UPJOKE

I Can See Jokes

I can see six years into the future.

I must have 2020 vision.

I can see for Miles!!

Said Miles' guidedog.

I have a talent where I can see inside wrapped presents

It's a gift.

I can see why Paul Walker jokes aren't funny anymore.

Poor guy can't catch a "brake".









(P.S. Happy Birthday Paul Walker. I wish u were still here)

A woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says, "I believe I can see into the future"

The shrink asks, "When did this start?"



"Next Tuesday"

I need glasses so I can see my family.

Specifically, 3 glasses of scotch.

If hillary nukes Russia I can see the headlines now

"Everyone in Moscow commits suicide"

I can see why I got fired from working at the cemetery…

I kept making grave mistakes.

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Me: I can see into the future

Therapist: When did this start?

Me: Next Monday.

I can see myself getting married, buying a house and having kids but

getting a tattoo? That is a real commitment.

I can see why Americans have reservations of taking in immigrants

Last time a lot of immigrants migrated there, they took over the whole damn place.

I can see my self

Working in a mirror factory

I Can See Clearly Now!

There once was a kid named David and he was dating this gal in his history class named Lorraine. The two dated for a couple months, but as time went on he slowly lost his feelings for Lorraine. David begrudgingly continued the relationship with Lorraine, but he started seeing this girl named Clearly...

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I can see the future....

A man walks into his local pub for a pint after work. After being served his drink, he turns to find a table to sit down and enjoy his pint.
There are two tables free, one near the entrance and another towards the back. He opts for the one near the entrance, sits down, and takes a nice refreshing...

I can see the new year approaching

One might say I have 2020 vision

I've finally found a job I can see myself in.

I start at the mirror factory tomorrow!

I can see why guillotines are so popular...

They really provide you with an out of body experience!

'I Can see you and so can Jesus...'

One night, a man was robbing a house. While doing so, a parrot started yelling out 'I can see you and so can Jesus. I can see you and so can Jesus'. The robber ignores this. The parrot keeps saying 'I can see you and so can Jesus. I can see you and so can Jesus'.

Eventually, the robber gets ...

Yesterday that guy screamed at me "Stay RIGHT THERE, PUT THOSE HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM! DON't MovE!"

That pizza delivery guy took this distant payment thing very seriously

I can see why evangelicals have backed Trump even through impeachment.

All three of his marriages have lasted longer then his presidency.

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I used to love masturbating to the fact that I can see, hear, smell, touch, and taste.

Then I came to my senses.

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

I can see why mary and joseph couldnt find a hotel to stay at

Usually Christmas gets places really busy

I can see a woman sneezing on the escalator.

I think she's coming down with something.

I can see quite a number of these Pi jokes coming from a mile away.

Although I can't seem to catch their ending no matter how I try.

My eye doctor just told me my eyesight is so perfect I can see into next year!

He called it “2020 Vision.”

"I can see the glass ceiling! DOWN WITH THE GLASS CEILING!"

"Megan, we're in an aquarium! NO!"

I can see myself going up in the world...

The mirror in the elevator is pretty shiny.

My grandfather told me this one not long before he died

A man is in his boat out on the lake with a bucket full of fish that he had just caught. A wildlife officer spots him and pulls his boat up alongside. Seeing the bucket of fish in the man's boat, the wildlife officer asks to see his fishing license.

The man tells the officer that he doesn't n...

Someone dropped their contact lens in the parking lot. I can see why they didn't pick it back up...

But they can't.

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A man bets his boss 5000$...

that he (the boss) has a pimple on his ass.

"No way!" - says the boss and accepts the bet.

He opens his ass to show to the man. The man says: "It's too dark here, move to the window so I can see better". The boss moves to the window. "Ok, you were right, there is no pimple on your ass"...

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of 100$ bills on the counter

He asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the jar?"

The bartender replies "Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out."

The guy looks d...

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A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

:Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of...

On my TV I can see plenty of zombies, cartoon characters, and religious hucksters.

I guess the elections are coming up soon!

Say what you will, but today's young professionals are the ones that will eventually find the cure for cancer. I can see the headlines now:

"Millennials Killed Cancer"

Sad news. I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine because I was seeing another girl named Claire Lee…

But the good news is that I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all...

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, ...

She's single... lives right across the street and I can see her place from my kitchen window! I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door!

I opened the door, she looked at me and said: “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to go dancing and drinking, and maybe fool around a little....you know, have some fun. Are you doing anything tonight?"  I quickly replied: "Nope, I'm free!" - "Great!" She said.   “Can you look after my dog...

My neighbour is a clown for childrens parties. Evertime I turn my back to get ready for bed, he sneaks into my house in full costume and starts banging my wife. I can see them, in the mirror, going at it while I'm brushing my teeth.

They keep on telling me that I'll look back and laugh at it one day.

When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha­­! That’s not going to help!”

“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

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A woman goes to her doctor

A woman goes to her doctor and says " I have psittacosis of the pussy ". He says " That's impossible! It's a disease that parrots suffer from".
She insists that she has psittacosis and wants to be examined. He duly does so and says "As I said, you don't have psittacosis, but I can see that you ha...

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