UPJOKE

I Hate Jokes

I hate when people don’t know the difference between “you’re” and “your”..

There stupid.

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My therapist told me to write letters to people I hate and burn them. I did.

But now I don't know what to do with the letters.

I hate The Cranberries

Their songs always get stuck in your heaaad, in your heaaaad.

I hate it when my finger rips through the toilet paper while wiping.

It was at this point I quit my job at the nursing home.

I hate hotel towels

So thick and fluffy. I can't even close my suitcase

I hate that September, October, November, and December are somehow the 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th months of the calendar year

Whoever messed that up ought to be stabbed

I hate being schizophrenic

So do I

I hate it when people don't upvote my jokes on my cake day.

I feel so desserted.

I hate telling people I’m a taxidermist so when they ask, "What do you do for a living?” I reply...

“Oh, you know…stuff!"

I hate being bipolar

It’s awesome

I hate being labeled as a "narcissist"

Like how? I'm perfect in every way.

I hate having to pick my nose....

But my plastic surgeon says I have to choose one from the catalog or he'll cancel the operation.

How do I say I hate you in a nice way?

"You are the Monday of my life".

Happy Monday ya'll.

I hate hostage negotiations, where you have to prove you're a trusted identity, and you have to meet up at some out-of-the-way location.

Sorry, I meant postage negotiations.

I hate when the doctor pushes down on your tongue with that wooden stick

It's depressing

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I hate words that are spelled differently but sound the same!

I guess I'm homophonic!

The one thing I hate about superhero movies is how unrealistic they are,

Like what are the chances that a billionaire would do anything to help ordinary people?

I hate it when people use metaphors that are physically impossible.

It makes my blood boil.

I hate when during a dinner party someone brings up how inhumane killing cows is.

They really know how to kill the moo

I hate when people confused etymology and entomology.

In a word, it bugs me.

I hate it when I'm out in public and everyone gives me judgemental looks, just because of the screaming toddler in my arms.

Don't be mad at me. This isn't even my child.

Do you know what I hate most about memory loss?

I forgot

I hate it when my aunts and grannies come up to me at weddings and say "You're next."

So now I just do the same to them at funerals.

I hate jokes about John Denver

They never land well.

I hate arguing with deaf people

I already said you can't convince me by beating me at rock paper scissors!

I hate it when people act all intellectual…

I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart

… when they probably haven’t even seen one of his paintings

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

I hate when people call me a Kleptomaniac

I prefer... 'Man of STEAL'

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I hate sex on the TV

I keep falling off

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I hate it when it snows

it makes my neighbor's crappy yard look just as nice as mine.

I hate camo clothing

I just can't see myself wearing it . . .

When I put up my artificial Christmas tree every year I hate bending all the branches back in to shape. This year I advertised on Craigslist for a "fluffer."

Boy, did I get a lot of weird responses.

I hate my job and I hate my company...

"I could tell you 100 things I hate about my company"
"Okay, thats a start, why won´t you write it down on a piece of paper?"
"And then what?"
"Burn it, it might free your mind"
"If you think it helps...sure thing doc"
<<next day>>
"So, did it help with your...

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I hate C programmers

They just don't have a class...

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I hate shower sex.

It's slippery, awkward, and one of the worst things about prison.

I hate being asked what stuff I'm into

Like do I stay Harry Potter or Being Choked?

There are two types of people I hate.

1. Racists

2. The French

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone,

but they’ve always worked for me.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend."

Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

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I hate those things that pop up out of nowhere when I'm watching porn.

Co-workers.

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I hate anal sex.

It's fucking shit.

I hate Russian dolls…

so full of themselves.

I hate jokes about chickens.

They're all fowl.

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, but my roommate used the paper to roll up his joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.

I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy

It’s not like I did anything

I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers...

....Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.

I hate it when people subtly flex where they went to college

I have this friend who went to Harvard and he just won’t shut tf up about it. He’s always been like this, even when we were in college together.

I hate it when people at church always tell me Jesus Christ will return soon…

Like dude, calm down, he was nailed to a cross, not a boomerang!

I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 years

I don’t have 2020 vision

This is the only day you can upvote this

I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint

You have to say

Leroy, please paint that wall

I hate waiting in line so much!

When I say the alphabet I stop immediately after P. That's how much I hate queues!

I hate guys who are too overconfident..

I really do.

Edit: Thanks for the silver!

Edit: Thanks for the gold!

Edit: Thanks for the platinum!

I hate autocorrect

The current that invented it needs to be execute do

I hate it when my fellow astronauts eject me into space without a suit.

It makes my blood boil.

Two cannibals are eating dinner. One says to the other "I hate my mother in law"

The other cannibal replies "Well, then just eat the noodles"

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen

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I hate people who go out in public while they have covid.

those fuckers make me sick

I hate this new king, my landlord is ripping me to starvation and i might freeze this winter.

Gildford from 13 th century

Mummy! I hate my brother's guts!

Well, leave them on the side of your plate then!

This joke was told to me 60 years ago by my then 3 year old brother. He still finds it funny!

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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled The dentist pulls out the novocaine freezing needle to inject the man. “No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!”

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

“No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.”...

I hate getting into arguments about Mobius Strips.

They're always one sided

My lawyer dumped me after I said I hated U2.

He was working under a Pro Bono agreement.

I hate when people make fun of my weight

They're just making a joke at my expanse

I hate seeing commercials for new TVs

Every time I think I need a new TV, I see a commercial for one. As they’re raving about how fantastic the picture is, I think, ‘Yeah, it DOES look great, my TV must be fine!’ That being said, I think I will buy one if they ever come out in color.

