UPJOKE

I Have Jokes

‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.’

The priest asks, 'Is that you, Joe?' 'Yes, Father’ ‘Who’s the gal you were with?' 'I won’t tell, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' ‘Was it Jane marlow?’ ‘I can’t say.' 'Was it Tami Jones?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Kim Dixon or Kate James?' 'My lips are sealed.

The priest sighs in frustration....

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I have my steaks like I have sex!

Very rare.

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot ...

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I have daily sex

Edit: I have dyslexia*

I have this recurring nightmare where not only am I forced to become Vegan

I'm then stranded alone on a desert island and there's nobody to tell.

Husband: I have cheated once

Husband: I have cheated once

Wife: me too.

husband: 1st of Apriii....

Wife: 18th of June

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Girl: “Forgive me Father for I have sinned”

Priest: “What did you do dear?”

Woman: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

Woman: “Because he touched my hand.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)

Woman: “Yes father.”

Priest: “That’s no reason to ca...

I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore.

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

I have two conditions in my will...

1) I want my remains spread around Disney World

2) I do not want to be cremated

When I die, I have but 2 requests.

The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland.



The second, I don’t want to be cremated.

If I have twin daughters, I'll name one Kate

And I'll name the other "DupliKate"

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I have to tell my girlfriend I am not into her fetishes.

But first, I gotta get some shit off my chest.

I have a fear of overly intricate buildings.

I have a complex complex complex.

I have two unwritten rules.

1.

2.

I have a fondness for "technically true" jokes, like these:

Did you know that the average person has an above-average number of legs? After all, most people have two legs, while a few have none.


Did you know that if you shuffle a deck of cards, the resulting order has likely never existed before in the history of the universe?



Eve...

I have a friend who always subtly mentions that he went to MIT

I simply hate his behavior. He'd somehow figure out a way to drop it into a conversation just to let people know he's an MIT alumni.

He's always been like this. Even when we were in college together.

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(NSFW) I have a sexual fetish for intellectual breakthroughs

I struggled for a while, but then I came to a realization

I have a degree in men's studies.

It's called "world history".

#TRUMP 2016! YOU CAN'T STUMP THE TRUMP!

I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

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My wife was incredibly mad when she found out I have been visiting prostitutes for sex

I said “Well you can hardly blame me, it’s not like I was getting any from you!”

She yelled, “But I didn’t know you were willing to pay for it!”

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician

And a Czech one too.
A Czech one too.

Doctor: “Sir, I have some bad news, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”

Me: “and?”

My boyfriend is upset that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

I can count on one hand how many times I have been to Chernobyl.

It's 14.

At last.......I have managed to find my wife's 'G' spot....

....who would have thought her sister had it the whole time

My wife and I have an open relationship

Found out last night

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I have more sexual partners than my brother.

But he is one of the better ones.

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I have a vagina joke

but most of you won't get it.

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Doctor, I have a sexual problem.

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic s...

My doctor says I have narcissistic personality disorder

But that's impossible, as the smartest man alive I think I would have noticed.

I have just watched a documentary on marijuana.

I think all documentaries should be watched this way.

Wife: "I have a lot of my own clothes I'd like to donate."

Husband: "Why bother? It's easier to throw the clothes in the garbage can."

Wife: "Don't be selfish! There are so many poor people who have no clothes and are starving."

Husband: " Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving..."

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I called my friend and said "hey I have a joke for you.."

Friend :"ok, shoot."

Me: " what has a tiny penis, and hangs down?"

Friend: " I dunno, what?"

Me: " A bat... now, what has an enormous penis and hangs up?"

Friend" I dunno what?"

*click*

Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."

Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"

Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

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I have sex almost every day of the week.

Almost on Monday. Almost on Tuesday. Almost on Wednesday. Almost on Thursday. Almost on Friday. Almost on Saturday. And almost on Sunday.

