UPJOKE

I Heard Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A WW2 joke I heard recently

So, it’s 1941 and a young German boy is listening to the radio. On the radio Hitler announces that Germany is declaring war on the United States.

The boy asks, “Father, where is the United States?”

“Here, let me show you,” His father responds and points at a map of North America.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard the grim reaper is bisexual…

Apparently, Death comes for us all.

Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic

But it was a false Salaam

Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"

Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"

Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"

Me: "49"

Interviewer: "that's not even close"

me: "yeah, but it was fast"

I heard 50 Cent wasn’t expected at the half time show

I didn’t think it was a surprise he came out after two quarters

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, Billy's teacher asked him, " I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"

Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."

"Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"

"Maybe it was a tricycle."

"Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas.

It was motherfucking gold.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

I heard my son say his first words to me today...

"where have you been the last 20 years?"

I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airline jokes...

The first one got no response and the second one was shot down in flames

I heard Reddit likes puns so I posted ten of them thinking at least one would reach the first page

No pun in ten did

A joke about Wehrner Von Braun I heard years ago

Apparently Wehrner Von Braun used to play truant from school a lot when he was younger to work on experiments with rockets. His mother once said to him "Wehrner, you keep missing school!" Wehrner said "Yes, but only by a few miles!"

jokes about the war in Ukraine I heard in Romania

Putin dies and goes to hell, but a few years later he gets permission to leave hell and to visit Moscow for a day -

Goes to a pub in Moscow, orders a few drinks and asks the bartender:

Crimea is still ours ? - Yes, bartender says

Donbas is still ours ? - Yes, ours

Is Kiev...

I heard the people of Dubai don't like the Flintstones...

But people in nearby Abu Dhabi do

A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"

The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then...

I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math...

Glad to know I'm in the other 2%.

I heard its easy to convince women not to eat tide pods..

but it's a lot harder to deter gents.

I heard a rumour about the Canadian Prime Minister

Not sure if it’s Trudeau.

Update 1: There are some rumours that are Justin.

This is a joke I heard back in 2000

George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wan...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joke I Heard From David Sedaris!

Saw him on tour last night, shamelessly repeating here:

Two Jews are walking down the street and pass a church with a sign in the window: CONVERT NOW FOR $500

"That's a lot of money," says Hershel. "For shame! My mother would kill me if I converted." Responds Eli. Hershel shrugs, ...

My dad asked me if I heard about this movie called Constipation…

Dad “It never came out.”

I heard Miley Cyrus is in the new Silence of the Lambs reboot

She plays Hannibal Montannibal.

Have you guys seen the new image from James Webb telescope yet? I heard it looks back in time like 13.7 billion years...

...and it still can't see the last time you got laid.

I heard the atheists are trying to get tax exempt status now

they are a non-prophet organization

As I was going under for my eye surgery, I heard my doctor say, "It's just a simple eye surgery. Don't worry. You got this, Jeff."

I just barely managed to say, "I'm David, not Jeff."

He said, "I know. I'm Jeff."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was painting my nails earlier when I heard my boss yell at me from across the room.

He said “For fuck’s sake, will you stop painting the damn things and just hammer them into the damn wall”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard there was a documentary on Netflix about the clitoris

I couldn’t find it.

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys

Well not to brag or anything but
I'm bad at everything

I heard a great joke about elevators

It works on many levels

I heard they're not letting Eminem get fully vaccinated.

They told him "you only get one shot."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

I heard France is replacing its ageing, deteriorating navy vessels

I guess French ships don’t always last forever

Husband: I heard a rumor that the postman's slept with all the women on our street, except for one.

Wife: I bet it's that's snooty Priscilla Quinn in Number 12.

When I heard that Kevin Hart was injured in a car accident, I was really worried for my kids.

They use the same brand of booster seat!

Too soon?

EDIT - thank you mysterious benefactor for my first gold!

EDIT 2 - Shout out to u/LethKith who wants me and my whole family to die in a fiery car crash. I hope you have a good day buddy. Try to relax and enjoy the joke for what ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard how great VR porn is, and how immersive it is. So decided to check it out.

And it’s true. I completely forgot I was at Starbucks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old joke I heard from a friend of mine..

Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposit...

I heard 9/10 Redditors are dumb...

I'm so glad to be part of the 1%

When I heard that terrorists were killing farmers by putting C4 in their cattle I was horrified...

It's abombinabull!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack: "I heard you started a rumor that I have an Oedipus complex, Steve. Fuck you."

Steve: "You kiss your mother with that mouth?"

I heard a bunch of Chinese people chanting "We want rights! We want rights!"

They must be scared of the dark or something.

Man 1: I heard you had an accident at the pottery studio yesterday. Did you spill glaze all over a woman?

Man 2: Glazed her? Damn near kilned her.

I heard that whales never skip leg day,

Just look at their huge calfs.

It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, "Order!!"

So I replied fried chicken, mac and cheese and cola. Now I'm being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.

I heard they’re making a mind controlled air freshener

It makes scents when you think about it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

joke I heard a while ago, not sure if it's been posted (new to reddit)

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Ph...