I hate my mood swings.

#They're great!

I hate it when people ask me, "What were you thinking?!"

Obviously I was thinking I will get away with it and not have to explain it.

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My therapist told me a great way to deal with people I hate....

She advised me to write them letters and then burn them.
I tried it... I feel much better....but should I keep the letters?

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I hate myself so much, I refuse to masturbate

I'm not giving that prick the satisfaction.

I hate women who gossip about me at workplace

Especially to the HR ..

I hate 'your mom' jokes so much.

They're stupid, old, and have been done by everyone hundreds of times.

Just like your mom.

I hate it when people ask me what the beginning of the pandemic was like.

I don't have 2020 vision.

I hate guys who've lost part of their foot in an accident

I'm lack-toes intolerant.

I hate winter…

I hate the snow, the ice, the cold. In these times I think of the 4-man tent I bought on sale sometime around 1995. It’s a basic tent, and it was a great value when I got it. It’s hardly used now and just sits in my garage. I get such Winter Blues that I think about setting the tent up in the back y...

I hate spelling errors

You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined

I hate jokes about airline crashes

They're just plane awful.

The 5 things I hate most

1. Lists
2.
3. Uncompleted things
D. Inconsistent formating
E. Irony

I hate the stigma around mental health

Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.

I hate breakups...

Especially when they try to let you down gently.
"It's not you, it's me"

"I just need some space"

"We can still be siblings".

I hate it when people make posts calling out about their cakeday

I also hate it when they call me a hypocrite

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I hate small underpants

They're a pain in the ass.

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I hate the new homosexual studies class I'm taking this year...

It only has oral tests.

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I hate it when homeless people shake their change cups at me.

I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a dick about it.

I hate loudly eating children!

Everyone stares at me when I am doing it.

I hate immigrants...

If i could find a country that didn't take immigrants in I'd move there...

When I was young I hated drunks.

When I grew up I realized that we are not such a bad people.

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Things I hate intestinal tumors, colostomy bags, chemotherapy

Edit: quit telling me I'm missing a colon. I fucking know

I hate the color purple

I hate it more than red and blue combined

Do you want to know why I hate Russian dolls?

Because they are so full of them selfs

*ba dum tiss*

There is one thing I hate about Halloween,

wich is...

Normally I hate those trashy, fake, rigged reality TV shows...

But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.

I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am...

I'm not really a mourning person.

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I hate when a girl says the wrong name during sex

They know my name isnt Someone Help

I hate German sausages

They are die Wurst I've ever tasted.

I hate it when people call their girlfriend their “partner in crime”

We get it man she’s underage

I hate social distancing.

Seriously? I can't be within 300 feet of a school?

I hate it when people come and bang on your door spouting nonsense like, "You need to be saved or you'll burn!"

Stupid firemen...

If there is Three types of people who I hate...

It's people who can't count

and hypocrites

If everybody is a little bit racist... I suppose I hate the relay race the most. I feel like it's unfair they're teaming up on me.

And what the f*** do they have on me there passing that baton

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I hate shower sex.

My dick always gets stuck in the drain.

I hate it when jokes are condescending

“Condescending” is a word that means to talk down to someone.

I'm American and I hate it when people say that America is the stupidest country in the world.

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!

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An angry man walked into a Taverna one evening, and yelled "I hate the Greeks!"

He looked around, at the light blue wall paper, with the white Grecian key pattern going around the top. He stared into the eyes of the bar tender, a strapping young lad with an olive complexion, rich black hair, a glorious unibrow, and piercing green eyes.

"Are you a Greek?" he asked, menaci...

I hate optimists.

They'll jump out of a plane expecting sunshine and rainbows to cushion their fall. Meanwhile, I'll look both ways before crossing the street and get hit by the optimist.

I hate people who can't distinguish etymology and entomolgy

They bug me in ways I can't put into words.

I hate steak jokes.

Good ones are rare.

I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody's joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform.

Retweet if you agree.

I hate people who take drugs...

Especially border control.

I'm really worried about my parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

my wife is too selfish to notice. She's always crying.

I hate it when people complain about overused jokes. Let other people have fun, there’s no such thing as an overused joke.

Except for your mom.

"Ugh, I hate this time of month," she said. "It's like I've got the 2000 election in my pants..."

"Cause there's Bush and there's Gore.

I hate when people say “It’s a quarter till 9”

Just say 8:75pm like us normal people…

I hate suppositories

Too bitter.

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Some people call me a Grammar Nazi and I HATE it!

I am clearly not Anti-Semantic.

I hate that clown from IT.

Always joking around instead of fixing those damn computers.

My boyfriend likes to keep the house freezing. I hate it because I’m always cold, but he gave me a suggestion.

He said to stand in the corner since it’s usually 90 degrees over there.

I hate Amazon. I went to go buy a lighter.

But all I found was 12,943 matches.

I hate archaeologists

They always act like they have a bone in to pick

I hate when my wife asks if I'm listening to her

It's such a weird way to start a conversation.

A wife is yelling at her housband “Get out! I hate your guts!”

So her husband packs up his things and walks out the door.

As he is walking away his wife screams at him, “ I hope you die a slow and painful death!”

He suddenly stops and says, “So, you want me to stay?”

I hate french pancakes

..they give me the crepes

I hate that ATMs don't dispense coins.

It just doesn't make cents.

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I hate being dyslexic. I went to a movie theater to see some cop porn

And all I got was this lousy popcorn.

I hate it when people shorten words for no reason.

It makes me want to commit murds.

Me - I hate the Backstreet Boys. -

My wife - Tell me why?

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