UPJOKE

I'm Sick Jokes

I'm American, and I'm sick of hearing that America is the stupidest country in the world.

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world...

I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

I'm sick and tired of my Bonnie Tyler satnav.

It keeps telling me to turn around, it got me lost in France, and every now and then it falls apart.

I'm sick of all these bri'ish jokes...

I'm British and i love T.

My girlfriend is sick of me pretending that I'm a transformer.

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a transformer. I'm leaving you."


Me: "No baby wait, I can change..."

The other day my girlfriend approached me and said "I'm sick of you always pretending to be a private eye, we should split up."

I said "Good idea, we can cover more ground."

I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack rings the boss one Friday and says "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick"

so the boss says OK and Jack turns up as normal on Monday. Next Friday though Jack rings in again and says "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick". This pattern repeats every week for a couple of months and eventually the boss calls Jack into his office and asks him what's the matter.

"Well...

I'm sick to death of cocaine dealers...

always sticking their business in other people's noses.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is fairly new at his job and he says to his boss at the end of the day "I won't be here tomorrow, boss, I'm sick."

A guy is fairly new at his job and he says to his boss at the end of the day "I won't be here tomorrow, boss, I'm sick." The boss thought he was joking and paid it no mind.
The next day, sure enough he wasn't at work. The boss calls him and says "What are you doing? Why aren't you at work?:
...

I'm sick of these double standards

When Venus poses naked on a seashell she is "beautiful" and "a goddess", but when I do it I'm "drunk" and "banned from the Sea Life Centre".

I'm sick and tired of hearing people make jokes about the starving children in Africa

I think they've got enough on their plates.

Most people think I'm sick and twisted...

But I'm not! I have the heart of a little girl.

In a jar.

On my desk.

I'm sick and tired of these 18 yr old with attitude.

Everywhere I go they strut around acting like they rent the place.

I'm sick of this sub

I should have gone with the soup.

I'm sick of the double standard…

When I burn a dead bodies at the mortuary, I'm doing a good job. When I burn dead bodies at home, I'm destroying evidence.

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting a divorce. 45 years of misery is enough"

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sick of all these double standards... (NSFW)

When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody batts an eye... but when I do it, people are like "what the hell are you doing to your dog?"

My doctor thinks I'm sick

I landed a triple flip on my motorcycle with no hands.

I'm sick!

Pete rings his boss at work and says, "Look, I'm really sorry, but I can't come to work today. I'm sick." "Sick!" screams his boss. "Sick! This is the tenth time this month, Pete. Exactly how sick are you?" "Well", replies Pete. "I'm in bed with my 12-year old sister."

I'm sick and tired of debating people about burqas, niqābs and hijabs etc.

So many blanket statements.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sick of people telling me what I can and can't eat.

So fuck you , silica packets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sick of being surrounded by assholes everyday

I should stop practicing proctology.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Called the boss today and told him i can't come in because I'm sick.

Boss: How sick are you?



Me: Well I'm fucking my sister!

I don't exercise when I'm sick

My nose does the running for me

I'm sick of the violent society today.

For example, a complete stranger came up to me and said "Hey mate, do you want decking?". Thankfully I'm pretty handy myself and I smacked him one first, but it shouldn't have been necessary.

Also I'm now barred from the garden centre.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sick of the incorrect assumption that us rednecks are always fucking our sisters

Mine hasn't put out in 6 months

I'm sick of all these passive-aggressive posts.

You know who you are.

I'm sick of the pandemic. I stopped wearing a mask, I don't wash my hands.

I just never leave my house really...

I'm sick to death of people knocking at my door for donations.

Just had one woman from the sperm bank.

Boy, did I give her a mouthful.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sick of these goddamn racists and their glowing swastika tattoos.

Damned Neon-Nazis.

I'm sick of people freaking out about this bad lettuce

If everyone can romaine calm that would be greatly appreciated

I'm sick and tired of the jokes on this sub, so I'm going to kill my foot.