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

I heard a loud cry in the ocean

Must've been a wail

When I heard this morning that the Prime Minister of Canada is separating from his wife, I couldn’t believe it.

Turns out…it was Trudeau.

Joke I heard on a Russian political discussion show.

Do honest politicians exist?
Of course! But they are the most expensive!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard they make Viagra in a liquid form now

That's good news because before it was a hard pill to swallow, but now I can enjoy a good stiff drink

"I heard there was a recent Wolf sighting."

"Where?"

"No, a regular one."

I heard that in the States that snitches get stitches...

And everyone else has to wait 3 months in urgent care

I heard Putin was installing Windows

And Microsoft had to accept his terms and conditions.

I heard on the news that there is a guy stealing tires from police cars.

I understand the police are working tirelessly to solve the crime.

I heard a banana a day helps clean out the colon

I then found out you’re supposed to eat the banana.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard spam was becoming more targeted so I checked my folder

Turns out I just get the same offers for penis-reduction creams as everyone else

I heard a joke about an echo.

It won't stop repeating itself.

When I heard about Russell's Paradox, I got so excited...

I didn't know if I could contain myself!

I heard Taco Bell is renaming their restrooms.

They're now called "The Fast" and "The Furious".

I was alone at a cemetery when I heard a weird noise

Someone was coffin.

I heard a swimmer shout "Help shark help!!

I just laughed. I knew the shark wasn't going to help him!

I heard Alec Baldwin is shooting another movie this year

Hope he misses this time

I heard The Joker just accidentally killed someone...

He was convicted of involuntary man's laughter.

I thought i heard Bilbo speak to Frodo

Turns out they were just Tolkien

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard about this new sex position that I really want to try.

It's called:

With another person.

I heard Reggae music coming from my printer.

The paper was jammin’

I heard patients were not sleeping well at the hospital

So I unplugged all the loud annoying beeping things in their rooms. They sleep much better now

I heard hookers are now offering the "Romney" for $1,000.

It includes every position.

I heard a joke about a speeding bus the other day.

I didn't get it at first. Then it hit me.

I heard that beans were John Lennon's favourite vegetable....

.....up until he decided to give peas a chance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard that Fortnite put a limit of three outfits for players in Isreal.

Jews aren't allowed to have four skins.

I heard a joke about getting pepper sprayed.

It was a macing.

I heard R Kelly is appealing his 30 year sentence.

Said he is gonna try to swap it for two 15's

I heard USA today just won a Pulitzer

"Best investigative paragraph"

I heard that Prince Charles tested positive for Covid-19

Looks like he got coronated at last!

A cute one I heard from a friend at work.

Three animals walk into a bar; A duck,a skunk and a deer. They go up to the bar and order 3 drinks. "5 dollars" Says the bartender. The deer looks at the duck and says "I don't have a buck to my name!" the skunk cries "I have no money, not even a scent!" but the duck says to the bartender "It's alri...

My wife tried to kill herself last night. I heard noise coming from the garage in the middle of the night so I went to check it out. The car was running with the garage door closed, and she was in the driver's seat crying hard.

This is the last time I buy a Tesla.

I heard the judge threaten to disbar my lawyer.

SMH, they done gave me a saloon owner to defend me.

The last joke I heard from my grandfather before he passed away. Paraphrased because it was so long ago. Still my favorite joke.

You know, I wasn't always the strong Christian man I am today. I was a little wild before I met your gram, but we all have club stories, right? Some better than others, but they're all an important part of our history. Anyway, one night I went out to a club. It was a weeknight, so it wasn't like it ...

I heard dogs can't operate an MRI

But catscan

I heard the Toronto Maple Leafs now have the milk board as their sponsor.

Now they only have to put in 2% of the effort.

Joke I heard while in Hungary

Two cops are standing by the street side in New York City. A foreigner approaches them looking slightly panicked.

"Parlez vous Francais?" He asks them. The cops, not knowing a word of French merely shrug their shoulders at the man.

Frustrated, he asks them, "Ustedes hablan español?" Ag...

I heard this in at the barber shop from an old patron, it's my favorite joke.

There's a butcher tending to his shop when a dog walks in.

The dog has a note in his mouth, with a $10 bill attached.

The butcher bends down and picks the note out of the dog's mouth, reading aloud he says: "2 pork chops please" and the dog sits.

The butcher, highly impressed,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I heard the news that 12 Thai schoolboys had been rescued from underground...

I had to run home and make sure my basement was still padlocked.

I heard they are making an erotic movie about Elvis

It’s going to be called 50 shades of Blue Suede.

I heard that if you drink beer and smoke weed that you'll gain an extra 50 IQ points...

They call this phenomenon "Budweiser"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad: I heard that you got punished for saying the F-word in class. That’s wasn’t fun, was it?

Son: No, it was Fuck.

I heard the easiest method for free karma today!

It’s actually really a piece of cake

I heard some people say Judaism isn’t a real religion

But I personally think it Israel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard that as a 40 yo. guy, I should have sex on average 53 times a year.

December is gonna be awesome!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I heard that a cure for dyslexia had been discovered

It was like music to my arse

A joke i heard a while ago

The 120 year old grandfather goes to the doctor for his physical and says he's feeling great. "So great, in fact, I got my girlfriend pregnant!" he proudly boasts to the doctor.

