UPJOKE

I Heard You Jokes

Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"

Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"

Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"

Me: "49"

Interviewer: "that's not even close"

me: "yeah, but it was fast"

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys

Well not to brag or anything but
I'm bad at everything

Man 1: I heard you had an accident at the pottery studio yesterday. Did you spill glaze all over a woman?

Man 2: Glazed her? Damn near kilned her.

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Jack: "I heard you started a rumor that I have an Oedipus complex, Steve. Fuck you."

Steve: "You kiss your mother with that mouth?"

I heard you were good at algebra

Could you replace my x

without asking y?

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"Son, I heard you got punished for using the F word in class. That wasn't fun was it?"

"NO DAD. It was fuck."

I heard you can get lawyers at Ikea now.

They're very affordable, but you have to build your own case.

"I heard you slept with my woman," said this guy in the pub.

"You've got the wrong person," I replied.

"So you didn't sleep with her?"

"No, I did." I added. "I'm just saying you need a new girlfriend."

I heard you were looking for a stud?

I’ve got the STD, all I need is u

I heard you like tree puns...

Willow Yule please tell me what kind Juniper Fir?

I heard you can get rich in the hat market.

One day I'll be a milliner.

Fish 1: So I heard you had kids. Where are they from?

Fish 2: The sea section

Wife: I heard you have a new secretary today?

Husband:Yes.

Wife:Is she smart?

Husband:Yes.

Wife:Is she pretty?

Husband:Yes.

Wife:How did she dress today?

Husband:Very quickly.

I heard you like reposts, so here's one from 114 years ago.

**TOWN AND COUNTRY**

The young woman who was boarding at the farmhouse expressed to the farmer her anxiety at the savage way in which the cow regarded her.

“It must be on account of that red blouse you’ve got on, miss,” answered the farmer.

“Dear me!” exclaimed the girl. “Of cou...

US: Iraq, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

iraq: No we don't?

\*US invades Iraq*

US: Syria, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

Syria: No we don't!

\*US invades Syria*

US: North Korea, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

North Korea: Yeah? What's up with that?

US: No.. nothin...

Man 1: “I love sandwiches!” Man 2: “Me too. By the way, I heard you just bought a horse! What did you name it?” Man 1: “Mayo.” Man 2: “Mayo? Why Mayo?”

Man 1: “Because he neighs.”

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I heard you got a new puppy

Woman: I heard you got a new puppy!

Child: Yeah, but all it does it eat newspaper and poop newspaper.

Woman: Oh, uh... well, what color is it?

Child: Brown, with black spots... and little flecks of newspaper.

So I heard you like puns with convoluted setups...

well, much like a child insisting her mother use needles and yarn to repair her favorite plush animal named after it's bright, glinting visual organs reminding one of morning precipitation: Sew dew eye.

I heard you guys like corny jokes

I'll give you an ear full : ^ )

I heard you father was run over by a boat in Venice.

My gondolences.

I heard you have to make a payment when you enter a Microsoft workplace

They are called bill gates

When I heard you could be a sperm doner by post

I came in a jiffy

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"So, Watson, I heard you were constipated. What were the results of the laxative you took?"

"No shit, Sherlock"

I heard you guys like jokes, so do you want to hear a joke about paper?

Never mind, it’s tearable

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I heard you like jewcy jokes...

Hitler is visiting a concentration camp and he examines the prisoners. They are lined up and they listen all to the Hitlers speech. Suddenly somebody sneezes.

Hitler goes to the first row and asks:"Who did this?"
Nobody responses. First row gets executed.

Hitler goes to the second ...

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I was watching TV when my girlfriend said, “I heard you wanking last night.”

“Oh come on” I said, “don’t you ever, you know...”

“Ever what?” She replied

“You know...” I said, “don’t you ever, you know...?”

“Come on, say it. Don’t I ever what?” She replied

I said, “Don’t you ever shut the fuck up?”

I heard you can turn soup to gold...

You just have to add 24 carrots

John: Doctor I heard you can get AIDS in the public toilets. Is this true?

Doctor: I mean... yeah, but it's uncomfortable.

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I heard you make a lot of money working at the Federal Reserve...

...too bad the pay is shit

Guy asks his friend: "I heard you were out til 5 am last night. You must have been partying pretty hard?"

Friend: "Did you just assume my bender?!"

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I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’
The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me.
A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing...

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Sara goes to the gynecologist for an examination.

She gets up on the examining table with her feet in the stirrups, and the doctor, with his head now between her legs, whispers to himself "My, what a large vagina. My, what a large vagina. My, what a large vagina. My, what a large vagina.”

“I heard you the first time! How many times must you...

A man and his three daughters

There was a father who was very proud of his three daughters. Every night he took a stroll around the house to make sure everything was all right. One night, he could hear laughter coming from his youngest daughter's room. When he reached the window of his second daughter, he could hear her crying. ...

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