UPJOKE

I See Jokes

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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see?

He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're twins! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting, but I ignored this and I went up to my friend's room,



“How are you mate?” I said.



“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my ...

I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 years

I don’t have 2020 vision

This is the only day you can upvote this

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

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With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking...

Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.

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"I See, I See" - said the blind man, pissing into the wind.

"It's all coming back to me".

My girlfriend called me a gullible idiot and said I shouldn't believe everything I see on the Internet

I told her I don't have to put up with this, not when there are desperate single milfs less than a mile away

I see that in the US they're complaining about halal meat. They want their meat to be killed the American way...

....but, honestly, what are the chances of a cow enrolling in high school and being shot by a classmate?

When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck...

Damn dial-up!

In an interview I was asked where I see myself in five years

I replied with "I'd have to say my greatest weakness is listening."

I used to get angry every time I see someone say “Trump 2020”.

If only I knew it was an expiration date.

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Most of the dirty jokes I see on this sub are either about necrophilia, bestiality, or masturbation. They used to be funny.

But at this point, they're beating off a dead horse.

My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me if I've seen his wife.

Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.

Every naked person I see turns me on

Said the shower head.

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Tonight I was walking home late when I see a woman in the shadows. "Twenty bucks," she says.

I've never been with a prostitute before, but decided what the hell.

We are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on us - it's a policeman.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," I answer indignantly.

"Oh, ...

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I get SO ANGRY whenever I see someone with their wallet chained to their belt

I can't fucking take it

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? ... Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.... Older Woman: Oh, I see. ... Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: You don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and...

When I see lovers' nαmes cαrved in α tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.

EDIT I removed comments with α since some of you didn't like it.

Also this is an old joke . Look some posts from several years ago. https://twitter.com/biiimurray/status/361654153811996672.

http://www.su...

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In was in a bar the other day. The barman said "I see your glass is empty. Do you want another one?"

Why the fuck would I want 2 empty glasses?

"I see", said the blind carpenter

As he tripped over his hammer and saw

Whenever I see a joke on this sub

I feel like I’ve reddit before

“I see,” said the blind man

As he ordered his favorite frozen drink from 7/11.

Found a shirt that says, “I see dead people”

But I can’t wear it because it only fits mediums

Is that a bacon tree I see?

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure sme...

When I see a woman driving a bus

When I see a woman driving a bus I smile and think about how far we as a society have come in equality.
`
And then I wait for the next bus.

Whenever I see a computer driving a car, I think to myself

"What if they crash?"

A guy with the nickname E saved my life, so now when I see him I say-

-A E I O U

I put googly eyes on every picture of someone I see

That might be why I got kicked out of that funeral...

When I see stars I think of you...

Because you're only beautiful from a distance.

Can I see some ID?

*Disclaimer: I heard this joke from Joe Lycett, it's not mine*

I went to an off-license (a liquor shop) to get a bottle to celebrate my new house, and in the shop in front of me was a lad buying a 4-pack of lager beer. Behind the counter was a girl, maybe 18, 20, not much older, and she said ...

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If I see one more asshole texting and driving...

I’m going to roll my window down and throw my beer at them.

Every time I see a femboy I will:

Turn 360 degrees and walk away

I see Alec Baldwin is having a seventh child

He clearly doesn’t shoot blanks

I see why Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween,

They must dislike random people coming up to their doors.

"I want your face to be the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see before falling asleep"

"Oh my God! Are you proposing?"

"What? NO! Just setting your photo as my phone wallpaper. Geez!"

I love every ape I see

From chimpan A to chimpanzee

I hate when I'm driving and I see people text and drive.

It makes me want to throw my beer can at them.

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Every time I get out of the shower and look into the mirror, I see an asshole.

Maybe I should have installed it at eye level

I see two Mexicans fighting

Call that a Juan on Juan

Can i see your report card ?

Dad :  "Can I see your report card, son?"
Son: "I don't have it."
Dad: "Why?"
Son: "I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents."

if it wasn't love, why does my heart ache so much whenever i see her?

I asked myself as i went to order my 3rd big mac

I think my wife is starting to get depressed with all this rain we’re getting. Everyday, I see her at the window with a sad look on her face.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her back inside.

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Man: Doctor i think i have a problem, everywhere i look i see naked women

Doctor: interesting. Alright let's see. *doctor draws a circle on paper.* What do you see here?

Man: A naked woman

Doctor: Hmm. *draws a rectangle on paper.* And what do you see here?

Man: A naked woman again

Doctor: Alright. *draws a triangle on paper*. And here?

...

I See Death

All around me, i see death. In the streets. In public transportation. I don't know if i should isolate myself in my room and never leave, or wear a mask that might not even work.

I see death whenever i take a breath. I feel the tingle in my throat, the tears in my eyes, the fluids running dow...

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