Yeah, that's right. I'm putting my foot down.

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I can't come in today. I'm sick.

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He...

You know what? I'm sick of following my dreams!

I'm just going to ask where they're going, and catch up with them later.

--RIP Mitch Hedberg

I'm sick of my mate Adam.

He walks round like he's gods gift to women.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sick & tired of hearing these Olympic athletes say how much work they've put in & the sacrifices they've made...

What do they want, a fucking medal?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An employee calls his boss to say he can't work because he's sick today. The boss said "Whenever I'm sick, I fuck my wife. Try that?"

Later that day, the employee called his boss and said "I feel a lot better now! Thanks for the tip! By the way, you have a nice house!"

I'm sick of these people milking the EA conflict for karma!

I hope it at least gives them a sense of pride and accomplishment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sick of everyone telling me that Jesus saves.

Why the fuck should I care what some Mexican dude does with his money?

I'm sick of my wife treating me like a piece of meat

She's a vegetarian.

I'm sick of people using up-arrow notation

eKnuth is eKnuth guys

I'm sick of all of the Irish stereotypes...

As soon as I finish this drink I'm punching someone

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are working on a building site...

High above the city, they sit together, eating their lunch as they do every lunchtime.
The Englishman, Arthur, opens his lunchbox and picks out his sandwiches.

"I say! roast beef sandwiches. I'm sick of roast beef sandwiches! If I've got roast beef sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myse...

I'm sick of seeing movies that say they are set in the "Present Day."

Just call it Christmas!

Would you remarry?

Out of the blue, a woman asked her husband, "if I die, will you remarry?"

"You're not gonna die."

"But what if I do? Everybody dies eventually. Answer the question."

"Well, in theory, I suppose I could get married again, yes."

The woman gasps in disbelief. "Well! Who woul...

I'm sick of telling my parents that my name is Richard.

It's Richard with "ch", not a "t"

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give t...

I'm sick and tired of EA's microtransaction on Battlefront 2.

An old habit never DICE, I guess.

A New Yorker, a Nebraskan, a Georgian, and a Floridian were driving to Vegas...

After a few hours in the car, the Nebraskan suddenly rolls down his window, opens his bag, and starts chucking corn out the window.

"What are you doing that for?", the others exclaim.

"Back in Nebraska, everywhere I look I see corn. I'm going on vacation and I don't want to see any cor...

I'm sick of people telling me that I'm more likely to get mugged in London than New York.

What do they expect? I don't live in New York.

I'm sick of these undercover cops always trying to bait me with online female personas.

Nice try f/bi.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fred Johnson calls his boss one Friday morning. "I'm sick. I can't come into work..."

His boss gives him the day off, wishing him well. But after he hangs up the phone, he thinks, "Boy, he sounded rough. I better stop by and check on him. Johnson never misses work."

So he drives to the guy's house. He knocks but nobody answers. He gets worried that the guy might need medical a...

A group of kids on street were calling their friend Johnny trough his window. "Johnny, come out to play!", "I can't, I'm sick." Johnny replied. "what's wrong with you?" kids asked.

I'm f*cking my sister. - said Johnny

My main job is as a male nanny, but I don't get healthcare when I'm sick, I get spa days

It's because I need a Manicure!


^^^I ^^^^am ^^^^^actually ^^^^^^a ^^^^^^Nanny

The whole "Pavlov's Dog Experiment" is such a load of bunk I'm sick of people bringing it up...

...at this point just *hearing* the name "Pavlov" makes me mad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sick of these people turning up at my door, telling me they're my saviours and if I don't listen I'll burn.

Fucking firemen.

Woman gets a tattoo

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She
also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instruc...

A man is trying to sell his dog to a neighbor...

"You can have this dog for only five dollars, and he can actually talk." says the man. His neighbor says, "That's ridiculous, everyone knows dogs can't speak."

The dog looks up at the neighbor with big, sad, doggy eyes and says, "Oh please, kind sir, buy me so I won't have to live with my cru...

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