UPJOKE

I Am Sick Jokes

I am sick and tired of millenials and their entitled attitude.

Always walking around like they rent the place.

I am sick of this Chinese-made virus destroying society!

Tik-Tok has got to go!

I am sick

Once I was traveling from Mumbai to Singapore. A woman sitting next seat continued looking at me. I understood that this lady had never seen a Sikh person before.


Midway in the flight when the tea and snacks were served, I struck a conversation with the lady.


Her name was Mar...

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I am sick of trying to figure out people who practice celibacy

I guess when all's said and done, they don't give a fuck.

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I am sick of being handsome.

It hurts my hands, that’s why I want to try threesome or foursome.

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I called work and said I am sick

My boss said “How sick are you?”

I replied “ I am balls deep in my dead nan”

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[Couples Therapy] Her: I am sick of him being literal all the time!

Therapist: I see. And how do you feel?

Him: With my hands.

Me: Boss, I am not coming into work today because I am sick.

Boss: How sick are you?


Me: Well, I am in bed with my sister.

That's it, I have had enough of this holiday cheer! I am sick of it, I will never help anyone again. Ever! Done.

Either I'm too kindhearted, or I'm too stupid. Last night it was so cold out (-36C / -33F), that my heart ran away with me once again. I took a man into our home out of pity, and the kindness of my heart.

He was just sitting by the road, literally freezing to death. I felt sorry and got worri...

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A black man walks into a restaurant..

There is a huge sign on wall that says "Colored People Not Allowed."

The man takes a seat and a white man comes over in a hurry and says, " Excuse me son, we don't serve colored people in this restaurant. Im going to have to ask you to leave."

The black man smiles, looks at the white m...

My wife asked me: "Shall we go bowling or stay cozy home."

I replied: " I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty hands. Let's go bowling!"

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York

And says, "I hate to ruin you day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery are enough".

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand each other any longer," the old man said. "We are are sick and tired of each oth...

My wife makes my pancakes too thin.

Tomorrow morning I am telling her I am sick of her crepe.

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Marriage Counseling

Therapist: So you're considering ending the marriage?

Wife: I am sick of all the Star Wars puns.

Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.

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Translated: A rabbit is running in the jungle

A rabbit is running in the jungle when he sees a monkey getting drunk. He hops over to him and says "Man, its such a nice day out. Why don't you put down that disgusting stuff and come run around with me." The monkey agrees.

After a while they meet an elephant smoking some weed. The rabbit ag...

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A German, a Englishman and a south african are colleges.

They have a lunch break and each open their lunch packages. The German has bread with salami, he complains, "every damn day my wife gives me a bread witch salami, I am sick of this"!

The Englishman has bread with cheese, he complains, "every damn day my wife gives me a bread with cheese, I am...

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, but I don't want to go.

I am thinking to just call there and say i am sick.

"I am homesick"

"But this is your home"
"Yeah and I am sick of it"

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A man goes to his doctor and tells him...

... that his wife has been refusing to have sex with him for the last several months. The doctor reassures him that he will find a solution, asks him to send his wife in, and wait outside.

The wife says, "You see doctor, we have a lot of mortgages and our jobs do not pay well. I take a cab ev...

Hey you! If you're responsible for these crude drawings of me naked with the mayor's wife...

I'll have you know that I am sick and tired of these sketchy rumours.

I am anti vax and I don’t care what you think...

I am sick and tired of seeing people that are anti vax getting slandered on Facebook .

We have good reason to feel this way and simply attacking us or bad mouthing us is not going to change our minds. We will not be silenced.

I for sure will never have another one again. No chance, I...

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A man with perfect work attendance calls in sick one day...

His boss is really worried about him, as he'd never missed a day of work in 15 years. So he gets in his car and drives over to his house to make sure he's okay.

He knocks, but there's no answer. He puts his ear to the door and hears moaning. "Oh no! He's dying!" the boss says. He busts in the...

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Fred Johnson calls his boss one Friday morning. "I'm sick. I can't come into work..."

His boss gives him the day off, wishing him well. But after he hangs up the phone, he thinks, "Boy, he sounded rough. I better stop by and check on him. Johnson never misses work."

So he drives to the guy's house. He knocks but nobody answers. He gets worried that the guy might need medical a...

A man has called in sick, three days in a row

His boss, concerned about his employee's condition decides to visit.

When he approaches the door to his employee's home he hears groaning and sounds of someone in pain. Worried about his employee's health, the boss knocks and doesn't get an answer.

He decides to kick the door in and r...

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Chinese man calls his boss "Me no work, I sick".

The boss replies "When I am sick, I fuck my wife. Try that."

..Two hours later the Chinese man calls back "Me better, you got very nice house"

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A blonde goes to a ventriloquist show

The guy is doing his act and at some point starts with jokes about blondes. Infuriated the blonde gets up and shouts: "It's because of shows like this that people don't take blondes seriously! You should be ashamed of yourself for putting down all the blondes... nay, all the women, with your misogyn...

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A good wish from Genie!!!

4 friends made their annual monthly meeting. Every 3rd week of each month they go out same bar same time same friday night.

As always they endup pretty drunk and a 3 o'clock in morning they call out this night and start go home. While walking on empty and dark street they were still having f...

So an Irishman, a Mexican, and a Blond are sitting down for lunch at their construction site....

The Irishman opens his pail and says, "CORNED BEEF! My wife always makes me corned beef....If she makes it tomorrow, I'm gonna jump off the platform and kill myself." The mexican open his lunch pail saying, "Tacos... my wife always makes tacos. If she makes it again I'll kill myself too." The blond ...

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Can your dick reach (original version]

I am sick of seeing this joke mangled into the nonsense form that is always posted here, so for future reference this is how it goes:

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A five-year-old boy goes up to his grandpa and asks "Can I have a dollar to buy some candy?" The grandpa replies "Can ...

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My favorite talking dog joke

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender tells him to get out, since the bar doesn't allow dogs. The man says "But this dog is special! He can talk, and he's yours for 500 dollars." The bartender is skeptical, so the man says "Fido, speak." Fido begins yammering his mouth off, saying to the ...

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Little Johnny

Little Johnny is sitting in class. The teacher draws a banana on the whiteboard and asks the class, "Class, can anyone guess what this fruit is?"

Little Johnny raises his hand and shouts, "That's not a fruit, it's a penis!"

Little Suzie, offended at hearing the word "penis," immediate...

A Dutch man goes to a cobbler

Wanting his wooden clogs fixed.

“What’s wrong with them?” asks the shop owner.

“Well you see,” says the Dutchman, “these are my work boots. They’re getting worn out and have some holes in them. Could you fix them up?”

The owner had never fixed wooden shoes, but he figured it ...

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The Muff Puff

So there was this married couple and the husband was a drunk. He would constantly drink and end up get abusive towards his wife.

So one day the wife gets fed up and decides she is going to go to the pet store and get something that will help defend herself. When she gets to the store an empl...

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