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Driver: damn good point *turns off headlights*

Passenger: what are you doing it’s dark

Driver: chill the other cars have them on

I have a joke about the exceptional healthcare and medicine Trump took to recover from COVID.

But, no one else would get it.

I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

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[NSFW] Whenever I have sex, it's a race to see who comes first

Me or the police.

I have an axe owned by George Washington.

My great, great, great grandfather had to replace the handle. And my great grandfather had to replace the blade.

But it is a treasured heirloom.

As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.

I have like 50 jokes about the unemployed

Trouble is, none of them work.

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My mate asked me why I have sex noises saved on my phone.

I said, “It’s for sound effects during sex.”


He asked, “Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?”


I replied, “No, I work in a morgue.”

I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues:

1. How to tell this to my wife

2. Where to find a 1 year old baby

Wife: "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Husband: "The good news."

Wife: "The good news is that your car's airbag worked perfectly."

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

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I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive.

My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.

My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem

I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterd...

Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day

Husband: Well next time take the car then silly

My (blonde) sister hates blonde jokes. I (redhead) told her I have a redhead joke for her. She was eager to hear it!

A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea.

"Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep...

A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh."

The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."

Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...

A man in a bar is drinking whiskey and says: with what I have, I shouldn't be drinking so much...

Then he turns to the bartender and says: give me another one, even though... with what I have, I shouldn't be drinking so much.
As soon as he finishes drinking, he goes back to the bartender and asks for another whiskey, still murmuring: with what I have, I shouldn't be drinking so much.
A...

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I have a bumper sticker that says...

"Honk if you think I'm sexy."

Then I wait at green lights till I feel better about myself.

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I have a friend who has sex 3-4 times a week. Works out every day. And reads at least two books a week.

But all this guy ever does is complain about prison.

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He st...

A man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I took the Lord's name in vain while golfing."

"I understand, my son," the priest says. "I play the game as well, and it can be frustrating. What happened?"

"Well," the man says, "I hit my drive on the fifteenth green and it sliced to the right, into the trees."

"Was that when you did it?" The priest asked.

"No, the ball b...

A man tells a Rabbi: "I have a strong desire to live to eternity"

"Get married," replies the Rabbi.

"It's that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?"

"Not really, but the desire will disappear."

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forgive me father for i have sinned...

... "go on" says the priest.
"I swore the other day" says the man.
"continue" says the priest.
"I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway".
"and this is when...

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I'm paid to travel

You should see my my dates' faces when I tell them I'm a bus driver!

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

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I told this girl I have a huge dick and she said I don’t like big dick.

So I said, Do you like liars?

"I have a split personality."

...said Tom, being frank.

I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion...

... and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.

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A man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend."

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-wo...

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I don't have sex with my sister because it's unacceptable and gross.

I have sex with her because it's kinky.

Everybody gets mad when I say Jesus was white, but I have proof.

If my understanding of transubstantiation is correct, Jesus is a cracker.

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I have a difficult confession to make: I sometimes masturbate in the shower.

It feels good to come clean...

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Everyone thinks I have a nice butt

When I walk by, I always hear people wisper under their breath, "what an ass!"

Same thing... right?

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, “Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”
The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.”
Saul repli...

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned..."

Me: "I can't stop singing Barenaked Ladies."

Priest: "How long has it been since your last confession?"

Me: "It's been..."

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I got into a fight with a girl and she said she bets I have a tiny penis

I responded with "what difference does it make to you? You're so ugly I wouldn't touch you with a 1.5 inch pole"

I have an IQ of 180

I took the test 3 times and added up my scores

I have an inferiority complex

....But it's not a very good one.

:(

I have a boyfriend on twitter....

*Is he my x-boyfriend now? *

Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot!”

A lost dog wanders through the jungle. In the distance a lion sees him and whispers: "I'm going to eat him, I have never seen anything like that before."

The lion then began to approach the dog in a threatening manner. When the dog realized this, he panicked, but as he tried to run away, he saw a bone nearby, and he got the idea to speak out loud. "Lion meat is delicious!"

