UPJOKE

I Guess Jokes

I guess China finally got what they want

They managed to coronise the world.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"So, I guess you've never been with a prostitute before then." She said.

I replied "Well, No, but how can you tell?"

She said "Look, don't worry about it, just take the pound coins out my vagina and we'll start again."

Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...

...an ether/oar situation.

I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

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I was telling this girl about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"

“Yesterday." I replied.

A man compalins to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with. His wife said "Well what about your friend Clyde?" The men replied "Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren't looking?" "No, I guess not" replied his wife. The man said....

"Neither would Clyde"

I guess the TV ads were lying to us all the time.

Aren’t you supposed to call the doctor if your election lasts this long?

I guess they didn't appreciate me driving around Berlin with an anchor in my passenger seat.

They told me it was for boatin'

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Nothing says “I guess I’ll just watch some porn,”

like accidentally opening your spam folder.

My neighbor's son Bran always gave them a tough time eating breakfast. I guess you could say

Raisin Bran was hard !

Well now that the BTS boys are going to the army i guess they'll come back with

BTSD

i guess the sun is boring

Because everything is way cooler than it

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I guess it's true that you are what you eat

After all, Ellen Degeneres turned out to be a cunt

A man stands over the coffin of his deceased wife. "Her star sign was cancer you know" he says. " I guess it's ironic..."

"That she was killed by a giant crab."

With McDonalds closing all around Russia I guess that means it is a..

..no fry zone.

(Credit to my dad for the joke)

My wife left me because of my obsession with crosswords. I guess you could say I'm...

1 \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_



Across:

1 Severe and overwhelming shock or grief (10)

I misplaced something at the office. A nice man in a turban helped me locate it. I guess it's true what they say.

Sikh and you shall find.

(edit: same man teased me about the pronunciation. It was good natured, but it was still a Sikh burn)

(also a comma)

I guess I have to wonder about the honesty of a restaurant that calls itself "IHOP".

I looked up their "locations" map and there's not another one in any other country!

The very spiritual Gandhi walked everywhere, leaving him with impressive calluses. And he ate very little, which made him rather frail. His odd diet also plagued him with bad breath. I guess you could say.....

That he was a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I guess we could call last night's events…

The Pursuit of Slappiness

So I guess there was this rancher who was growing a really weird breed of cattle.

They were a really vivid blue green color.  No one could believe it... They thought he was airbrushing them or painting them or using Instagram filters or photoshop.

Finally an fda inspector--Neal Beal was his name--wanted to go out to the ranch and see for himself whether these cows were re...

A Message to my Father: "You were never there for me growing up, but without you, I guess I wouldn't even exist. So...

Thanks for nuttin', Dad."

Pretty lame I guess depends on how many of you get it.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Door mum

Door mum who?

I've come to bargain

I guess I eat too much.

My phone doesn’t recognize me unless I have food in my mouth.

I took a ride last night, and I guess Uber will just hire anyone now.

I had to sit in the backseat because the driver’s guide-dog was riding shotgun.

I guess you could say October is...

Oct-over

I hate seeing directors make the same movie. It gets boring, I guess I'm...

Board of directors

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Given that Wendy has a crush on Peter Pan, I guess you can say....

She's Pansexual.

I'm in love with a woman called Clairy but I married her sister, Lorraine. I always felt too guilty to cheat on my wife, but here's the thing- she's just left me. So, I guess...

...I can see Clairy now Lorraine has gone.

My girlfriend got the coronavirus so I broke up with her. 2 weeks later, she’s seeing a new guy now and apparently he just tested positive. Be careful out there everyone, I guess what they say is true.

Ex gon give it to ya

I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but I was outbid at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true:

You can't win a mall.

I guess I must be in the minority, but I always lick the knife when I’m done.

None of the other surgeons seem to do it.

I guess the Jokes on me...

I post a Joke on reddit and my joke gets 7 upvotes.

Days later... other people RE-POST my exact joke and get 6.7k upvotes.

A guy comes home with flowers for his wife. She says “I guess I’ll have to spread my legs now huh?” He says “....

Why?!? Don’t you have a vase?”

If you're having second thoughts about dinner plans on tribal lands... I guess you're having...

Reservations about reservations on the reservation.

I guess half of America are whistle-blowers this morning

Cause we're all Snowden

In the late '80s, NBC's most popular sitcom was the Cosby Show, with ALF not far behind. Knowing what we know now, I guess you could call their weekly ratings battle

Alien vs. Predator.

I guess I'm semi retired now If I don't find work soon,

I'll be living in a big truck.

I guess my girlfriend doesn't like it when I use too many abbreviations.

She got pretty mad at me today for referring to her Bible Study as BS.

I guess it's time for you to take your meds

Because this post is going viral

For the life of me, I cannot find a trumpet for my castrated friend! I guess they really are...

Eunuch horns

My wife's star-sign was Cancer, so I guess you could say it was ironic how she died.