"Let me tell you a story." the doctor says. "A man went for a walk in the woods whereupon he encountered a bear,...

I heard people are getting paid to mention companies and do product placement in their Reddit posts!

That's almost as crazy as the discounts at Jez's Furniture Emporium. Sale this weekend

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joke I heard in middle school [1990] and is still funny

A man gets sick of the rat race and decides to retire to farming. Goes to farmer's market to buy livestock. Goes to buy a hen. Seller says, 'Here ya go but here in the country, we call that a poullette (pullit). Man says, 'Okay.'

Man Goes to buy a rooster. Seller says, 'Here in the country...

So I heard about a secret society that wants to run the world...

...and force feed everybody cheese all the time.




They're called the Hallouminati

I sat in the waiting room at the hospital looking at the floor, and I heard the footsteps of one of the doctors approaching to tell me about my wife.

He stopped before me and I looked up. He stroked his hideous beard and looked at the ground unsurely.

I began to get worried.

"Did her hair transplant go as planned...doc?" I asked, frowning. After a pause, I added: "And why are you wearing my wife's clothes?"

This war in Ukraine has me on edge. Yesterday I thought I heard a Russian plane fly over my house.

It was just an Illyushin

There are hints my grandfather is suffering from declining vision. I heard he was walking along the side of the road and walked right into a fixed object.

It might be a sign.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A string of jokes I heard a while ago

How do you get four elephants in a mini cooper?

Two in the front, two in the back.


How do you get four giraffes in a mini cooper?

You can't because of all the elephants.


How do you get two whales in a mini cooper?

Same way you get to Wales in any other car,...

I heard the Prime Minister of Canada's middle name is Kaesits.

I can't verify this, but I'm still sharing it Justin Kaesits Trudeau.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Super old joke I heard a million years ago

Two pieces of shit walk down the street and see a diarrhea coming towards them.

The diarrhea asks:

"Hi guys, can I hang out with you?"

The two pieces of shit look at each other, then back at the diarrhea and say:

"No, sorry buddy, we only hang out with tough guys."

I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.

Not on my watch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew I heard from a Rabbi

Two devout Jewish men walked by a Christian church promoting conversions with $500 for each soul saved. The first fella says to his friend: "Hey Coen, I'm gonna go in there and feign interest to grab some free cash from those putzes bribing people for attendances!" Coen speaks up: "But Sal! You're a...

When I heard the sad news that Gilbert Gottfried had passed away....

I half-expected his cause of death was anaphylAFLAC shock.

I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the car park.

That is wrong on so many levels.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was walking past a mental hospital when I heard the patients on the other side of the fence chant “13…13…13!”

Curious, I looked through the fence to see what was going on.

Suddenly, I got stabbed in the eye by a dick through a crack in the fence.

The mental patients started chanting “14…14…14!”

I heard you were good at algebra

Could you replace my x

without asking y?

I heard Microsoft tried to change the file path separator in Windows

but it received tons of backslash from the community.

--
Source: Aaron Peterson, Twitter.

I heard a terrible joke about a deaf person yesterday.

They didn't though.

I heard that Ukrainian farmers...

... now have the 4th largest tank division in the world.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People commonly believe that Jesus died a virgin, but I heard he got nailed right before he died.

Blasphemy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW joke I heard from an officer while in the army (translated from Greek)

Three friends are sitting in a bar.

One of them starts bragging, "Guys, my stamina in bed is fucking amazing. I can fuck 3 women in one go". The other two respond "Yeah right mate.. how about you prove it?". So they bring in 3 women and stand them naked up against the wall.

He starts...

I heard a joke today

Jack: I stood under my girlfriend's window and sang a love song to her. She threw me a flower.

Danny: then why is there a wound on your head?

Jack: she forgot to take the flowers out of the pot

I heard Arnold Schwarzenegger retired from acting but he still keeps busy.

He's working as an exterminator.


(Hi u/govschwarzenegger!)

I heard you can get lawyers at Ikea now.

They're very affordable, but you have to build your own case.

I heard this joke sometime ago...

A man walks into a bar with a crocodile in a leash...

The bartender says: “Woah, you can’t bring that in here!”

And the man says: “It’s OK, my crocodile is tame... look!”

*and he unzips his pants and proceeds to put his d!ck in the crocodiles mouth.
The crocodile doesn’t reac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(An old joke I heard. So sorry if I mess up with the wording.) A dead body was found floating in the river.

..The police recovered it, and found a wallet with the body. They found out that the wallet belonged to Mr. Smith. But they still weren't sure if the dead body was of Mr. Smith or not.

So they did some investigation and found out about the twin brothers Mark and Harry, who were very close fri...

Earlier today I heard Classical music coming from my wallet..

I opened it, and realised I had 3 tenners in it...

I heard they exhumed the remains of a legendary French leader, and disassembled his skeleton into 206 separate pieces...

Napoleon bone-apart

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard that pornhub was shutdown in Russia over the weekend...

Guess you could say things are out of hand over there.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.