The lion suddenly stopped and said: "Wow, this guy is stronger than he...

i have a lot of respect for trans women

that surgery takes balls!

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I have emotional constipation.

I haven't given a shit in days.

I have designed a website for orphans

there isn't a home page

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea"

Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

Soviet joke: A worker standing in a liquor line says: “I have had enough, save my place, I am going to shoot Gorbachev.”

Two hours later he returns to claim his place in line.

His friends ask, “Did you get him?”

“No, the line there was even longer than the line here.”

I've just discovered that I have a logic fetish.

I can't stop coming to conclusions.

A guy isn't feeling well, and goes to the doctor. The doctor says, "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?"

The guy says, "I guess I'll get the good news first."

The doctor replies, "You're going to get something named after you."

I have the memory of an elephant.

I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

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I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

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Bless me father for I have sinned

A man walks into a confession booth.

He says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned."

The priest there says to him, "Speak my child."

The man says, "Well father I lived in Hamburg during the Second World War. The Gestapo was searching for Jews to send to concentration camps, an...

I have an imaginary friend, but he keeps making fun of me.

He keeps saying, “At least I have a real friend.”

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They told me I have to do sexual harassment training at work

Which is ridiculous, I’m already very good at it.

I have a date with a hitman

He wants to take me out

I think I have a fetish for the last paragraph of an essay. How do I know?

I just came to that conclusion.

I’ve been bored recently so I have decided to take up fencing.

The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back.

I have a dig bick

You that read wrong.


You read that wrong too.

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I have a really good joke about pussy

... but redditors don't get it.

Today, when my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?" I burst into tears...

11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Dave...

My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life,

and I don’t try to run mine.

A teacher walks into a bar and says "Can I have a beer"

The barman says "I don't know, CAN YOU?"

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I have a rare condition that makes me orgasm every time I remember that I have a rare condition that makes me orgasm.

...come to think of it....

I have the worst parents ever. I asked them how they felt on abortion, and they told me to ask my sister.

Not only did they not give a straight answer, I don't even have a sister.

I have a fear of speed bumps

But I am slowly getting over it

I have to say that my girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She’s a perfect ten but sadly, she’s imaginary.

I have 3 eyes, 6 heads and 15 limbs, what am I?

A liar.

This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.

I told her that I am looking for matches.

My Asian roommate says I have schizophrenia.

Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.

I have a lactose intolerant friend who sells ice cream for a living.

He can’t take it, but he can dish it out.

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Doctor: ”I have the results of your test. You're gonna have to stop masturbating.”

Me: ”Oh no! Why doctor?"

Doctor: ”Because I'm trying to talk to you, and it's very distracting.”

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According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.

Can’t say I’m surprised.

I asked my boss, “Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

He said, “It's May.”

“Sorry.”, I replied, “May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

Remember, because of synonyms, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned"...

...and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty" are the same sentence.

I have a T-Rex who sells me guns.

He's a small arms dealer.

Today i have met the vegetarian brother of Bruce Lee

Brocco Lee

I have just bought myself a new cheese grater

Must say, grate things came out of this.

(edit - sorry for the cheesy joke)

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I went to McDonald's today. I smiled at the bloke and said "Can I have a small shake please?"

He told me to "Fuck off" and walked out of the men's toilets.

At my new job I have 500 people under me.

I mow grass at a cemetery.

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I have 100% legit proof that masks don't do shit!

My wife went on a trip to her sister's.
On the plane they made her wear a mask.
Didn't do shit - she got chlamydia anyway!

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I have a new girlfriend

I should be happy because i have a new girlfriend. The Problem is that she has the same name as my sister.
Everytime we have sex now, i have to think of my girlfriend.

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A man approaches a priest. “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says.

“I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”

“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.”

“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”

“No, but it’ll wipe that fuckin’ smile off your face.”

I have a horse named Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

I have begun reading a horror story in Braille

Something bad is going to happen... I can feel it.

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