the good ol days...

When we used to parade our president in a convertible.

Just. Fucking. Kidding

During shelter in place, I realize that I miss people, place, and things.

So nouns. I essentially miss nouns.

I missed my grandfather's funeral today because I slept in.

I'm not a mourning person.

Sometimes I miss parts of my face when I was young

It's nosetalgia I guess

When i'm bored in Lockdown i just send flowers with An "i miss you" card to my neighbour John.

Then i go to the balcony with a drink and listen to his wife.

When I was younger I’d always get upset when my dad told me to eat veggies, but now I miss veggies

He’s was the nicest dog ever.

I miss the days when I could just do crazy things. Like once I went an entire semester only wearing clothes I made out of notebook paper.

College ruled.

I miss baseball so much...

I miss baseball so much that I've been substituting things I see out of my front window.
Today there's two old ladies drinking on the corner:
It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded...

I miss my old piano teacher...

My old piano instructor said to me, "You've damaged my piano for the last time! I won't teach you anymore!"

I found a new teacher. But his piano is missing strings, and worst of all, his damper pedal technique is terrible. I miss my old instructor; she knew when to put her foot down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I Miss Playing Golf

Thanks to COVID19 causing the golf courses to close, I have resorted to watching porn so I can yell: "Get in the hole!!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I missed the holiday for premature ejaculators this year.

I think it came early.

I miss going to the store with 1$ as a kid and being able to get a pack of milk, 12 eggs and a lot of candies.

Now they have cameras everywhere

I miss Hockey, so I decided to watch C-SPAN.

It's a decent substitute.

After all, like in the NHL, the Senators suck.

As I get older, I find that I miss my wife more than ever.

My reflexes aren't as quick as they were..

I missed the bus today.

I really shouldn't be this sentimental about public transport.

I missed my flight

Flight 404 could not be found

I miss understood a Sleeping Beauty

Ill never be welcome to a funeral again.

I miss my umbilical cord..

I grew attached to it.

I miss my ex-wife every time I see the sun.

I should probably try to snipe her at night.

I miss vine

tarzan's last thought as he plummets to the jungle floor

I miss my fake girlfriend...

She left because I lack imagination.

I miss Vine

Said Tarzan as he fell to the ground.

I miss the good old times...

when I wassn't alive.

I miss my students a lot...

Over time, they've gotten really good at dodging the chalkboard erasers I throw at them.

I was late for my first meeting of Fight Club last night and I missed the rules.

Anyway I enjoyed Fight Club, and I really recommend Fight Club.

You know what I miss?

Pedestrians, about 90% of the time.

I miss my car.

But the other car didn’t.

I miss my students a lot...

The chalkboard eraser always ends up hitting the wall!

A lawyer sits next to a blonde on a plane, and he really wants her to notice him, but she shows no interest.

The lawyer is not used to being rejected, so he says:

"Let's play a game. We go back and forth and ask each other questions, and if you don't know the answer, you give the person $5."

The blonde isn't interested, and she declines.

After 20 minutes of silence, the lawyer says:...

Oops I missed a week

Has anyone seen my last post on here about me and my brother's spime surgery?

It was about 2 weak backs

I miss my ex

But everyday my shot gets a bit closer

I miss the days when...

People didn’t live in the past.

I miss my girlfriend so much

Maybe I need new glasses

I was late to my first Fight Club meeting so unfortunately I missed some of the rules

But I still had a really awesome time and I can't wait to share my experience with everyone on Facebook.

I miss the old days

Before I could go into a store with 3 bucks and get 5 videogames, but now they have cameras all over the place.

I missed my ex...

But I managed to hit her boyfriend right between the eyes

I miss those hot summer nights when you can open all the windows and fall asleep naked.

My cab drivers keep reporting me to the cops.

I missed out on a great investment opportunity 5 years ago which required an initial deposit of $4 and had a return of thousands of dollars!

Don't believe me? Just ask my 4-year old!

I miss my friend jack...

I loved listening to music with him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

I miss my ex-wife

Next time, I'll use a better rifle

There used to be a time where I missed my ex girlfriend so much.

God, looking back I must have wasted around 8-9 bullets.

I miss u

Send ndes

I missed my wife

Guess it's back to the range for more practice...

Do you know what I miss about my childhood?

Not caring about spelling and chocolate milf

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shit, I missed!

A sailor is getting drunk in a bar. Every time he finishes a drink he takes the bottle and throws it at the trash. Naturally Because he's drunk he keeps missing. Every time he misses he yells "shit, I misses." he does this a couple times, when a priest turns around and says "you should really stop ...

I missed what the roman numerals for 51, 6, and 500 were on the test.

I'm LIVID

All candles smell the same to me. Am I missing something?

They all smell like burnt nose hair to me.

I was sad I missed a Dave Chappelle special on T.V...

But then my girlfriend reminded me, I can just watch Amy Schumer to hear all his best jokes.

I missed the latest episode of Rick & Morty

Boy, do I feel stupid now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Oh fuck, I missed the bus... Again."

-Sniper

After my divorce I couldn't believe how much I missed my ex.

I really need to work on my aim.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I watched a porno version of The Invisible Man but I missed the climax.

Never saw him coming.

I showed up 15 minutes late to work this morning and my manager asked me if I missed the bus.

I said: "No, I've never felt anything for a bus."

I missed my last two knitting club meetings...

I hope when I return I'm not out of the loop.

I miss having Lance Armstrong at the Olympics

He was dope.

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