UPJOKE

I Don't Trust Jokes

I don't trust people with graph paper...

They're always plotting something.

I don't trust atoms.

If you run them through a background check, you'll see they always carry charges.

I don't trust autistic kleptomaniacs

They take everything, literally.

I don't trust pidgeons

Because I'm afraid they would attempt a Coup

I don't trust people who can draw...

They all seem kinda sketchy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't trust anyone who says "age is just a number"

...cause that shit is obviously just letters.

I don't trust pigeons....

They're always planning some kind of coo...

I don't trust those trees.

They seem kind of shady.

I don't trust atoms...

I heard they make up everything

I don't trust artists.

They're really sketchy.

I don't trust Comedy Corporations.

I can tell they're all up to some funny business.

I don't trust the tree in my front yard.

It seems kind of shady.

I don't trust the ocean

It looks fishy

I don't trust museums

They have too many skeletons in their closet.

I don't trust stairs.

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't trust septic tanks

They're full of shit

I don't trust elevators so....

... I'm taking steps to avoid them.

Dad: I don't trust those trees son.

Son: why not dad?
Dad: I don't know, they seem kinda shady



I don't trust a teacher who reviews every single piece of homework they give out

I think they're mass-grading as someone else.

[Dad Joke] I don't trust our air conditioning system.

It seems forced.

I don't trust my daughter's boyfriend.

I think he's lying when he says my wife is great in bed.

Why I don't trust photos taken from a cellphone camera

They seem...phony

I don't trust people when they say "nowadays you can get anything, anywhere!"

Because, how come my father is taking 10 years to find cigarettes?

I don't trust insomniac philosophers...

They're up to know good.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

An anti-vaxxer got a call from the Doctor.

The doctor said "Your test results are in and I'm afraid it's not good news."

"Nonsense," replied the anti-vaxxer. "I don't trust your pharmaceutical industry. My entire life I relied on homeopathic remedies instead of medication, and the only diagnosis I accept is based on my horoscope."
...

A doctor told me I was colorblind

But I don't trust purple people

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Google really does spy on us

This is why I don't trust smartphones. My friend and I were talking about repairing his roof over the next week, because the recent storm took off a few portions. The next day I saw advertisements all over Facebook telling me there are hot shingles in my area looking to get nailed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I call my dick trust

Because I don't trust anybody.

I was recently diagnosed as schizophrenic

but I don't trust that opinion because that voice knows nothing about psychology

A man walks into a bank with a 100 dollar check he wants cashed.

The banker asks him if he wouldn't rather invest it?

"No." says the man. "I don't trust these banks more than I have too. If I give you my 100 dollars, what happens if the investment goes south? I'll lose everything."

"Well," says the banker with a paternal smile, "If that happens, all...

Two guys were having car trouble.

Their car eventually broke down in the country near a farm. It was late and cold so they decided they would ask the farmer if he would put them up for the night.


They approached the farmhouse and knocked on the door. The farmer, a massive bearded hulk of a man, brandishing a double-barrel...

Liars tend not make eye contact,

which is why I don't trust pirates half the time.

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