Mauled to death by a giant crab.

I guess politicians are just a bunch of chickens.

Ya got the right wing and the left wing.

I guess Kim Jong-un is just like his father now

He’s become Kim Jong-ill

I guess you could say playing quietly.......

Just isnt my forte

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Found out my wife is pregnant with twin boys. I was nervous, but she's not. I guess I gotta hand it to her...

...she's got more balls than I do.

So a ginger friend of mine got their hair dyed, I guess you could say they are now...

A transginger

My father is Irish and my mother is Chinese, so I guess you could say...

I'm "Cork-Asian"

A coworker of mine recently took a break to go buy a pack of smokes from the corner store. He didn’t return so I guess that was his way of quitting.

Just like my dad

I guess there wont be many flowers this May

because of how few showers I took this April.

I guess I need a nerf...

... every time I post people refer to me as OP.

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So my doctor just cut my butt in half. I guess he...

Half-ASSED it.

I called in an order of wonton soup, but I guess they misunderstood me.

On an unrelated note, I'm opening a soup kitchen.

Me: My biggest weakness? Hmm..Let me think...I guess some people say I’m delusional.

Cab driver: I didn’t say anything.

I guess I’m a hipster.

I’ve been self-isolating for years already!

I had to put a bomb inside a bull today. So I guess you could say he’s

__*Abominable..*__

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Donald Trump has had a rough week, getting caught sleeping with a porn star and whatnot. I guess you can say it has been quite...

Stormy.

Why didn't the Tenth Doctor like potty training as a kid? [spoiler I guess?]

He didn't want to go.

Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend were apprehended in the act of breaking into the kennels and setting the inhabitants free. I guess that makes it official.

The Who let the dogs out.

We met a family with 5 kids. I guessed their names correctly

Honeymoon, Valentine's Day, Pulled Out, Forgot the pill, and Broken Condom.

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Love to smoke cannabis but I need to quit, it makes me constipated. So I guess I either...

...shit or get off the pot.

Free Hong Kong Tee Shirts are okay I guess...

I doubt that I'd ever *buy* one though

I guess you could say Luke Skywalker single-handedly defeated the empire.

I told this joke to someone in a dream, and when I woke up I realized it was actually funny.

If you, your parents, and your grandparents use reddit, I guess you could say it’s

Haredditary

I picked out a color of grey paint the other day, I guess the salesman didn't like it.

He just said "Oh, the hue manatee."

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Well, I guess we are going to see "The Nutcracker" on Saturday!

My mother-in-law, not the play.......

I guess I have always been a bit behind the times...

When most people were burning CDs, I was still burning orphanages.

I guess you could say that the invention of the shovel was really....

Ground-breaking

My daughter turned 18 today, so I bought her a locket and put her picture in it. As I gently placed it around her neck, chocking back the tears, I said, "Well, sweetheart, I guess you really are..."

...independent!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Long but funny joke (nsfw a tiny bit I guess?)

One day a man was walking down the road and saw a sign on a stable that read "$500 to anyone who can make my horse stop crying" so as any person would do he went to see the horse owner

The horse owned said "i don't know what's wrong with him he just won't stop crying and crying, he has been ...

The news said that the Thai boys trapped in the cave system had no idea about the world outside following the happenings of the rescue, so I guess you could say that....

They were in the dark about their situation!

My mom is a shia and dad is a sunni, i guess you can say i am

Bi-sectual

I'm black, and I really hate it when my white friend doesn't answer my calls. I guess some old habits never die...

White man always leavin' me hanging

I Guess So

I was walking along a road near my home and I found a suitcase.
Upon opening it up, I saw there was a momma fox and 4 pups!
I called animal control and told the woman who answered what I’d found.
She said: “oh my God! That’s terrible! Are they moving?”
I said: “Well, I didn’t check...

I guess it's time to get myself a new blow-up doll.

This one's nearly full.

I guess if your dog had prosthetic feet...

They’d be going through many paws

Tried cracking a joke about deaf people, but I guess it wasn't funny

They just kept staring at me.

I've never been on top of trends, I guess

When everyone else was burning CDs, I was still burning books

I guess the Rams ended the Super Bowl the way they ended the season.

13-3.

They say Donald Trump was charged with crimes that would have been ignored if someone else had committed them

I guess orange really is the new black.

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4 jokes you shouldn't laugh at but you still do ..... NSFW I guess

Reddit give me your worst most racist/sexist/dirtiest joke that you know you shouldn't laugh at but you still do. I'll start off with a few of my favorites:

Q: what do you call 5 black men hanging in a tree?
A: Mississippi wind chime

Q: why do women wear white on their wedding day?<...

I guess what happened to Gamora in Infinity War

was definitely not a cliffhanger

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's International Women's Day today. I guess I should make some sort of sexist joke.

I'll have to simplify it for the women.

I'm thinking of starting a fashion line for alcoholics.. I guess I'll just call it..

Michael Coors Light

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